Long lived blackbird

So while I know this post will be long and I’m not sure worth anyone’s time I’m warning in advance it may not be worth reading… I just decided I’ll tell everything even if it may all be stupid..

Ill start from the beginning. I’m 23.

Growing up my parents always argued between the yelling and hitting I always somehow found myself with headphones under my bed. At 10 the called it quits my mom had had enough. The day my father left is still pretty upsetting because I remember just how much he cried. Finally thing were getting better. So I thought… About 8 months down the road a man (one of my fathers good friends) started coming around more and more and eventually I saw my mothers closet full of his clothes and knew it wasn’t just us girls anymore (me my mother and older sister).. Months grew on and he drug my mom down in his alcoholic state. My mother no longer kept food in the house and she no longer talked to my sister and I. Every night they came home from the bar was hours I had to prepare myself for. Because my sister was in high school and had friends who could drive I was always the only one to take most of what my mother couldn’t handle from him. From being spit on kicked beaten and drug by hair my mother isn’t care to see the horrid pain she was causing her family.. At 15 things took a turn he started touching and doing things that I didn’t realize at the time were wrong but as I grew older my eyes opened.. My school had already called childrens services a few times and they had seen how many domestic violence calls had been made from my house but nothing was happening. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I had to get out after a night where it was just too much I skipped from friends house to friends house. Eventually my mother called the cops on me and I was picked up and taken to a group home. After the group home they sent me to a foster home. I then tried to run again because my foster parents only used us for the money the state would give them for taking in children. I started talking to an old friend from school after I got out of foster care. He was in the military. He then introduced me to the man who is now my husband. During my husbands first deployment I was living with my father walking back and forth to work everyday I busted my ass to try and work to support myself. During his deployment I found out my father was a drug addict. Something my mother and older sister knew but I guess never thought was important for me to know. Not that if they did I would love him any less because I will always love him. However he dragged me into his trouble. One morning I woke up to pounding at the door I went to the door and was immediately pinned against a wall by swat looking for my father. In tears because I knew they were taking my father away for idk how long I took his important belongings and wrote down everything he told me in order to keep the bills paid to keep a roof over my head. I was 18 at this time. Still walking to and from work everyday I came home a few days after he was taken away to find an eviction notice on the door stating my father owed almost 2,000$ in back rent and he had been given probiotics warning and I now only had 72 hrs to get my things and go. With my money I had decided although my father made mistakes I couldn’t let him lose everything he had because that’s what happened to me with my mother. I decided to move all his things to a storage unit. I went to pay his court fees and eventually bailed him out. Never receiving a thank you and or be acknowledged when he got out I felt betrayed yet again. He then got a girlfriend who I had yet to really know. I thought she was funny and caring but then gone one day I got a phone call from my father telling me to hurry home and that something was wrong. Not wanting to go because he would beat me with a belt in his angry states I went anyways because I could tell in his voice something more was wrong. His girlfriend who was also a drug addict and apparently we’ll known prostitute according to her record had beat my father. Her and her brothers jumped my dad. Laying here in pain I knew I couldn’t pick him up . After many attempts I knew it wouldn’t be as easy as lifting my mothers drunken body covered in vomit off the porch and inside I decided to call 911. He had a dislocated shoulder bruised ribs and facial fractures. Feeling alone I couldn’t wait until my fiancé at the time returned from his deployment. My husband came home July of 2010. August we found out I was pregnant. At 19 I knew I had finished school but I was still young and somewhat afraid. Weeks seemed to fly by and then my world really came to a hult. At 28wks my 2lb 12oz baby boy was laying cold blue and lifeless in my arms. After his death my husband and I didn’t really know what to say to each other.. A few months later feeling sicker than the usual depression of my sons loss and the horrid flashbacks that were occurring more and more of the things my mothers boyfriend did I decided to take a pregnancy test. To my surprise it was positive … I broke down fearing the worst. At almost 37 weeks a little piece of  4lb 8oz joy came into the world!! Raising him had become my number one priority. I knew I would love and protect him in ways my mother and father never did for me. However with my flashbacks getting worse and my husband and his lack of communication I began raising my son what felt like as a single mother. We never talked anymore. The harder I tried the more he pushed away. I’m not really sure where to leave this story now accept for the fact that I he is on another deployment now and I am raising my son the best possible way I can. He is my joy but with joy how do I still feel so worthless ?.. I want to be the best I can for him but I can’t seem to let the monsters inside me die.. Am I failing him like I have failed everyone else?…. I’ve been told I need help and if that’s what would be needed for me to not be such a failure to him I would.. But I’m afraid that because I’ve been a self harmer since I was 15 and that I think of suicide at times they’ll take him from me. Because I have such a dysfunctional family I don’t have anyone to give him to if they were to not let him e with me while I get help.. I’m not sure what to do… I guess in this I’m just looking for a little piece of advice. I’m sorry if I waisted anyone’s time with this. Thanks