I’d never felt more suicidal than I had felt today. I was so determined to put an end to this life within the next couple of weeks. I thought that since I had stooped so low I might as well try heroin, it’s not like I had any further to fall. So I chased the dragon, not intending to kill myself at that point but just for a release. It didn’t feel orgasmic or incredibly intense at the time, just relaxed like I could nod off at any time. So I thought that was that and I went to bed. All of a sudden I found I couldn’t yawn so I got out of bed and still couldn’t. It started getting worse and worse, and I began to feel myself slipping into unconsciousness and possibly death My breathing became more and more shallow and I panicked beyond belief. I jumped into the car half naked with no shoes on and bombed it up to my aunts (30 seconds away). On the way over I found myself clinging for dear life and I thought “why the FUCK did I do this to myself?!” I walked in through A&E passed 30 people all looking at me like I was satan himself and as they sat me down I was shaking like a leaf. It just got worse and I started to lose my vision. I said out loud “oh my fucking God, I’m about to die”. They hooked me up to a machine that basically showed I wasn’t getting any oxygen and I had to use everything within myself to fight off the effects of the drug, which took about an hour of purgatory, not knowing whether I was going to make it. But I chose to survive. I still hate myself, I still hate my life, and everybody hates me and knows I’m a retard, but being alive is better than being dead and actually facing the prospect of death has put it into perspective as to what it really is. We want to die to get relief but death doesn’t provide any. I never thought I’d say that. Everything’s so fucked… i’m fucked if I live and I’m fucked if I die. I’m not saying suicide is wrong but I guess I’m saying death isn’t any less painful than life. I’m more afraid of death. And I’m glad to be alive. For now.
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12 comments
“Be careful what you wish for.” True indeed. At this point, I don’t know what to wish for. I’m glad you’re okay.
Thanks friend. If you ever need someone to talk to I’m here. Disclaimer: I’m not the brightest but I have a good heart and I know what it’s like to feel lost.
We are fucked if we live and the only certainty is that we will be fucked when we die.
You sound awesome. I am glad I got to read your story.
Btw, It’s all backwards. The majority of people think great human beings are retards.
Haha, thank you =) I’m a bit outnumbered to non-retards but they become carbon copies, heartless pieces of shit after being processed by capitalism. In retards we trust <3
well to be honest you didn’t make it to the other side, so truly you don’t know the full extent of it all, so don’t condemn it. Its the passage that involves the suffering, some methods no doubt prolonged more than others. But it sounds like you came close. I would have just “continued” and let it happen. Once I get to the point of actually committing an act of suicide, as I did last year, I intend to “finish the job”. And for me that next time will be a “Im gonna get the job done for sure” deal. Coz I know at that point, al is truly over for me on this earth, and I will be mentally ready to accept what is on that other side. In short, I will be at peace with it. You weren’t. You decide how good or bad that truly is.
I hear you bro. And that’s kinda the thing, I WAS determined and felt I’d do anything to die but as it approached I’d do anything to live. I’ve always had the same attitude as you. My actual method was to inject a massive amount of heroin and fall back from a skyscraper, so I was pretty serious about it. I have a feeling what I’m describing is self preservation instinct and maybe I’ll still commit suicide. I’m definitely a GREAT candidate for it. In fact, suicide is probably the one thing I’d ever be qualified for but for many they’re not knowing what they actually want until they face it. That said, it was the fear of the unknown and excruciating experience I might have to go through to get there. In theory it’s good, it’s like “I’ll just feel a few seconds/minutes of agony and then it’ll be over” but when that time is now and you’re about to experience it, those seconds/minutes suddenly don’t seem so short. And I’m too young, I think of all that I don’t have when I’m depressed but when dying I thought of all those as things I could’ve had. I understand now why people with terminal illnesses don’t just pop themselves. Life is one fucked up piece of shit. I look forward to it being over, but I don’t want to face that passage again.
Go on the website “imgur.com”
It will cheer you up.
Literally the best site on the web
No thanks needed
http://i.imgur.com/O8ivVW5.jpg
sorry that your life has been like this. Hope you can find peace… Glad your alive.
Thank you sadgiraffe, so am I. If you ever need someone to talk to send me a PM. I’m sorry about what we’re all going through. It’s 5:20AM so imma sleep.
When you see the edge, the REAL edge, feel it… seeping in, creeping into you, feel the loss of control, the separating, the disconnecting, the reality of your own mortality, of what you really are… it’s chilling, and changes some things.
You’ll realize that you have to try, until you can’t. And it’s far more difficult to accept that inevitable, eventual inability, once you know what “it goes away” really means.
It’s this or nothing. Try to make it good while you got it. People who haven’t been there won’t understand. And if those people who haven’t been there, judge you harshly for stupid reasons… you’ll realize their opinion is worthless, but it’ll still feel like shit sometimes. Try to focus on You, not them. Enjoy your moments in the sun while you can still have them, even if everything sucks. Try to do something worth doing, whatever that might be.
Thank you for being so forthcoming in regards to your posts. Im sure that many people will read your words and find meaning in their intended message. I’m glad to hear your alive. My wish is that many years from now, when you’re renewed and restored, you’ll look back on this chapter of your life and smile. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you.