Close Call

I just registered here to have somewhere to share. Tonight was a close call. Extremely close. It made me realize I need help badly, but I have nowhere to turn but the internet, so here I am.

It all started a little over a year ago. My landlord handed me an eviction notice because I was 3 months behind on rent. Then he handed my wife a note telling her about how it was all my fault. We were already having marital problems, mostly because of the financial hardships we’d landed in, and that just made it worse.

We managed to find a crappy little trailer to move ourselves and our two kids into. When I say crappy I mean CRAPPY. I literally had to be careful where I stepped to avoid putting my foot through a rotted section of floor and locking the door was absolutely pointless. I finished my classes (second time through college) and thought I’d get a raise at work, but nope. I still owe ITT Tech $1800 so they won’t release my transcript. On top of that finishing meant that my student loans needed paid, then my wife failed out of college and HER student loans need paid to.

We finally got out of that house and into a semi-decent trailer, but right now I’m behind on my car by 3 months, and we’re far enough from town that if we lose it I have no way to get to work. The money just isn’t there.

And to top it off my wife told me last night that she still loves me but she’s not attracted to me anymore. Not that this is a surprise mind you since she hasn’t lifted a finger to do anything for me, even what she promised she would, for the last six months, maybe longer.

Great, now I sound like I’m just complaining and bitter. I suppose I am a little bitter, but I don’t mean to complain. Anyway my wife told me something else. She told me that when we first met it was my happiness and unflappability (my word, not hers) and optimism that attracted her to me, but now she looks in my eyes and they’re just dead. And that’s pretty much how I feel. I used to see the best in everyone and everything. Silver linings used to come to me so easily that I couldn’t even see the dark clouds. I didn’t even know HOW to be pessimistic.

But now, ever since that eviction, my life is disintegrating around me and I don’t know how to stop it. Every time I think I’ve got my feet under me again something comes along and knocks me over.

There’s only one man on the face of the planet I’d trust enough to sit down and talk to about this, my best friend, my brother by another mother. But he’s 750 miles away now, too far to help me, and I NEED help. Tonight I was just standing with the tool in my hand (I’ll get no more specific than that), pondering whether I could make it look like an accident so that my family would still get the life insurance. It was that close. I went looking for a suicide helpline and found http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ instead. I think it saved my life tonight. I read it then I cried for about an hour.

I’m tired, I’m hurt, and I’m ashamed. The only person I trust isn’t here. I can’t even call him because my phone’s been shut off. I need help, but, as I think should be obvious by now, I cannot afford a therapist. So here I am. I only hope I can find it here.