Lost and wanting death

Im writing here because I really don’t know where else to turn. There’s people around me that I want to reach out to, but the thought of doing that seems worse than dying…when I was a kid I was around a lot of things that disturbed and distraught me, so in order to cope I turned something off inside of me so I wouldn’t care and these things wouldn’t bother me anymore. And they beer did again, but it came at a great price. I’ve lost passion or interest for anything, and I’ve lost the ability to trust and communicate with others on a genuine and wholesome level. And because of these things, I’ve led the last 8 years of my life feeling completely empty and hopeless about my life. I spend a lot of time pretending that things are awesome for me, and to be honest they really are, but it’s all been created as a cover…idk, why I’ve been so upset. And idk why this has made me consider suicide everyday for the past 8 years. I guess there’s a lot of things I buried within myself that have been slowly eating me alive and disabling me from being able to articulate how I really feel… Recently things have gotten much worse, and I’ve come closer to actually doing it than ever before. My lack of passion has made me
Increasingly distant from those around me, even my best friends. They’re all so driven by their interests and they have much to say about it, but me, with no interests, no passions, have nothing to say to connect with them. I spent a whole weekend with all of my best friends and the whole time I wa there was like this; even though I was right there with them, I had never felt so far away from them. And since I can’t connect with my friends, I’m also having a terrible time at school and work. I’ve never been able to connect well with people new, but I was always able to play it off or not let it get to me too much. But now I can’t help but let it hurt me. I can see where all of this is leading me to, and all I see in this future is failure and complete disconnect…and on top of all of this I lost the one person who made me feel anything genuine or passionate in the past 5 years. And why? Because I was so disconnected that she got sick and bored of me and decided I wasnt worth it….this especially hurt because I’ve been supporting her through her toughest times and talking to her every single day for the past 6 months, but now she’s gone and I feel more alone and disconnected than ever. And it’s all because of what I’ve made myself into. And that’s why I need to die. I’ve tried to chane myself but it’s just never worked. So I’m ready to leave. I bought two hibachi grills and a big bag of charcoal, my plan was to take aa bunch of Xanax and pm Tylenol along with some alcohol and just sit in my car with te grills burning till I die of CO2 poisoning…idk when or if I’ll actually go thru with this because I am still scared to die, but the pain and self caused isolation I feel is becoming too much to handle….if in still here I’ll repost later, and if not thanks for reading and thank u to all te people in my life who gave me
A shot