I am tired of waking up to the same day. My day is filled with emptiness and sadness. I love a man that will never love me back. His excuses exhaust me. “I love you” he says, then tells all of his friends “Oh, we are just friends”. He keeps himself open for a better prize. I have now loved 2 men in my life and gave 100% to each relationship. While in the relationship each man found love in the arms of other women. I forgave them, moved past it, but never fully trusted. I am now 30, I have given over 10 years of my life to two men, I can never get back those 10 years. I can never wish to have spent them differently. I am tired, depressed, suicidal and no one knows. I hide it ever so well. I hate the way I look, but others say that I am beautiful and a catch for any man. I hate the way clothes look on me, I hate my face, I hate my nose, I hate my teeth and I hate my smile. What can you do when you hate more than 90 percent of you. The only think I have ever liked about me is my eyes. I have beautiful eyes. Many compliment me on them. Why then, do I not feel good when I receive these compliments. Yet, I feel disgusted. Tonight my fling, lets face it, Mr. wont commit to a relationship with me after 4 years says “I don’t want to hurt you anymore”, He hates my anxiety in crowds, he hates I have a few dogs that tie me down from going on trips. He hates that I hate being around people. He hates all the things I have hated about myself since I was a child. A man committed suicide in our town a few nights ago, I felt a relief from this, I was jealous that he could finish what I have always wanted to do. I felt like a wimp, a coward. My fear of the unknown holds me back, and the fear that my dogs will not be cared for also holds me back. So I will survive another night, only to wish I can be stronger tomorrow. I am sad that there are so many of us so SAD. I know how each and every one of you feels, and you the same as I. – FallingSlow
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4 comments
I am exactly in your position ! What do you wish you did with the time instead?
I watched a doco on Debbie Reynolds and I’ve just sworn off guys. Its really hard though
Hello Fallingslow. one thing i will say is that its better to have found love and lost it then to never have loved at all. I’m in my late 20’s (close to your age) and i never had a committed relationship. Never had someone worry where i was late at night, someone to cuddle and watch movies, someone to love and protect. I wish i could of had what you had.
Nothing that i say will lift your spirits up but i do hope you find someone that will make you realize you are amazing and as others said “catch for any man” 🙂
I used to be incredibly needy, and from a very young age. I started dating when I was 17 and was very controlling, -a sure sign of insecurity. Obviously it goes back to early childhood but I just couldnt put it together until recently. As I got older,, it didnt get any better. I would be relationships with great girls (I couldnt be on my own) but couldnt move beyond being just bf/gf and even if I was tired of being with someone I wouldnt have the courage to let her go, -even though it was clear we both were not very happy. Any kind of betrayal, especially by a girl, was extremely painful. It was by taking note of the disproportionate severity of this pain that I put it together with not having had the kind of support many people get from their parents, during my formative years. (My father left when I was 6 and my mother was always working and just not emotionally present). I decided to force myself to be on my own at all costs. That was about 3 years ago.. I dont know how much better I am but at least now I feel emotionally independent. I still suffer suffer with depression, so life is not perfect,, but somehow I learned no to identify with what I feel. I realized that we are never so happy or sad as we suppose.. I think that so long as we depend on others for our emotional well-being (not that there is anything wrong with doing this to a balanced degree with the right person, someone you have built a relationship up over time), we will always end up feeling miserable. My advice is don’t waste your time. Learn to enjoy your own company so you can be with others on your own terms and have a balanced sense of where you end and they begin.
My last boyfriend (and I use that term lightly) would constantly switch from saying he loved me and wanted to be with me to saying he couldn’t give me everything I wanted (everything? I just wanted him) and wishing me the best in the future (with someone else I presume) After nine years of dealing with his off and on, hot and cold interest, he found someone else. My bad for letting him hang around so long.