tms

seems like the only thing left for me is tms. anybody out there have this treatment?  doing a little research i found the likely cost is between 6k-12k. depending on how many sessions is necessary. my insurance company has to decide whether it will pay. lots of hoops to jump through. my bet is that they won’t pay. the shrink gave me a referral. he seemed rather crabby yesterday. chastise me for not doing my “homework”. i left the office in tears for some reason. my first thought was to go make a “purchase”.  the thought is still there. hell it is a lot cheaper than tms and therapy. i am torn between taking a chance and getting “better” or just saying fuck it i am out of here. i guess i am just scared. i am scared of change. i have been like this for so long i don’t know who i would be without it. thoughts of suicide are never far from my thoughts. physically i am a wreck. all 6 of these drugs are making me weak. my shaking is getting worse. and i keep thinking i am seeing things. i feel anxious when i am out in public. the feeling that i shouldn’t be “there” and that i am not safe. i feel myself withdrawing from the world. talking is  chore so i rather not say anything at all.  isn’t  that the way towards cutting ties and leaving ?  i am torn and confused. what is next?