I’m a 13 year old girl in 8th grade and 2013 was a hard year for me along with the start of 2014. I had already had problems in my family before but all of this made it worse. My parents got divorced when I was 2 and while I was growing up, I was told that they just weren’t happy so it was the best thing for them to do. Around this time last year my grandma told me that my father had been cheating on my mom and got another women pregnant. I grew up thinking that my father was some great guy, but in reality he was just a jerk that threw his family away for something better. When I found out, it made me feel completely worthless. He brought two children (older brother) into this world and didn’t think that they were a good enough reason to stick around. Ever since then my brother got really bad anger issues. He lashed out on everyone. Yes, I have been physically abused by my brother multiple times, emotionally abused, and verbally abused. Hes called me a ****, *****, fat, piece of shit, hoe, slut, ugly, dumb ass, etc. He makes jokes about self harm too. My mom does nothing to stop it, every time I tell her she just sits there and says that I need to ignore it. I started cutting myself in 7th grade because I got overwhelmed with things in my head. I have cut myself pretty badly, but not bad enough to be in the hospital. Both my thighs are completely covered in scars.
In February of 2014, I was taken to the ER due to possibly hurting myself.  Before I went I started to freak out, I was crying and yelling at someone who wasn’t even there. I clawed up and down my arms and started tugging on my hair. I started frantically looking around my room for something to hang myself with but then my mom came down stairs. She thinks I just wanted to cut myself, but I really wanted to end it right then and there. When I get there I talked to a few people. They sent my home, even after I begged them to let me stay. I was out for a week and I told my “best friend” to tell where I was not why I was there. She went and told everyone that I went crazy and went to the ER because I wanted to kill myself. When I yelled her she said she could deal with the stress. How the hell is it her stress?! I’m the one that had people coming up to me, asking me what happened and treating my life a freak. After that I went three weeks without cutting myself, which I was really proud of. I usually cut everyday. Anyway, I cut again because my brother told me that I was a piece of shit and my mom didn’t do anything. The same friend that told everyone was really mad. She cut herself because I told her about it and she thought she would try it. She keeps going around saying her life is so bad when people like me would kill to live like her. Anyway she saw my cuts and got upset and said ” I thought we were doing this together??” (she stopped cutting herself when her family found out) When she said that it made me want to punch her in the face. Don’t say that we’re doing this together when you NEVER asked me how I was doing after that week. She never asked if I had cut myslef lately or If I was doing better. I always asked her that because I always put people before myself. I really hate all of my friends because they’re never there for me.
I really just want kill myself because I cant take this anymore.
3 comments
I wouldn’t be too worried about the physical scars, they’ll health over time and will be your campaign medals for the battles you’ve fought…the very same battles that every human at least once in their life has fought and won whilst sustaining insurmountable loss. What I’m my concerned about is the mental afflictions you now live with and granted that I’ve seen worser things than you and live with some horrible memories…I think there is a way out of this for us both. You’re probably right, maybe no one gives a fuck about you, but that doesn’t matter. You only need to give a fuck about yourself…you need to realise that the only person who is going to pull you out of this mess is [DRUM ROLL]… YOU!
If you can’t develop the mindset of caring/having love for yourself, then don’t expect anything to change. Look after yourself, because in today’s cold, cold world…we have to keep ourselves warm.
hi, There is love you can have for yourself just as the person above said it. And I suggest you try it. When I feel there is no way out of this world I would do this to help myself. I immediately pay attention to my sad, painful feelings like a mother or father rushing to attend to a crying baby. Then I give those feelings a caring hug, and recognition, like “ah ha, “very very sad, confused and deeply hurt”. “This is how it feels when this body and mind are hurt”, “it feels like this” . Then you examine every aspect of that painful and hurtful feeling and give each of those experiences a name like “anger”, “hate arising”, “hurt engulfing”, “sad thoughts”, “evil thoughts”, “envious thoughts”, “gibberish thoughts”, “confusion”, “fear”, “unsafe”, “worthlessness”,… For each sorrow and down feeling, wherever you can locate it in your body, you apply bounty of love, kindness, forgiveness, soothing, encouragement and stay with it for 3-5 minutes or as long as you need to until you no longer feel the effect of this bad feeling as it subsides. Also, dont think these sad/anger/upset/unbalanced states of mind is yours or belong to you. They aren’t. They are just thoughts and feelings that come and go, just like rain would pour down when cloud is heavy, and after sometime the rain would stop. Life changes from moment to moment, and suffering moment doesnt last forever. But our mind tricks us to think they last forever. I usually would feel very bad in the evening, but when morning comes I dont feel bad any more. How fickled right?
You are important and your survival is important no matter what others tell you or do to you. Regardless of your situation, your success or failure, you can stay calm inside. Use the loving kindness practice above to make an inner refuge for you. So when difficult time comes, you can retreat to your inner home and stay safe there.
Good luck and much love.
I know that feeling of doing for others who won’t do things for you. It’s a really good characteristic to have. To be able to help others and not to give up on them. I believe that from what you said that you will be ok eventually. I’m 17 and it took me till I was about 16 to be slightly ok with my childhood. There’s so many factors in healing and you just need time to heal. You’re beautiful and I don’t have to know what you look like to say that because beauty comes from within and it shines out for the rest of us not blind to see. If you ever need to talk kik me at: desttiinnyy07