I’ve been through it all. The medications. The Treatments. The therapy. At some point everything became blank. After I visited my father, who criticized me down to the last bit until I realised, I am nothing. I failed at all my suicide attempts. They said everyone who survived an attempt is always greatful. I wonder, when did it all go wrong. For as long as I remember, I was just…never real. We are all not real. I tried my best to always do what my parents wanted. I just wasn’t smart enough. I tried to be the best. But I’m nothing. My existence is a failure. I wish I could forget the past. I wish I could forget now, and tomorrow. Through all the betrayal and heartbreak I had and have three friends. I am so fortunate, and I pray to the God that everyone prays to for them. But, is God real? Being happiness is a punishment. I’m so fortunate to have someone who loves me. It’s been almost 8 years. How am I going to leave him? A part of me still takes depression and psychosis as nothing serious….but I am surprised everyday at how much this thing…hurts. I can’t cry anymore. I can’t see colours. I used to love music….trained hard and got to Grade 6 in piano and theory. I haven’t touched it in 2 years. I can’t hear music. Nothing is real anymore. I’ve decided it’s time to go. They say why die, you don’t know death. I don’t. Is it worse than this? I’m so proud of my friends. She said,”…. dawg, the grief you would cause me and Mikhail would be so great, that he might not survive it….and I just can’t”. They never let me fall. I see death. Everywhere. They say have hope. There is hope, but not for me. I think….God hates me. Why, am I here and who….am I? Where is here? He says to give him time and he’ll make it better. I hate myself that I worry them. why me? They haven’t realised yet that I am already dead. I tried hard for them. I smiled. I laughed. I was foolish. They said i’m a soldier. No….I am not. I don’t exist. This is the true meaning of isolation.
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Are you aware that there are people who never had a relationship, don’t have a social life, no job, no friends, no family, no one that cares?
How can you feel like you want to waste what you have, if you have so much?
I would sacrifice years of life, just to have a girlfriend abd be trully loved for a month or less.
You have more than i would have in 5 life times of mine. Don’t waste it.
Life’s value is purely subjective, despite any kind of social or romantic or finical luxuries a person might have it doesn’t mean they should feel guilty for being depressed while simultaneously having them. Sorry OP that you’re in a tough spot, I recognize your pain and see the validity in it, keep keeping
And we both have more opportunities than someone living in Syria, or Liberia, or Somalia tbh.. but if you can look at your issues and rationally justify them from a third person perspective, make all your suffering and mental illness just disappear in a puff of rainbow coloured unicorn farts because someone has something you dont have, then you dont have mental health issues or depression. Suffering doesnt work that way, the grass always looks greener on the other side. and those who have everything can still get depressed because they realise they have everything they ever wanted and it didnt change a thing.
LisieJA – I really feel for you. The medications and treatments are all such a lie arent they 🙁 I feel you about the piano I really do. I used to design popular computer games, I would code them and design levels, textures, models, I’d spend every minute I had working on it with a burning passion.. but its all gone. Dont even find it fun to play games anymore. nothing is fun. And if God loved his children, then why would he make us suffer. It makes no sense.
Hi, Lisie.
I know it is tempting to ompare others’ path to your own. In the end, though, what you are feeling is ONLY about you and these moments in your life.
You DO have – I promise – a moment in which to delay your death and in which you may explore your wildest dreams. Just now, you have little to lose. Is there something you could do with this moment?
– DW –
Everyone always says it’s worse elsewhere. But when you are in pain, everyone else doesn’t matter anymore. I guess you need to find hope, even a tiny little something good. I feel like dying all the time, and it’s been like this for years. When I’m at my lowest, I put on a jane austen adaptation to watch. Just makes me forget about my life for some reason. When I was younger I would lose myself for a few hours in a drawing or painting. Doesn’t solve your problems, but gives you a breather.
Well said, tinybird. I would add only this: What others say is irrelevant. THat;s not just a saying. It REALLY doesn’t matter. “THEY” do not face the end of one’s choices; only the chooser faces the full reality of the choice.
I’m certainly not grateful that I survived. My family is grateful, but not me. Just sayin…