Firefly In

I’ve been told to look to the future, but I feel so cramped now. My past can make me cry on the spot and the pain in the past is so unbearable I look to options that are frowned upon. The present is also unbearable, being tired and stressed out, and my future only holds ridiculous amounts of stress. The future is just, too much. I don’t even want to think about next week let alone the upcoming years. Even when I’m in my thirties, I’m going to have this stress. How are we supposed to live like this?

How can you get on with your day, knowing these problems. That, when you refuse to eat all of your dinner because you don’t like it, another child is starving with no energy to even cry about it. That, when you go to school and hate it, another kid begs for charity to go to school. How can you live knowing all this?

Life for us, has been made unnecessarily painful.

I want to be a psychiatrist. I want to help people, and I’m stuck.

I was to study in my country, but my course will take me into my thirties. Six years in medicine, one year internship and eight years studying psychiatry. But, the person that I’ve been with for roughly four years now, wants to move back to his country. But the education, economy and private health in his country is terrible. It’s dangerous there. I don’t know how to solve this. I’ve tried to just, put it out of my mind because its so stressful it hurts my head.

I feel like I’m never going to have a break, you know? I’m tired and I’m just… over it.

Does anyone else feel this way? That, the stress is so painful it keeps you up at night, no matter what method you try to expel it, whether it be writing it down or talking it out with someone, it just keeps at you? Am I the only forced to go to school and work and spend ridiculous hours on homework? To wake up at 6:00am and to come home at 9:00pm is a long f***ing day.

I wanna go back to being little. It’s so simple being little. But when I was little, I was forced to grow into an aggressive person because if I wasn’t aggressive, my siblings would rip me apart.

But I still miss the simplistic nature of black and white.

Firefly Out.