Hey. This is my first post ever. I don’t really know how to put my situation into words so I’ll just type and see what comes out.
I have been battling depression for about 10 years now with several highs and lows. I had my first suicidal thoughts when I was 11. I felt useless and lonely although I had a few friends that I loved and a nice family. But I felt so out of place and like all I did was wrong. I started to hate myself and my self-esteem crumbled. I was able to hide it until I was 17 but then I had a really bad low, started cutting, couldn’t get out of bed, wouldn’t talk anymore and everything was just dark and lonely. I told my parents that I was cutting but they told me to pull myself together and stop trying to get attention with that. I somehow fought through but came out with an eating disorder. That eating disorder followed me around for years. Until my second and still ongoing crisis. This has been going on for a year now. Started on my 20th birthday.
I couldn’t leave the house anymore, started cutting again and did it regularly. Thought about killing myself. I just couldn’t see any reason in what I was doing. The darkness around me was horrible. This forced me to drop out of college and return home. I went into treatment at a clinic and it was a difficult way that was full of obstacles up to reaching the point when I thought that I could overcome this all and rebuild my self-esteem. But I am losing faith. I have been in treatment for 5 months now and today I had a bad relapse. I don’t believe that life gets better. I hate myself. I hate the things that happen in this world and I don’t see a reason to go on fighting. I just want to be locked in a box and thrown in the ocean. So what if it doesn’t get better? If I have to live the rest of my life feeling like this I hope the rest of my life is short. I hate existing like this. And it seems as though all efforts just end in failure and a new low. I don’t even know how to tell my therapist what I feel. I feel like I’m letting him down having a relapse like this. It’s all so pointless…
3 comments
It always makes me sad how people don’t understand how we feel… I guess you have to go through “it” to understand it. Things will always get better just keep trying. P.S- “Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up” Its from Batman… but it always makes me feel better when I screw up(and that’s a lot haha)
Things may not “get better” the way that campaign against bullying says but things undoubtedly change shape. Sometimes it’s nice when we feel like we can take a little part in shaping the future, taking small or big steps towards things we want. That’s something that usually makes things bearable. I mean I know I’m kinda goal oriented in a way, i try to make changes i like and once i start to get sad again i try to find other things and shift again. Life is shitty but it’s also sometimes nice or okish. I wish you well in your journey.
thank you for your words. I just feel like I have been going through this for too long without any success. But it is good to know that there are people out there who understand. That things gradually change shape is probably true. And I guess the change is so slow and minimal that you only notice long after it happened.