So, life has been shit. And apparently, even though I’m working my ass off at my job 5 days a week, short shifts of 6 hours a day, and looking for another job on top of this one, the universe has decided to piss all over me, still.
When will it end?
November 2013: my husband passed away. To this point I was a housewife. Inherited $25,000 of debt.
November-January: Slip $5-6000 more into debt due to final expenses, bills, etc. New debt total: ~$30,000
January 2014: facing homelessness, dad and step mother take me in with multitudes of “conditions”
January-March: Broke beyond belief, being treated like a slave in my dads house by BOTH my dad and step mother.
March: finally get my husbands measly life insurance policy. $61,000. Move out of dads house into an Extended Stay America. (Paying $2000 per month is better than being treated like shit)
April: Find a room to rent for $750 + $80 utilities.
April-August: Spend ridiculous amounts of money fixing up my car, running from my grief, eating out all the time due to lack of a functioning kitchen, plus rent.
August: Break down and try to end it.
September: Move up to Reno, now totally broke, look for work. Get a job lined up with walmart. Find a nice person to rent me a room on condition that I can pay rent in installments as I’ve not actually started working and won’t get my first paycheck until early October.
September 17 – October 8: Scrounge for spare change in the trunk of my car, live off of McD’s $ menu and carnation instant breakfast packets. Lost 10lbs in 2 weeks. Go to work everyday, become bosses favorite (should come with a pay raise).
October 9: First paycheck $355. Fill car with gas $51. Buy better shoes and socks for work $94. Treat myself and my mom to a REAL meal (first in 3 weeks) $40. Buy bathing supplies/toiletries $32. Pay partial cell phone bill $53. This leaves me with just over $80 to work with for 2 weeks.
October 10 (TODAY): Running late for work. Roommate thought I had the day off and was in the shower when I needed to be. Jump in the shower at 7:25. Dressed and rushing out the door at 7:52. Work starts at 8. Walk out to my car. Roomie does the same.
Roomie: “So you got paid yesterday, huh?”
Me: “Yeah, but I only have like $100 left. I had to buy shoes for work and fill up my car.”
Roomie: “Oh, I see, so you bought shoes before anything else.”
Me: “Yeah, I had to for work. I gotta run. See ya.”
Jump in my car and get to work 6 minutes late.
Crazy day at work. Lots of unusual activity.
Gonna clock out 2 hours early to go to HR at the other place I have a job lined up.
Clock out at 1, get in my car, open my email on my phone to get the details about HR stuff and the address.
See an email from my roomie. Odd. Open it.
“Ok so no communication. Promises to pay. Priorities. Looks like we don’t line up so well. Please make new accommodations and consider the last 3 weeks a gift. I do wish you all the best.”
WTF.
Hastily text a reply (we’ve texted and talked on phone before, not sure why he couldn’t just text or call me or talk to me when I got home)
“Did you email me? I’m sorry I couldn’t talk this morning. I was running out the door for work. I didn’t get much on my paycheck, and after shoes, gas and phone bill I have like $80, but it’s totally yours. I was gonna try to catch you this evening and talk about everything. I have to go to […..] right now for the HR paperwork. Anyhow if you still want me to vacate, I’ll respect that and be out ASAP. Sorry we’ve been ships passing in the night lately. I’ve been super busy and you’ve been working and hanging with Bethanne. Anyhow just let me know what you want and I’ll make it work, regardless”
(BethAnne is his older daughter who was “visiting” from a few states over. He hadn’t seen her in a few years and had never met his 2 young granddaughters, one aged 3 years, the other 5 months. Found out a few days ago that BethAnne isn’t going back home and instead is moving here and looking for work.)
No reply to my text, not even acknowledgement that it was received.
Drive to the HR place. Find out “that’s not how this works” and get told that I’m not gonna be able to get anything done today.
Was told in email last Friday: “Welcome to [….], these are the benefits you’ll enjoy while working with us, etc etc. Come into HR and fill out your new hire paperwork. These are the things you’ll need to bring: A, B, C, D… ”
CALLED the woman who sent the email on Wednesday to confirm address and hours of HR office. Informed her that I would be coming in either tomorrow (Thurs) or Friday. She confirmed and thanked me for calling and letting her know.
