Hi. I’m Cole. I have depression, anxiety, and eating disorder, and I struggle with selfharm. I really want to end my life, and I guess this is my last chance to reach out. I keep a bottle of 67 pills hidden in my room. One of these days, I WILL swallow them. I just can’t see any reason to live anymore. My family hates me, my friends have given up on me. I’m a lost cause and everyone knows it. If you can give me one good reason to stay, I’ll reconsider.
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One reason…. That one person you know that can’t live without you. Even though you think they’ll forget, they never will. Losing a friend is something that sticks forever, especially if they blame themselves.
Don’t take the pills, there is a good chance that if you take the pills you’ll not only survive, but make your situation worse. They can screw up your body and add to your pain. As far as a reason to live, that I don’t have, I’ll let you know when I come up with one, but don’t try death by pills.
Hey Cole!
My name is Cath. I often feel like you. I really do. I often go to bed thinking of how I could end my life. I don’t see the point and all. And it really sounds tempting and all.
I find feeling alone is one of the hardest things in life. I understand you totally there. That’s also often why I feel like I should find my version of your 67 pills. But then I realize even if you are alone now, it’s not always going to be like that.
Your family hates you? That really sucks. It really does. Your family should be there for you. But then again, you need to think about your perception of your family. Personnally, I often feel like you are not really born with the choice of your family. It’s kind of imposed onto you. And so, it’s not always easy being a lovy-dovy family like they show in the movies. For example, I have a twin brother. We barely talk, he doesn’t really know me and I know nothing of him. When we do talk it’s to scream at each other. But we have decided to establish a relationship of people who cohabit together. Maybe you wanna do that with your family? or maybe talk to them about how you feel? (I really don’t know if you have done that already..) IF not, don’t worry. You won’t have to live with them forever. Find yourself, your roots, how you made yourself, how you worked hard to become the amazing person you are.
Your friends have not given up on you. I can guarantee that to you. My sister is in the same state as you. Sometimes, for people who are not living it, it’s more difficult to understand what someone might be going through, but rarely do people give up. Often, the one in trouble thinks the closest to him or her have, but it’s not the case. My sister thought everyone had given up on her. including me. But she reached out and told people to stay there with her. It’s not always easy, but we stayed because we know the human life is worth it. And I am sure you are worth it too.
But finally, I don’t want you to go. I don’t know you, but i know you should not go.
Discover who you are really. You are someone very talented, very unique beyond all that depression, that anxiety, that eating disorder. Those are all things you have, not who you are.
Is there something you like doing? Is there something you are really good at? I am sure there is at least one thing that really gets you. As stupid as it could possibly be. Whatever it is! Just do it. I am sure it’s great. And it doesn’t have to be great for anyone else than you.
If you are good at it, it means you need to keep doing it. Find yourself in it. Discover your worth. And really try to see how much of a beautiful human being you are.
all the best 🙂
For me the question is whether you think it is possible that, if you do stay, you could eventually find some sort of happiness. Is that happiness likely enough to actually work towards, and is it worth waiting and struggling for?
I don’t think anyone can give you one definitive reason for why you should stay. There are a multitude of reasons for why you should stay, just as there are numerous reasons to go. (should I stay or should I go?…haha). It’s just a matter of which side outweighs the other.
Just cause you’re a fuck-up doesn’t mean you’re a “lost cause”. I’m a fuck-up too, no doubt about it. But I haven’t counted myself out of the running just yet.
If you look at it from another perspective everyone is fucked in one way or another… even succesfull/well adapted people, are screwed up in one way or another. Even if you are happy there’s always going to be problems, struggles, etc.
As others said i don’t think all people has given up on you tho, some people distance themselves because they don’t know how to help or think the afflicted person needs space. If that’s the case only you can let them know you need them. And well… families… that’s another story, and even if they will always be important in your life, they don’t define it. You do.
As for pills… i’d advice you against it. One quick trip to the ER and your health will be worse, and you’ll be in a worse place than before. Better than that, look for real help if you think you need it.
Everyone is fucked in the sense that they all have to deal with BS, yes. But some people have things that keep them happy or at least satisfied enough to power through all of it.
I agree completely. When the things that make you happy/satisfied run out and you are left only with the bad things… well, let’s say that’s not a nice place to be in.
Hey Cole, I have been where you are, now I help people like us. I am a counselor now and if you would like to, I will do whatever I can to help. Sometimes it’s hard to ask for help, maybe it’s embarrassing, maybe it’s the cost, or maybe your family doesn’t listen. You don’t have to worry about any of that. I am here for you, maybe we could Skype?