So I stumbled on this site tonight while researching methods to use when my time comes. I’m a little nervous about saying this out loud (or even in anonymous type), but yes, I do intend to end my life. Not now, or even in the near future, but when the time is right. There’s only one reason I’m still alive right now really, and that’s my dad. Not only is he a great guy and my untimely demise would shatter him, but he’s also paid a great deal of money our for my new doctor to stabilize my mental health. To her credit, btw, I’m actually doing much better these days.
So why end it all? Simple. I’m a waste of oxygen. I have next to zero social skills, no ambition, no motivation, no romantic skills, no parental instincts or desire…you get the idea. Basically, if life were a video game I’d be one of the sidewalk NPCs you wouldn’t think twice about running over. I wake up, get dressed, go to work, come home, screw around on the game console or my favorite social media site, go to bed, get a bad night’s sleep, and start the process over again. I’m lonely and miserable and I can’t see how to fix that. The sad part is my dad would be the only person to really miss me if I died, and he wouldn’t even know it had happened for weeks if if I did. He lives within sight of my house and never comes by. We see each other when I go to him and when I don’t I honestly don’t even know if he even thinks about me. I’ve tested this theory once by not dropping by for our weekly visit for nearly two months…not so much as a “How ya doin?” text from him. I could have been dead in the bathtub the entire time and he’d have never known until one of my neighbors complained to the police about the smell of decomp. I love him though, and as he suffers from depression himself I can’t hold too much against him. I’m all too familiar with how that feels and the limitations it puts on you.
Just occurred to me the irony of it all…my depression is the reason I want out and his is the reason I can’t leave, lol.
There’s a bunch more to the story as well…abusive mother, horrible childhood…wah frackin wah…the usual sad sack story and I won’t bore you with it. Suffice it to say I had bad stuff happen to me and I’ve done horrible things to other people as well. I didn’t mean to be such a bad person back then, but I was and now I can’t seem to forgive myself for it.
All in all I’ve just given up. Completely. On everything. Now I’m just waiting for the last person on Earth who gives a semi-crap about me to pass away so I can end it all. Given the average life span of my family and the superhero like genes we have when it comes to illness, it’s gonna be a long wait. Fingers crossed for outside intervention on this one…*looks up hoping for a meteor to fall on him* lol
Well, if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading! Hope your life is better than mine 🙂
14 comments
Welcome “new guy” and thanks for writing. Hope you find what you’re looking for and some peace tossed in for good measure.
Thanks, Randall! May peace and happiness bless you as well 🙂
love the username!
Thanks, Aye Russo! A fellow Hitchhiker’s fan then? One of my three favorite book series of all time 🙂
i also await the right time, in my case, my mom, unless something drastic happens in the meantime.
Likewise with the meantime…I would love for something to come up while I wait. Anything really….the girl of my dreams to come along and save me from it all, a late night robbery at work gone wrong…anything.
Hi new guy. Great introduction — maybe because I could have written more or less the exact same thing about myself. My family wasn’t all that bad, although I’ve chosen to live 4000 miles away from them, so there’s that…..so they weren’t all that great either, and I’m sure the feeling’s mutual.
But like you, I can’t quite bring myself to hurt them. I have elaborate plans to disappear as if it were an accident, and I’ve lived a somewhat spontaneous, risk-taking (and mainly purposeless) life, so it wouldn’t be all that unusual for somewhat like me to have an accident.
Still, I more or less like being alive as long as I’m healthy and can do my own pointless, meaningless things, but I know I can’t live this way forever — certainly not when I’m older.
Best of luck to you.
Thank you! We do sound quite similar, although I only moved 2000 miles from my family. They all moved closer to me after I moved, but after the parental divorce the rest of them gradually migrated back to the starting point.
My life doesn’t completely suck either, it’s just not a life worth living really. Things may turn around still, and I do have a while longer for it to turn around, so who knows. All I know at this point is that my retirement plans are basically to turn my On/Off switch to the permanent Off position.
Hi,
Warning. Don’t heed what lorax and aye russo say to you. They’ll probably try to use shaming tactics on you and trivialise whatever problem you have. They attacked me because I’m suicidal about being a victim of genital mutilation, so it gives you an idea of what kind of people they are.
Welcome to the site.
“I could have been dead in the bathtub the entire time and he’d have never known until one of my neighbors complained to the police about the smell of decomp.”
I can empathise. I live on my own. I could have killed myself 2 months ago and I still wouldn’t have been found unless the neighbour smelled the decomposition. My mother and father just stay away from me because they probably realise there’s no resolving my issues. It was them who allowed me to be genitally mutilated, too. They make excuses like they didn’t realise/ignorance, etc., but it was part of a wider pattern of abuse and I blame them as much as the doctor.
If you want to talk, I’m here.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been attacked on here! Everyone is different as is everyone’s pain, but no ones pain is trivial if they themselves don’t think it is.
Yeah, that was a hard pill to swallow, realizing that if I died right now the only people who would notice at all for weeks if not months would be my staff at work, and not one person would come by until the rent was a week or two late.
C’est la vie though. We can’t all be rockstars.
sup im basicly new to. infact i am new joined 3 days ago. but yea i understand ye cant say i know how it feels. but i understand. i wish you best of luck on whatever you plan. and on whatever you think is right. but whatever ur choice is make sure “you feel its right”. amd you comfertable with it. your life your choice. anyway dont wanna give you a speach. or preach you. good luck peace
Thanks! Much appreciated, onkerio! I probably have a good number of years left before I do anything, and I’m doing my best to enjoy life until then…even as hollow as it feels at times. Good luck to you as well 🙂
Welcome to the site @FordPrefect42! Hope you find some support whenever you feel desperate, best wishes, there are some awesome people on here! Cheers xx.
Thanks, purplepain! I can already tell there are some great people on here. In all honesty I’m not really looking for support, just people I can talk to who understand and won’t judge. Oh…I guess that IS technically support that I’m looking for…lol 😉