I promised I wouldn’t

So, here is a little introduction to myself.
I’m a teenage girl and I’ve probably suffered from mild depression since I was in the fourth grade; right around the time I moved schools. This has been a constant struggle for me in myself that I’ve mostly struggled through alone. I’ve never really had that support team or someone who I could talk to this about so this has been something I’ve bottled up inside for years. I mean sure, I’ve been I was in and out of the occasional therapy for some time and my family knows about it but it’s never been something I’ve felt comfortable talking about with the people around me.

Maybe, it’s this fear of rejection I feel or even a sense of shame and guilt but I’ve never really been able to really share how I feel. It’s just been something I’ve battled myself. Though, I’ve never cut myself of made any suicide plans but I’ve done a lot of lying that has hurt the people around me. I couldn’t help it though. Lying became like a shield for me; protecting me from showing the real me and how I truly feel because the truth of it all is, I’m not okay.

And as of recently there has been a lot of things in my life that I’ve been trying to deal with on my own and I thought I was doing pretty well but the thoughts of just ending it all came back; they always come back. It’s just something I just can’t seem to escape. I try to avoid thinking like this but it’s had ya know? Especially when the ones who are supposed to be there for you the most are unknowingly driving you towards the edge.

And it’s not like I haven’t tried talking to about this to them; I have. It’s just that they don’t seem to want to listen or they just don’t care? I don’t know but if this continues likes this… I don’t know what I’ll do.