If I went back a year in time i would have certainly made many more drastic decisions that would have prevented me from getting to this point in life, and yet here I am. I have everything to live for, except for the will or enthusiasm. one year ago today i fell into a fugue state that has kept me from feeling anything. I am operating only on my left brain. The analytical side. The smart side. The correct side. And I am finally i am considering its intentions. I am considering that in one year if i am still alive i will only wish that (as I am now) I had ended it earlier, so why get deeper and deeper into the black abyss of life? I should just get out before it gets better for everyone else, because it will only make it harder for them when i swallow my pride along with a bullet. the only thing that kept me alive on my past attempts was poor forethought. i am smarter now, stronger, this time if i try i will not fail, there is no safety net. I am ready.
However i promised myself that if i ever decided to i would give myself two weeks to see if i can’t find anything worth living for. For the next two weeks i will log everything. if i find anything good enough that outweighs the bad i will not do it.
But until then, I am determined that these are my last 14 days alive
1 comment
That’s absolutely genius. Great idea to give yourself a deadline. Nothing gets done without a deadline otherwise we all just mope around wandering aimlessly whining and complaining. Hmm..I should do the same!!