So, now I’m like why the F did I ask my Assistant Manager at my NEW job for a favor to allow me to clock out 2 hours early from work, just to be told that it was unnecessary and that I can’t do anything today. I used a favor at work, AND lost 2 hours of pay, for nothing.
Get back to my car. Immediately break down and start crying. Freaked out about losing the roof over my head, and possibly NOT having this job I was “welcomed” to.
Get back home after meeting with a friend to vent and try to figure out an action plan for dealing with the roommate. Chat with the older daughter, BethAnne for a bit, feed my cats, change clothes. By the time I was done feeding my cats and changing my clothes, everyone, including my roommate had left the house to go to dinner.
Irked that I didn’t get a chance to talk with him and figure out my fate, I write him a note stating that I can give him as much as $50 tomorrow and the rest with my next check, which will be a full ~60 hour paycheck, or he can ask me to still vacate in which case I’ll be out by Sunday night.
What. Am. I. Doing. Wrong??? What have I done to deserve all this shit these last 11 months??? What MORE can I give to the almighty, fucking asshole of a Universe? I’m at the end of my freaking rope. I’m working my ass off, and would totally be willing to work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week if they’d LET me, but they won’t give me more than 33 hours a week and finding a second job to go along with this one is proving ridiculously difficult. I’ve applied for probably 200 different entry level positions in the last 5 weeks.
Seriously, what MORE can I do?? Short of selling my body. Fuk!
Need advice. Please.
25 comments
It’s fucked EvilKitten. No matter what we do sometimes it just seems that life, ppl, everything is working against us. I don’t have an answer for you 🙁
I paid $600 for a blowjob today, plus I tipped her $60.
You shouldn’t sell your body though unless you’re comfortable doing so. In fact, you can delete this comment if you find it offensive.
We all do what we have to do in order to earn money. Most people struggle doing things they’d rather not do just to earn enough to keep going.
C’est la Vie.
I thought I made it clear that I’m not interested in going into the prostitution trade, lol.
I don’t know what more you can do to get out of this problem, I could be Mr optimistic and say thing can change given time but you’ll shoot me down and rightly so. Sometimes things just don’t want to go the way we want but we somehow persevere and hope, it’s all I can say and I pray it will work out, I know from your posts you’re a nice person and you don’t deserve all of this to happen.
Thank you. I’m just tired of working so hard all the time and just getting stepped on for my effort. It’s like, why do I even bother anymore?
I can’t tell you that I understand. I can’t tell you the magic word to make it better.
What I can tell you is that you are clearly a strong person, perhaps even stronger than you realise. You’re a survivor. You’ve been through hell in the last 11 months but you have survived. You’ve gone through far too much at this point to give up.
You have gotten through challenges in the last year and you will continue to do so. You might not realise how strong you are or your ability to survive adversity, but you have proven you can and will continue to do so.
*hugs* for you
You bother because it’s part of you to keep trying, you moved to get a job, you work hard to keep going and it doesn’t seem fair that all this effort seems to count for nothing when you continually get kicked by life but you’re not giving in without a fight and that’s what I admire.
First things first – hugs to you.
I am facing the real possibility of losing my house and going down the welfare pipeline for the third time in my life after the company I worked for over ten years for was taken over by a narcissistic attention whore that has so much money she doesn’t even need to work – she is just addicted to the attention. But this reply isn’t about me.
As C4 said, don;t sell your body or your dignity. You and I both know you deserve far better than that. But I do have one suggestion. Of course you’ll never see me be smart enough to follow my own advice but I’ve seen this work many time for others – find what can do that would literally delight your heart. Be it scooping stew in a soup kitchen or flying commercial airliners. Find what you would love to do more than anything and pursue it.
Do that first and it will turn your life around. You will succeed – I know you will.
– peace
If it helps (probably won’t) I’m in around $45,000 in debt with interests rates and inflation increasing the figures every year and I’m only 25 years old and without a job.
Hey EK-
I am so sorry for what you have been through, it is so horrible for you to have to deal with this at such a young age.
