Froze my ass off today whilst traipsing around the woods with my uncle. The scenery was nice and I always enjoy being around my Uncle (more than probably my whole family because he sees me as me, not a dark moody piece of shit) but it didn’t clear my head like I had hoped. Did the opposite, actually. I feel so damn worse after getting back.
I had a good cry then slept half the day, but I came to the conclusion that I think the woods is my ideal resting place.
While the idea of death by hypothermia has crossed my mind a lot, I don’t know if I would have the patience to wait it out. That’s all I could keep thinking about while freezing out there. I told my uncle I was content (I love the woods) and I was, for a while. But this illness, this depression….is getting to be too much.
Maybe I’m going to start desensitizing myself. First I’ll sleep tonight with a rope around my neck. Maybe then learn to tie a noose. All I have are crude and unreliable means to end it.
My big question is when I’m going to get fucking serious and actually attempt it in the hopes I finally get my peace.
8 comments
If I may ask, what led you into depression and suicidal?
Heh. I’ve not tied a noose in many moons, it was a favourite past time of mine. I do still have a quantity of climbing rope under my house somewhere, although rope made of natural fibres is preferable (I think it’s polypropylene). I call woods ‘bush’ but it’s the same deal I’m guessing. My only place of solace. It’s good for sniper training, as in “lie in the prone unsupported position in a ghillie suit and do not move for eight hours straight” but trekking and general bush bashing is fun too.
Your last question there. Well, I’ve got the cojones to do it and the discipline to wait out. Perhaps when you reach that point, you’ll either be all serial about it or have some epiphany type thing happen. Peace… Well, here’s hoping you find it. Whether in this life or the next.
It mainly started after my parents’ divorce about six years ago, and a nasty falling out with my father, but in those six years I’ve encountered much much more hurt. It’s a long story, and I would go into the details but I’m also afraid of a certain relative discovering those details here on the web which could cause a lot of problems for the family. And seeing as how I’m already making things difficult with my illness, it’s the last thing any of us want or need.
Thanks for expressing your concern though, ProfessingEmotions.
The woods is my place too. The only thing preventing me from doing anything right now, aside from abject fear of The End, is the burden of liquidating my entanglements to leave others with less to deal. How old are you? What is it about your situation that you feel is so untenable?
It’s got a silence to it that’s very mesmerizing. I’m 19, turning 20 in May. So yeah, I’ve heard the whole “you got so much ahead of you still” but now it’s not even my situations anymore, I’m more or less passed some of them, it’s just I’m so sick of being alive and seeing things in such a diluted way. I’m trying my best to keep my head up, that “this too shall pass” but this is almost getting to be to much. The wait to get better I mean. I don’t want to be so horribly sad and numb anymore.
What’s keeping me? My family maybe. It’s getting hard to even hold on to that anymore.
I can definitely relate to the feeling of fatigue. It’s crippling and arrests your momentum to overcome what can be changed. Your artwork is impressive, and I hope you see that in that talent lies the same genesis of good that will give much more meaning to your life if you endure the patience and discipline to nurture it.
Thank you so much for looking at my art. I guess it’s the one thing that can sort of keep my mind off things. I’m glad someone else is able to enjoy it. That makes me content. Many thanks for your kind words.
Sorry for the delayed reply.
I’ll risk a blind shot here but how about trying to engage in some activities? It gets you out of the house, makes you spend less time alone and occupies your mind and body. Maybe you need some kind of distraction to get you going and shift your thoughts into a better outcome