I am a single mother of two… I just had to terminate my 5th pregnancy and I am only 25. I pissed of my boyfriend by using him and not talking with him, and he was the love of my life. My kids are spoiled and I feel like a stupid slut most of the time. My father sold me sexually from 5 on… And abused me emotionally, physically and sexually. My parents told me I was an accident. I was not meant to be here. I found myself skimming dating and sex sites looking for the man who I will never find. After the abortion, I feel invalid. I let my sons and my family down. My soulmate, I left him, and now there is no way to repair the damage done. The government says I owe them nearly 18,000$ even though I am on disability. I have crazy social anxiety, and boarderline personality disorder. I want peace. No more suffering. It consumes me night and day. No more worrying about my lost love, no more being a terrible parent because I don’t even have the will to get out of bed. Shower, all I do is eat. So I get blood clots if I don’t take my blood thinners… So I have decided to stop them. Don’t mourn a fuck-up.
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God, when I read your story, my heart hurt for you.
You aren’t a terrible person nor parent. Your parents, and I use the term very loosely, failed YOU. Instead of being responsible, nurturing and loving, they destroyed, tormented and inflicted pain. You haven’t done anything wrong to deserve the abuse you had done to you. I speak from experience.
I feel so hypocritical when I say this, but do not let your abusers win. They will never feel the pain, hopelessness and gut wrenching pain they inflicted on us. I’m going through my own battle with a very sad and painful childhood I never healed from, and it has extended into my thirties. We are not responsible for their sick and twisted ideations.
I don’t know what else to say without sounding like a know it all. I hope you can begin to heal someday.
It wasn’t your fault.
Um. You feel like a stupid slut because that’s how you’re acting. Terminating so many pregnancies?Wouldn’t after the first one, you’d take better precautions so that it wouldn’t happen again? My parents were like you, so eager to fuck that they were too stupid to take measures to deal with what might happen as a result. I don’t feel bad for you. You are the one who got yourself in this situation. So do what’s best for you and your children and get yourself out of it.
Absolutely no sympathy for you!
Wow. Why the ruddness? Be kind
TS, while I normally agree with your posts and comments, this is the one time I don’t.
Considering what she was exposed to, and the people who were supposed to protect her, all failed miserably. It’s no wonder she feels like she does. She learned by example from her ‘parents’.
As far as referring herself as a ‘slut’, many victims of sexual assault either become promiscuous and/or frigid, trying so desperately to, pardon my expletives, fuck the pain away and look for love and attention from nefarious people. I have been on both ends of the spectrum.
I’m not trying to start a bunch of drama, but I had to say something because I felt so strongly about your comment.
Okay. I apologize for not considering all of that, and for being so harsh in my comment. Please forgive me. <3
No hard feelings TS, and you’re forgiven. I had to put my personal perspective on it because I am a survivor of child and adult sexual assault. I haven’t been able to heal myself until just recently.
I have felt the same pain and done some of the same things, such as being promiscuous and looked for anyone to love me, and the lines between casual sex and love were blurred and not the same thing. It wad a painful epiphany. I felt like I was worthless, but I know I wasn’t at fault for what happened to me. Not one survivor is at fault, and anyone saying otherwise can kiss my flat ass.
I had to show the other side of the coin, so to speak. I hope she can forgive herself and get some sort of peace with her life. All of us deserve to be happy, accepted and loved, despite what anyone says.