BeingHappy

I absolutely hate it when people say things like “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” or “it gets better” or “everyone has hard times, you just have to get past it”. I totally understand that most people who say these things have great intentions, and are just trying to make me feel better or inspire me to keep living and I 100% am grateful for that, for them trying to help, for them trying to understand but that doesn’t make those sayings sound any less stupid to me. And that’s not to say that I don’t love the people saying those things to me. If I am feeling suicidal and you’re trying to make me feel better, it is almost certain that I love you and that I believe with all my heart that just by being alive you are making this world a better place. Whether I know you or not, I will think those things. But I just don’t like those phrases. I can only imagine that most people who say those things have no idea what it means to be suicidal. That’s not to say all people who say those things or similar things have never felt sad or been suicidal, but to me the fact that I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts for over ten years means that my problem is not so temporary and given my history, I don’t see it getting better any time soon. And that makes me wonder what it’s like to not be suicidal. What’s it like to enjoy life? To have things to look forward to? To have people to share good times with? That must be great. But I can’t even imagine it. It’s so completely foreign to me. It’s like telling me to imagine what it’s like to live on the moon. I have no context to put it in. I have never been to the moon, I don’t even know that much about the moon, so how could I imagine what it’s like to live there? That’s what being happy is like to me, so completely unfamiliar to me that I can’t even imagine it. I don’t have any memory of ever being happy; I’ve never experienced it, therefore, I can’t imagine it. And that must be what it’s like for people who have never had suicidal thoughts to think about suicide. They must be so perplexed by the idea, like its not even real for them. And that’s amazing! I’m so happy for those people, I wish that for everyone reading this and for everyone in the world.