It just gets worse

I’ve never imagined I could be as devastated as I am now. I don’t believe in god but as my life progresses it is hard to believe that this amount of bad luck is random. 

I’m not going to talk about the years of abuse I endured in my childhood or the fact that my mom died when I was four. I won’t go on about my dad’s alcoholism, and after this sentence I won’t mention the blister acne that adorned my face from 12-21. I won’t dwell on the murder of my best friend in high school or my family’s lack of funds. No, those aren’t the things that make me want to jump off the roof of my building. I am pissed off and sad and miserable because the one person I ever loved completely and with whom I spent 8 years of my life died last year of a heart attack on my birthday. 

I was turning 31 and we were talking about plans for his 31st and suddenly he died at dinner at the restaurant. There’s more to it. There was a coma and he actually died 10 days later, but as I knew him, he died on my birthday. I lost my job, and now all our savings is gone. I have $90,000 of student loan debt and have been applying and interviewing, but I’m getting no offers. When will I find the courage to put an end to my suffering? I am ashamed I haven’t done it yet. I am too scared, but I am in so much pain.