You are a very well written person – you write so very well, you spell correctly – you are obviously a very intelligent young lady!!
You are also speaking about your health. If your health kept you in the bed for a month, and in addition to your current mental state, you are 100% a candidate for disability benefits. I was, and started receiving mine only this year. IDC what other people think, people are people and opinions are like assholes – everybody’s got one.
Please don’t ever think that you are alone – there are so many of us across the US that feel as you do – life is not worth living, what the f**k is life for, I don’t care anymore, but you know what? You have people who love you – your Mom seems very supportive. I won’t assume anything about step-dad as you have only mentioned him maybe twice in all of your posts.
You are still in the grieving process, I can tell. I lost my first real love to drugs-meth-and to another girl who only led him further down that dark path that ruined his life. He is still alive, if you call it that, living day to day and always looking for a way to get that next bump. My heart still loves him desperately, but my head says stay away, so I do. He is not the same person I fell head over heels in love with. I’ve had relationships since that time that I myself have ruined because I turned to alcohol, and I’m a mean drunk. It doesn’t sound to me like you have done that to yourself, so please don’t!!
I have never cut myself, but I know people that have because they feel that it lets the bad out. You tried, you failed, and I’m so glad. I tried – I drank Clorox! Just like 2 inches in a cup – one of the most stupid ways to hurt myself. It didn’t work either obviously. I felt like I was a horrible person, therefore, I needed to die a horrible death.
You, however, are continually striving to make your life better which is awesome! You are gifted. You can choose your own path in this life. I suggest getting a grant – not a loan – a grant that you never have to pay back that will allow you to go to college and study whatever – you are eligible. Take the basics, and as you do, you will learn more about what degrees are available to you. Writing is one I would suggest. You quoted Edgar Allan Poe, so you know literature. You are SO SMART! Please realize this about yourself.
Please know you are not alone. I grieve for my lost love every day, and it’s been years since I lost him. I am stuck and can’t move on, I’ve tried. But you don’t have to be like that-there is love out there for you once you are ready. Work on YOU right now. Screw that guy that kicked you out – he wanted more, and you wouldn’t give it! You GO girl!!
You are a strong minded individual going through a horrible time right now, so allow yourself the time you need to grieve. Find an attorney who will get you disability that only collects a fee if they get it for you. May take some dr visits on your part, and IDK if you can afford that, but your Mom is there for you. Also, but you are eligible for ObamaCare. Yea, it’s good and it’s bad, but right now, get it. Maybe you don’t need disability. Maybe you will become a famous author!!
I’m rooting for you, and I pray that God will guide you, if you will only allow Him to. I’m working on that too. Hugs from here!! Your life is worth more than you know, especially to those who love you.
You made me cry last night. I couldn’t reply then cuz I was just so exhausted.
Thank you so much for your kindness. You all have really been a great help in these darkest of dark times. Who would have thought that a bunch of depressed, suicidal, kinda crazy people could band together so nicely and do our best to keep others in our community from feeling helpless. It kinda makes me wanna cry again.
Famous author…. hahahaha. You’re certainly not the first person to tell me that, I’m sure that’s not surprising, really. The thing is, though I do write pretty well, the only things I can write about are the things I’ve experienced. (Or in the case of the sexy erotic stories I would write for my husband when he was away, the things I miss having)
My life has been too tragic, my whole life, not just since last November… it would be dang near impossible to put it on paper in a cohesive manner. I’ve no doubt that my life’s story could become a best seller about tragedy and perseverance, I’m just not convinced at this point in time that I could be the author of that tearjerker. It’s just a bit too close to home.
Thank you so much for having faith in me, and in my abilities. You are one of the few bright spots in this world. I do so hope that whatever situation has brought you to this site can improve, and that you find the will and courage to keep fighting the Universe.
I don’t have advice but I wanted to say I admire you for trying so hard. Really hoping things improve.
If you were in Ohio, I could probably hook you up with a decent job. The hours kind of suck and you might get squashed by 600lb metal cylinders falling off skids, but it’s a helluvalot better than Walmart.
funny thing is, i actually love my job at walmart. i love my coworkers, i love my boss, i love my assistant manager. they just arent paying enough or giving me enough hours.
