Just Breathe

We are “put on earth” because our parents combined their reproductive materials.

Why give up now? Well, because once you realize that no desirable result is attainable, there is no reason to continue bashing your head against the same wall. Your head will break first; that wall ain’t goin’ anywhere.

You don’t give up just because things went wrong… but when you can’t fix them, and can’t reach any suitable substitute, or even find consolation.

I’d rather be dead than to suffer endlessly without purpose or sufficient, worthwhile gains. My pain has to result in gains, or i will stop doing whatever hurts me. The only way i am aware of, to stop all pain from ever occurring (especially since no sufficient gains or even consolation can be reached), is to be dead.

It’s not that i “want” to be dead, and the realities of the process of dying are quite upsetting… not something i’m interested in experiencing, really, but it may be a necessary task, to eliminate what i would rather not experience any further, since those unwanted experiences are not actually gaining me anything worth enduring the pains for.

There is no way to make enough money, and i do not want to spend each day of my life, hating my life, just so i can survive long enough to hate my life even more tomorrow, until whenever i finally die in circumstances not of my choosing.

I can say “fuck that *****,” infinite times, but it doesn’t change what happened, or how i feel about “that *****.” I wish i didn’t care at all, but enough people have lied to me, and i won’t lie to myself. I wouldn’t believe me anyway.

I’m not so fond of my family, have already detached from most of them, and while the notion of “friends” is somewhat appealing, it’s not all that interesting to me, and really isn’t what i want or need… and then, it’s hard for me to find anyone compatible enough to call a friend… and even harder for me to actually “be” a friend, since i’m always depressed, often in a bad mood, and never had a chance to develop the things that “friends” like other friends to be and do. I usually understand why people dislike me, or are indifferent, or like some things but find me abrasive or undesirable, whatever. I can’t really be a good friend, at least not reliably, and so i accept that i will not have friends, since i’m not really good at being one.

Once in the adult world, you can’t just haul off and kick people’s asses when you feel “bullied.” Everyone goes to jail after fights, in some cases… and other times, the bully sues you for beating his ass, even though he “asked for it” and “had it coming.” If the bully does anything “violent” without provocation, THEN you beat the shit out of him, call the cops, and have witnesses to confirm that he “attacked you,” and that you had no choice but to defend yourself. Shit’s complicated.

Don’t take this the wrong way.

You’re trying, and that’s good. I think.

it doesn’t matter if i give up; i’m already a terminal failure anyway.

The fact that people keep referencing “negativity,” acting like the only reason i didn’t make it is that i’m “being negative,” regardless of every attempted explanation, just reinforces the notion that i can’t stand people in this world, and that there really is nothing left for me to live for, and no life available to me that i could actually want.

And people will say “oh he was just so negative that he blocked his own shot…”

Because that’s what makes them feel better; it would be far more unpleasant for them to admit to themselves that the attitude was a symptom of the cause, not the cause of the result.

Mathematically speaking, i don’t even have enough time to ever begin to have a life worth trying for. It’s too late for me.

But all you young people could still save yourselves… well, a lot of you, anyway.