Two days ago, I was in the worst spot of my life. I tried to kill myself. Today, I’m in a hospital and being called a hero, strong, and inspiring. I don’t deserve it and I don’t know why. But I guess it feels nice to be loved for once.
Well, I saw a psychiatrist today. It was pretty much useless. I went in for an hour and a half, and in the end he diagnosed me with depression. Thanks, totally didn’t know that already. Glad it’s costing a couple hundred dollars to see someone who’s telling me shit I already know.
The depression’s starting to come back really hard. It’s starting to get almost as bad as it was before my attempt. Like, almost-considering-trying-to-kill-myself-again bad. I’m trying to hold it together for you guys though. I wouldn’t want to crush the hope I’ve somehow given you 😛
Anyways, I hope all of you are well (or whatever classifies as “well” in our community). If any of you want to talk about whatever, you can email me at allinthemusic98@gmail.com. I may not respond right away, but go ahead :). Anyway, I’ll keep you all posted when I get the chance.
Music quote of the day: “It’s just knowing that the world will not be cursing nor forgiving when I walk along some railroad tracks and find that you’re moving on the backroads by the rivers of my memory, and for hours you’re just gentle of my mind.” – Glen Campbell, “Gentle On My Mind”
Stay strong and alive (no matter how hard it may seem),
Lucy
11 comments
Hang in there Lucy, it’ll get easier. Again, im glad to see you havent lost strength. Remember, relapse in almost 100% inevitable. It’ll be tough, speaking from experience, but as long as you have hope, you’ll be ok. Hope you dont get too bored in that hospital haha
Thanks a lot 🙂 I’ve been losing strength rapidly, but it hasn’t completely faded yet. It slowly gets worse by the hour, but I’ve still got a ways to go I guess. And I’m bored out of my mind, haha. I think the only things keeping me sane are this website and funny youtube videos…
What kind of music are you into Lucy? 🙂
Anything, to be honest. There really isn’t a genre that I don’t like. I prefer rock and roll as well as acoustic the most however. Lately, I’ve been listening to a lot of Johnny Cash for some reason…
I ‘m writing this while listening to johnny cash hurt 😉 what an amazing artist 🙂 Lucy, tell me more about yourself(about the good side of your life, if there is one), tell me about what you like, what are your hobbies, what you think about, what you dream about 🙂
Well, to be honest there isn’t much of a good side of my life. But I suppose the only real things I find solace in these days are music and the ocean. Sometimes I just like to look out on the waves, it just kinda keeps me tethered a little while longer. I don’t really have very many hobbies, I’ve tried to write my own music and it didn’t work out that well, haha. I guess the only real “hobby” I have is playing video games, which isn’t really a hobby anyway. The only thing I really think about is what it would be like to have a “normal” life, with a “normal” family. And I always wonder what it’s like to not have depression… I’ve had it so long that I don’t remember what it feels like to be legitimately “happy”, with no hints of sadness.
By the way, have you heard “Gentle On My Mind” or “Long Black Veil” by Johnny Cash? Two of my favorites (even though he didn’t write them). They were recorded in the later years of his life, just like with “Hurt”.
I’m trying to control the urge to talk about myself and my experiences, i guess everyone just wants to talk about themselves.. But, i think you are much more interesting than me. I just want to hear everyones stories, their feelings and thoughts about life.. So, tell me what do you feel when you play gentle on my mind, watch the ocean, the waves splashing, what comes to mind 🙂 What games you play, what do you think you would do, if you had a normal life, what would you do differently PS. I have heard of those songs and their on my playlist 😛 PPS. Is your name really Lucy? PPPS. Why did you change your name to seasofblue? 🙂
I don’t really care if you talk about yourself, haha. I don’t really see how I’m “interesting”, I’m just a 16 year old who’s had a shitty life and thinks about killing herself. I mean, I don’t really feel very much anymore besides sadness. But i guess when I listen to music and watch the water I feel a little more… at peace. Like I forget about my life, the pain, and the shit that’s happened. I don’t know, I’m not very good at explaining things, but I suppose it’s the closest thing I can get to happiness. I just lose myself. Kinda like with music, I just pretty much play any kind of game I can get my hands on (which isn’t very many, granted). I really like Halo and Mario. I really don’t know what I’d do if I had a better life… I just can’t even imagine what it’s like. I suppose I’d just try to be with my parents as much as I can, just to see what it’s like, and I guess I’d try to have an actual relationship with someone and not be scared like I am now. Yea, my name is really Lucy, and I changed it to SeasOfBlue because I wanted to be known by something other than “Lucy”, because I feel like most people on this website have a username (maybe just subconsciously trying to fit in). If you ever want to talk or need someone to talk to (I know I do sometimes) then don’t hesitate to email me at allinthemusic98@gmail.com. I’d like to know these things about you, too 🙂
Everything is based on perspective 🙂 You said you think your just a 16 year old who’s had a shitty life and thinks about killing herself. Well, as for me, i think your such a person i could talk to all day, a person whose emotions and thoughts are pure, natural and honest. A person who’s story is not a common one. Why don’t we keep talking here, where we can be ourselves without fearing what other people think of us. I guess we can try emailing, but this site just.. feels.. like our way out. I don’t know.. I really don’t know what i’m talking about at times.. I’m gonna go to sleep. I’ll have to live my shitty life tomorrow and pretend like everything is fine by putting a happy “mask” on. I’ll email you tomorrow if it’s ok 🙂
Ha, thanks… I guess I just act like that because I’m not used to having someone who will openly talk to me, let alone the amount of people who’ve encouraged me on this website. It just feels… weird. But not really in a bad way, I guess. And I know EXACTLY how you feel. It’s like I just have to act like this happy person who’s okay with everything for my sister, and I have to be someone I’m not, while on the inside I feel like I’m dying. And email me any time you want to, I’ll be here 🙂 and if you want to talk on this website, that’s fine too, I have no problems.