Howdy ,
I’m Gollum , male , 45 years old . Digital artist , broke , over-sensitive , tired , struggling with (“not-so-heavy-anymore”) depression since 2006 , when a very unexpected , painful & unhealthy divorce (after a decade and 1/2 of a very happy life) , put me in the deepest depths (ooo the pleonasm^^) of the well . I don’t have children btw .
Why Gollum as username ? (I could also have chosen Darth Vador , or Mr Hyde)
As an artist , I’ve always been into literature , imagery , music … Basically , I’m just fascinated by the evolution of these fictional characters . All good guys at the start , turning into something dark , sad and in the end , revengeful … because of their own weakness , because of bad luck or a “hammering fate” , or just because of others playing … hmmm… how to say … “Dirty tricks” . And I see a lot of myself in those characters .
So , I never thought I’d ever register/post on a site like this … but here I am . Like I said , my depression isn’t as heavy as it was in 2006 . I was about one minute from killing myself back then , but didn’t do it . A psychotherapy , med’s and trying to keep a “normal” life soothed most of it … on the surface at least .
I’m in a relationship again since 5 years , I have friends , I have my artistic/professional abilities , I’m generally well-appreciated , I still have a sense of humor , and I think I’m quite intelligent/cultivated (no “show-off”intended 😉 )
…Still …
Not a single day passes without a lil’ thought (just a few sec’s) about suicide .
Not a single day passes without that redundant feeling that I don’t belong to this world/place/time .
Not a single day passes without feeling my last ounces of “trust-and-faith-in-mankind” slipping away .
Not a single passes without seeing (despite my wishes) that even the closest , most loved persons surrounding me , are not being totally honest .(Not even mentioning the “less-close” ones)
Not a single day passes without feeling exhausted/tired …
It’s like, after all the energy I spent on not killing myself and getting better, I don’t have enough left to achieve everyday’s duties or to face “common life sorrows”. The tank is empty (or very close to) .
Another thing that happens systematically in my life , is that , every time I have a nice surprise (f.ex: unexpected income , job opportunity or anything else that’s just good news) … It’s “taken away” within the 48 hours/72 hours at the most by a bad news/unexpected bill or failing person . I’m not exaggerating this … It happens every single time . (fortunately , I haven’t won millions in lottery … imagine what would happen 48h later !!! Ouch ! ^^ ;P )
Anyway …
I don’t know what my goal is to post this here . I have no (immediate) suicide plans , no hope-sharing either…. I just felt like doing it .
Sincerely ,
Gollum
9 comments
Go talk to Niki =b
Dear Gollum,
There’s no need to space when using punctuation, it makes you seem silly.
Suicide isn’t wrong. I mean, it’s not as bad as the media would make it seem. Though if you do have family members who care about you, then you should consider them before deciding to off yourself. You have a lot of things going for you it would seem. You should stop and think about why you feel this way about yourself in spite of that. Only you would know why. 🙂
Love,
Penelope
I too am fascinated by the bad guys and the process of becoming what they become. I think it started with Godzilla(SO awesome,for so many reasons)when I was a tot-Im a 43 yr old female. Also, the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang blew my mind(seriously FD up thing from start to finish with the porn names,but the castle sequence was SO So, dark!!!) anyway ,how did you feel about Watchmen? Rorschach is so cool…hes a nasty mix of depravity and yet on the “right “side. Always ive been inclined toward Magneto,and his band of merry pranksters,but Nightcrawler(Wagner) and Wolverine ,too-its so hard!lol
Star Wars gets too deep-ive read all of the books and the Lost Tribe of Sith (they go WAAAAY back) are so cool-my favorites are all Sith stories,excepting the Clone stories-their personal development-th first couple batches,I mean,-and their desertion is so riveting to me-I love those stories!!Ok,anyway-I pitied Gollum,but couldnt love him-but ANYWAYYY-the suicidal thoughts come in very easily-involuntarily it might seem,in fact-once you have indulged them deeply during your low times.I find I use it as an option for mysf when facing any ordeal,big or small at this point. I tell myself as im slogging through my lonely mortification that I CAN ALWAYS do it if I cant take another moment. Its a comfort to me,despite being a permanent solution . But, iv noticed that the thoughts are waiting to flood in when i experience disappointment and pain, instantaneously,and they dont relent quickly….Thats CRAZY that you always get your good surprises taken back….how frustrating. Like you must feel picked on. Im sorry for you on that,its wretched! I will refrain from making a case for living or dying,as you indicated above you were not looking for a dialogue of that sort:)
Hey Gollum, I used to be into digital art also. Still am, kind of, but I’m no good at it so decided to quit. I’d like to see some of your works. Must be cool working as a digital artist 🙂
@ Bisban: Had to laugh at that (I got the point)
Seriously though, it’s only the psychological/emotional aspect that captivates me. Not the superpowers 😉
@ Penelope: My “space must be twisted” too 😉 old habit to space punct. I’m working on it right now.
About the close ones, they’re the 1st thing I think about when I have dark thoughts.
About knowing why I feel that way, I have my answer. But depending on the day, I just can’t tell if that answer is valid enough. Indeed, not everything is bad for me, there’s always some kind of… potential.
But my life-experience (since 2006) is all about potential-only (or potential being avorted), not about potential-becoming-a-real-accomplishment. That’s what I’m fed up with.
@Misanthrope: Yes, many cool fiction characters indeed 🙂
I also agree that once the seed is planted, it remains always there, underneath…
Thanks for the support about my surprises. Crazy, yes it is. Ah well…^^
@DeathDreamer7: Artistically, yep, it’s cool (2/3 of my activities are music-related, 1/3 is visual related). The country I live in doesn’t make it easy though, on the administrative side for freelancers.
And I cannot say that I have a huge affection/respect for the pro-level music/graphism community’s mentality. A bucket full of snakes (Not everyone , but a big majority, for sure)
And sorry, I can’t yet point you out to some of my works without revealing my real name/face/geography. 😉
Gollum
Curious why you can’t reveal your works Gollum. Your post was interesting now I’m curious. Why would your name face and geography be revealed from showing some of your works?
I could have written much of your post myself, Gollum, so I thought maybe I could share something I’ve learned since my own “crash” with you.
You said that thoughts of suicide are consistently part of your thought processes. The same is also true of me. For myself, I fear that – in the days my emotional pain was unbearable (during “the crash”) – my only escape from the pain truly was suicide. I stayed alive only because of a personal value I have about affecting others’ lives without their participation in the decision. That left me only the THOUGHT of suicide as a comfort. And, to this day (5.5 years later), when my life becomes overwhelming, my mind automatically self-soothes with those same thoughts. It has become some sort of comfort measure…and I HATE it!
@DC001: Yet, I can’t. The sites where it can be seen have credited me with my real name, pic’s of me & my pro coord’s. I’ll see (if I have time) to upload a couple of things to Imageshack or Photobucket on a new Gollum account. (But I’m not here to auto-promote my work 😉 ) Thanks for the interest though. Appreciated.
@Dragonfly_whisper: I can totally follow you on that. The comforting escape route. 5.5 years for you, 8 years for me… It’s puzzling me that, on one hand, we’re able to keep on going for so long because of that value (affecting others), and on the other hand, the easy way out thought keeps showing its nose, even after all this time. Kinda hate it too 😉
It’s not the easy way out, Gollum. That’s crap reasoning espoused by others. In fact, suicide is a damn difficult “out!”