Since October 2012 I have been living in a nightmare. I was engaged, with 2 children living in a nice house with a good job. Then I made a mistake and I lost it all. I lost the job and then family within the space of 7 days.
I had regular access to my kids until Christmas 2012 when after an argument my ex decided I shouldn’t see my kids. I missed my daughters 1st Christmas, so on the 31st I decided to kill myself. I drove to the cemetery near where I grew up and I took 90 Amitriptyline hydrochloride with a bottle of vodka. I waited 5 minutes and I called for an ambulance, i was staring at a picture of my children and I was scared of what they would think of me. The ambulance arrived and I passed out on the way to the hospital.
I was in a dream world, I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was watching my children through a window and they couldn’t see me.
I woke up on the 2nd of January at 11am, with a tube down my throat and people staring down at me. My dad was there, who I have never got on well with, his wife who has always hated me, my brother Darren looking the worst. The tube came out and I tried to close my eyes to see my children through the window again but they kept waking me up. They asked if I knew what the date was I didn’t, my told me it was the 2nd and I could see the anger in his eyes. My family have always lacked compassion towards people, you were to work not to care in their eyes. I wish my mum was there she would have done what I needed her to do. Give me a hug and tell me it would be alright, instead I got hostility, It was 6 hours before I saw a face that wasn’t just mad at me for being upset. I got a message from the nurse that there was a phone call for me and it was my ex, it was a difficult conversation, she asked how I was told me what happened after I passed out with her finding out with a voice message and then an abusive message from my dads then girlfriend.
At the time I was staying at my grandparents house, after what happened it was decided that I should move into my fathers house, which I knew was not going to be a good idea. I pleaded with everyone that I knew that he would not help me, and that i would be worse off. The day after I was dragged around the town my father lived in looking for furniture, running around at that pace was a strain on my heart and I felt incredibly faint having to lift furniture. I got to see my kids again shortly after this and it was the best feeling I had in a long time. I moved out of my dads house and began sleeping in my car and occasionally at my exs house.
I got a temp job which was a good star and it was going well until around june, just before my birthday when I had another disagreement with my ex. She cut me off from my kids again and I slipped down again, I stopped going to work, I was living in an awful house in a terrible location. I eventual lost the temp job in October and I had only got to see them on FaceTime.
Ill skip to do today. I have a job in a better place and I have a house in an area I know but I haven’t see my kids in over a year now I have missed all the major milestones and I haven’t spoke to them since January.
I don’t have any friends, I don’t get invited to do things other than the cinema, I am grossly overweight since I have zero motivation to lose it. I am angry all the time. I am scared to go to a lawyer and be told that I legally cannot see them anymore.
I am stuck, I have nothing worth living for, I only want them, when I reach out to my ex I get abuse and told that they do not want me. Even now I am writing this instead of working. I am truly better off dead, I am a waste of space just another mistake.
Nobody cares if I live or not and that is the truth.
Sorry for making you read all that but I had to tell it to someone. If I can get the courage to kill myself I will before I snap and hurt other people.
Stephen
7 comments
Stephen, how are you feeling now?
Much the same. It’s scary to try and think of the best way to do this
I have the strong urge to edit my previous post. Probably a stupid question but I still want to know whats going on in your mind now. You are still here right? I’m not good with words or at giving advice, so, sorry for the selfish request, but I am at least a good listener. Not sure how much that will help but yeah… You might not wish to respond but I just wanted you to know that there is someone who cares. Good night
Oh wow. i got a response. yay! sorry…didn’t know i had to reload the page to see a new comment
Sigh. -_- I’m awkward so it took me forever to finally be satisfied with my second comment and post. I’m glad you’re still here with us though.
Oh my god I love this post. Please don’t ever feel like your kids do not want you. If they do, its your ex poisoning their mind. Trust me, they will eventually discover the truth and want you in their lives. I had a crappy dad who everyone supported, but as I grew older I ‘clued’ up to the truth – everyone was just sucking up to him because he was powerful. I got the heck outta there and haven’t spoken to my family for a year now.
Please keep fighting for your children. You WILL win! I believe in your genuine love for your children and know it’ll get you where you need to be in the end. I’m lost without a proper dad and I’d hate to see an amazing one disappear from a child’s life.
My mind is always a mess and Rey pretty much said some of what I can’t form into words. I don’t know you that well Stephen but I can tell you love your children very much. Don’t give up just yet. I say talk to the lawyer. Why are you afraid the lawyer will tell you no? I don’t know what criteria you’d have to meet to be denied access to your children but set yourself goals and prove to them you would be a great dad. You DO have a reason to live. My parents are divorced and my dad has always lived nearby but I didn’t see him enough growing up. I suppose I could have reached out but I wished he had made a greater effort to be involved in our lives too.