Hi there, I stumbled across this site and I really think it’ll do me some good to post my “suicide story” here.
So, I’m 15 years old and have always struggled with depression. Currently, my life is falling apart. Please don’t tell me that “I’m only 15 and I don’t even know what it’s like to be depressed yet” because I really don’t want to hear it. I always have made an honest effort to just keep my head up and try to stay happy but it seems to get harder and harder each day. I’m not a smart kid, by any definition. My grades have always been awful even though I really try to keep them up. I have always been contemplating suicide in the back of my head since I was around 12, but recently it’s always been on my mind that I have no intention to live anymore.
I’m constantly reminded of all my problems by parents, “friends”, and pretty much everyone. No matter who I talk to nobody understands what is going on with me. To them things that seem so small are huge to me. Somebody can jokingly call me ugly or something and it will ruin my whole day, regardless of how it was before that.
For me, suicide is not a last resort. It’s basically the only answer that I can see. Every night I hope that something will go wrong and I’ll die in my sleep. I’m afraid that if I seek help, nobody will care, or they’ll judge me, So I’m not going to. The only thing that’s currently keeping me from killing myself is the fact that there doesn’t seem to be a painless, risk-free, way to go about it. I’ve attempted to hang myself once, and nobody cared, in fact I got ridiculed for it. Not only by people at school but even by my own parents. It went on for a few weeks, and I eventually had to switch schools because everyone was ridiculing me for not only trying to kill myself but failing to do so.
What I didn’t understand then, is how hard it actually is to kill yourself. IÂ am ready to kill myself but the problem is, I don’t know how. I don’t want to even risk staying alive after it, and I’d prefer it’d be almost instant. I’ve thought about jumping off a high building, but theres always the risk that the building wont be high enough or something. I also could jump in front of a moving train, but I’d rather not make a scene out of my suicide.
3 comments
Hi Jijarugen, Glad you posted here. I can relate to you in many ways, used to have similar experiences when I was a teenager – except the suicide attempts. I can´t imagine how bad you must feel for being ridiculed like that; I mean your own parents too. How the hell they can be so heartless and don´t understand the obvious signs that you are hurting so much inside.
It´s not an easy route for you my friend if you can´t have any support from your family or friends – they will understand eventually. I wish I could be there for you and give you a hug, and say that someone understands and will be there for you no matter what. What you need is a someone outsider to talk to; counselor, physiathric or someone similar. You have to have someone to vent to – and the person has to be one who doesn´t dismiss or underestimate your feelings and problems.
But you my dear friend are a very young still, and really am hoping that you don´t do anything permanent. You never know how wonderful things could be lurking around the corner. And I know it´s not helping for me to say these things, but sometimes they can be true. Do you have any hobbies you enjoy, try doing all the things that give at least a bit of pleasure and then think about how this´ll be your last time you´ll ever do them if you give up.
Btw, I´m at the point of thinking about the most painless way to go too, but still loving life. My physical illness is too hard to cope with so.
Warm hug for you, dear Jijarugen, hoping so much you will get out of your suicidal thoughts and get few smiles in your life every now and then. Life is not easy but do not give up, you are still so young and can have a very long life of true happiness and joy in your heart – at least enough to keep on trying and living.
Thank you so much. You have no idea how much just reading that helped.
Dear Jijarugen, you have no idea how nice it is for me to hear that. Hoping truely that you´ll get your emotional state in a bit better condition – firstly those suicide thoughts away. Then the real healing starts; from the little joyfull things that will eventually overcome the overall sadness and depression in you.
But you will need an outside help for that. I´m 100% sure your family and friends love you to death but they lack some good emotional qualities to sense your mental agony – so they are maybe not the best help in your situation. It´s hard, have you considered even slighly of going to some specialist to talk to?
Remember a new day will come, and you are still so young a fragile. You will get more strenght
and willpower as you age and difficulties will become easier to overcome. And happiness is slowly but surely cathing up to you – whether you like it or not – don´t ever forget that.
Again a warm hug and take care dear friend.