That’s kind of what I’m speaking towards. The place I’m working at just put us on mandatory overtime and they’re hiring tons of new people because they’re falling severely behind in terms of production. The cool thing is, even when we’re not on mandatory overtime, we can work as many hours as we want on our days off, with either three or four days off a week, depending on which shift you’re on. Lucky bastards on 5th shift only have to work 36 hours a week at base, and the company just up and gives them an extra 4 just for the hell of it.
I wouldn’t be strong enough to go through what you have. At least you don’t have a child you have to clothe/feed or anything (at least I haven’t seen you mention a kid).
And as self-proclaimed emissary of the universe, I officially send you an e-hug.
thank you, youre sweet. and no, no kid. thank goodness.
wow, i’m so sorry, sending you an incredible amount of e-hugs.
I recognize the amount of work you’ve put in to survive and I find it quite admirable. it’s sad that we live in a society that exploits people to such disgusting lengths and avaricious people are rewarded for their cruelty. like everyone else said you deserve far better than living like this, my condolences to your husband too, that must be incredibly hard. i enjoy your presence on SP, I really hope you don’t do anything drastic, you are a person worth living. *hugs*
perhaps you could set up a gofundme or whatever they’re called to raise money? I would love to contribute to it, i’m really sorry you’re in this position.
can i have your email? I want to send you money, i don’t have a lot but hopefully enough to get you through the month
Jeebus, guys. You’re all gonna make me cry. A few of you made me cry last night, lol.
Stendarr, my email is wendymargot38 at gmail.com
You’re such a sweetie for even offering to help me.
I hate charity, and I hate borrowing or being gifted money from people, even people I don’t really know. But maybe I will set up a fundraiser thing.
If I could raise enough money to pay off some of my debt, I’d be in a much better place financially, and then I’d be able to help others in similar financial situations. Gotta pay that shyst forward, ya know? (^_^)
Always give more than you take… although… that credo contributed to where I am now, hahaha.
But thank you. You’re so sweet.
If you are desperate for cash, try mechanical turk on amazon. Read an online guide to how it works first (just ask google how to make money with mechanical turk).
Have you looked into bankruptcy to try to get out from under those debts? If the debt is the main hardship maybe you could see if you could find a bankruptcy lawyer to give you a free consultation. Find out how much they might be able to help you and what it would cost you.
Filing for bankruptcy costs money. My mom looked into it a few months ago, and just to do it yourself and file, costs $1500. Plus, I’m not the type to welch on my obligations. I make enough money to barely survive right now, the issue at the moment is that my roommate got pissed off that I bought shoes for work instead of giving him my entire paycheck. He thinks I’m a flake and that I’m abusing his kindness and just taking advantage of him. I heard him talking to his daughter about me last night.
When I first moved in he said that he could work with me and we’d figure out the financials when I got my first paycheck. Well, my first paycheck was just enough to buy work shoes and socks and put gas in my car, buy myself and my mom a cheeseburger and malt at a little diner downtown, buy shampoo and conditioner and face wash, and pay 65% of my cell phone bill.
I didn’t pay my storage unit bills, I didn’t pay anything toward any of the 3 banks I owe money to, and I didn’t buy anything else that I wanted since my check was so small. I wanted to buy a winter coat on dresslily for like $60, but that will have to wait probably another 4 weeks, so I’m screwed if it gets cold here before mid November. I also wanted to actually eat the next 2 weeks, but it looks like I’m gonna stay on my liquid diet of carnation instant breakfast and herbalife protein shakes. Not terrible, but it’s hard to work if you’re not getting that many calories. I’ll probably lose another 10lbs before my next payday. Which would put me at needing to lose only 60 more lbs. Lol! Can’t complain too much. Being broke and working my ass off is helping me reach my goal weight.
Your posts always makes me feel sad EvilKitten, the way you keep struggling on in the face of so much is so positive to me and I’m sure to others here. I hope and believe you will make it if you keep trying because you are strong inside and someone who’ll not give in easily. I hope that your roommate realises that you don’t have the funds yet but you are committed to pay him when you can. Will you be able to increase your hours on the run-up to christmas. I hope things can improve for you.