All I ever wanted to do is be happy. How can I expect anyone to love me if I can’t even love myself.
My life isn’t as bad as some, but that doesn’t mean I am any less dead inside. I have thought about dying since  I was in grade 6. That was before I even knew what the words depression  and suicide meant. I learnt about cutting in grade 8, told myself I would never do it, I thought as soon as I did it would be over. In grade 10 my best friend told me she did it, that’s when I realized cutting didn’t mean my life would stop. So I tried it; and I’ve never stopped. It wasn’t all bad, it was our secret, we coped by sharing our thoughts with each other. It was easy to talk to someone who new what I felt and I could trust her to keep my secret, as I had to keep hers.
Things are different now. Years have passed and I am now in university, questioning my career choices, the practicality of my decisions instead of following my dreams. Now entering into third year I can’t say I have many close friends left if any. Everyone is so happy with what they are doing. I have to work very hard to understand the concepts, while most of my friends always 10 steps ahead of me. How will I ever last in the real world? With 50 grand gone there is no way i can quit.
I feel trapped. That friend of mine is doing much better now, she even found herself a guy she is crazy about. She seems so happy. I feel like time is stopped. I have wanted to die for 8 years now. But i keep holding out for that silver lining, for the hope that I will actually be happy in the future.
I just don’t know how much longer I can last.
4 comments
I can’t tell you how proud I am if you. It’s hard enough to continue fighting when you’re suicidal, but not only did you not give up, you are trying to give yourself a better life by getting an education! And not only were you suicidal, you have been for eight years. I don’t know how you did it, but I’m telling you it means something. If you were really weren’t meant to be here, you would be gone. But you’re not! You’re fighting through all the pain and guess what? You are winning this war. Some people would have stopped trying by now, but you are strong enough not to. Trust me, if you’ve made it this far there is something inside you that is different than the others. You’re special, and don’t ever doubt that. You’re a fighter. That’s how you’ve made it. Others aren’t as strong as you, some of them fell. But you stand strong. Please don’t give up. If you ever need a kind voice or just some advice, I’m here. Email me, breannakienzle@gmail.com. You can do this. I believe in you with all my heart. Keep going, you’re going to win.
Wow, thank you for such kind words. I am actually studying engineering, which isn’t exactly helping my social life. It wears me down but keeps me busy, but as soon as I have a moment to myself all these thoughts come rushing in.
That’s completely normal. With a life so crammed full of stuff its sometimes hard to find time for your own thoughts. When you do get time to think, everything that you haven’t had time for just explodes inside of you, and sometimes, you do t know what to do about it. But don’t think that there is something wrong with you because of this. And engineering is not an easy thing to learn, no wonder you are stressed! And if you ever need a friend, you could come here or your family or whatever you prefer 🙂
i wanted to write a long comment…but brebrook has said all that i wanted to. the fact that you are in engineering is proof of your capability and intelligence. sometimes when we start down this dark tunnel of negative thinking our intelligence starts firing on all cylinders to accelerate the downward spiral…but don’t let it fool you, for it is your imagination not reality. stress can contribute a lot to this too. and going by the fact that u are in college, i realize that there 8 years would have been demanding because it is now a well accepted fact that there is a great deal of stress during those development years. millions of people have gone through such a phase in their lives, even longer than 8 years and then come out of the dark clouds. i’m sure you will too!