I’m not going to say i had a such a horrible life, because i have never truly been hungry, never been homeless and got a lot of things i wanted. What i didn’t really have were supportive parents and friends. Majority of my life i was sheltered from things in life which made me oblivious to a lot of things. for example, i literally don’t know the barriers of conversation and cross them constantly, when i needed new tires i thought they came with hub caps, etc etc. I’m just dumb, and it shows in my work place, and since i fix aircraft lives literally depend on my work, and im not competant enough to keep up. I’m told about what potential ah have only to have paperwork after paperwork show useless i really am. Every attempt i make is riddled with so many mistakes that i become a hinderance instead of being actually helpful. The sad part? Everyone on the outside not knowing how i am at work thinks im doing great, that im ‘responsible’ or ‘goal driven’. Truthfully, i signed up for the military to make my retired father proud of me for a change, but then i realized when someone tells you ‘maybe now you wont be a fuck-up’, whats the point in proving your worth to that person? My mother is just as bad, though on a different side of the battle. she’s a southern woman who believes in the bible and hard work. She constantly asks me about women that i run in to like im just gonna up and marry someone, without knowing that im actually bi. My sister came out of the closet and she was depressed for 3 years talking about ‘there may be hope’ whenever she talked about a guy. If i tell her about this she’ll go into a worse depression wondering what she did wrong in raising us like she created a monster or something. my father would boycott me, like all the other gay people on his side of the family. They dont get talked about, invited to anything or even put in the family picture book because’they are sinners’. Granted the whole religius side of it doesnt bother me by itself only the way they seem to percieve it. I’m Catholic myself but im too scared to go to church, i dont want to sit through another thing about ‘gays being sinners’, i got enough emotional and verbal abuse as a child. its why i never really had any friends, i was ‘too wierd’ for them. i jumped between medication and shrinks while i constantly got bullied and abused, at one school the game at recess was ‘whack the beaner’. the person who did the most damage won, and the winner was James who shoved me off the second story balcony between wings of the school. if i ever went to the counciler, he would tell me to stop making up stories and to go away. it wasnt untill the last few years of high school i had real friends, but even now they are all gone. friends that said they would never leave too busy in their own lives to just shoot a message, or to even reply more than once whenever i actually reach out to them. Now im an adult doing my job that i screw up constantly, visiting a therapist weekly who digs deep into my mind and personality to tell me i have trust issues, that im heavily neuratic, that i have ptsd from all the bullying i went through and put me on a suicide watch list that involves my supervisor, my commander, and my shop supervisors. Everyone with more stripes then me is now giving me the ‘baby gloves’ and i cant take it. I’m never going to surmount to what im expected to be, im only going to let everyone down. so whats the point? i just want to buy a ******** or helium canister, seal all my vents and just open it inside my car at some abandoned parking lot. this way, i’ll just sleep, never have to wake up. Its not like i have many friends to stop me, and im retracted enough that no one would notice until i dont show up for work. i really doubt they’d even care to be honest, last suicide in our squadron ignored, and everyone just moved on. And that would be my fate, just ignored so everyone can just move on without that strange kid that tells a bunch of puns and screws up half our jobs. thats much more peacful than ‘that dumb ****** we gotta deal with’.
5 comments
Also known as first world problems
it’s not worth caring about the opinions of those who arrive upon them via methods and criteria you find unacceptable.
*hugs* Luca! I could already tell you were dealing with PTSD (CPTSD?) before you said it. I’m in a similar situation in terms of effect (and coincidentally, I’m also bi). I can totally relate to the associated cognitive impairments (which I’ve been assured aren’t permanent…) and that constant sense of undeserved shame. How is your therapist approaching healing your trauma?
Bipolar American, I assure you, emotional abuse– especially in childhood– leaves far worse (and often more permanent) scars than physical abuse ever can. I would know; I’ve had both.
As somebody (Anonymous) once said, “Telling someone they can’t be sad because somebody else has it worse than them is like telling someone they can’t be happy because somebody else has it better than them.”
You’ve just reminded me that there are forces more powerful than ourselves shaping our lives. The key I think is to become disciplined and take control of your life-make the changes you need to make to become better.
There is no shame in asking people for help on subjects you don’t understand. I also learned the hard way. While I’m very book smart and street smart, there are things that I didn’t know about life that my friends and family have taught me. I’ve grown and matured a lot thanks to the advice of others.
So it doesn’t matter how smart or ‘dumb’ you are-there are always things that we still need to learn. The best way is to ask those around you. If your friends aren’t there for you then rely on your co-workers, make them your friends but just be careful. Ask them for advice-or even post your questions here and I’m sure you’ll get competent answers.
honestly right now me and my therapist are just working on identity, since it seems like my choices are to lose a family i thought would always be there and be happy with whomever i choose, or keep the family and block out potential relationships while burrying a secret. Some of the sessions are getting a little rough, one of the assignments even gave me really bad anxiety.