I used to believe anything was possible. Straight A’s. Got into a good university fresh from high school.
I always wanted to cure the acne scars on my face. I thought no man would love me with these scars. So I paid for a laser treatment. It did not make things better, it made things worse. Now half of my face is beautiful and untouched and the other, treated half is ruined. I can’t help but think this affects everything people think about me. The bad half of my face makes me looks sloppy, stupid and trollish.
Worse yet, it is all my fault. And so are many things recently. I keep making stupid mistakes, and things keep getting ruined because I was too sloppy to care about some detail that didn’t seem important at the time. When have I become like this. Maybe I am like the bad half of my face. Stupid, sloppy and ugly. It doesn’t seem like anything can get any better anymore now that half of my face is ruined. I kept trying my best for years believing that I could fix everything. Now I see that nothing can be fixed. Everything is ruined.
I have made too many mistakes… and I’ll keep making them. Might as well quit now. I am not supposed to be the person I am now. I have ruined myself, my looks, my persistence and my chances at life.
7 comments
Its easy said for me, cause I am not you, but dont give up. You never know whats coming. Yes Life is painful right now, but who knows, maybe within the next year something great, funny or amazing will be happening. Even if that only last for 10 minutes. But from there, it might changes everything.
Suicide is a mistake that cannot be undone.
No matter how foul you’ve convinced yourself you are, there’s men who love far worse. If those people are deserving of love and companionship what makes you assume you’re unworthy of it?
Regarding the laser treatment, was there anything you failed to do that caused the outcome to be less than anticipated or was it outside of your control that things turned out worse than before the treatment? If it was outside of your control you have to accept that it’s not your fault.
Please don’t think this way, it is too easy to focus on the mistakes you’ve made but to dwell on them has dragged you down. To say everything is ruined, I don’t know, I often feel like this, but I’m sure things can change in life, you’ve had bad luck but it’s no reason to quit even if it’s understandable to feel this way. If you constantly say you’re stupid, sloppy and ugly then you’ll never improve things and you say you’ve been trying to. I just want you to keep trying, there is a future for you.
It looks like you have the same disorder as me.Its called BDD body dismorfic disorder.Do you constantly worry about your appearance?Do you obsess about certain features of your body?
Well, thanks for your comments! Really, much appreciated.
After another bout of crying and screaming today and feeling helpless lying in bed, I thought things over.
Regarding all the mistakes I’ve made, it’s not that I’m stupid for not being able to predict what could go wrong in the world. After all, everything would have worked fine, if only things had worked the way they should have according to my best knowledge.
Of course the world will never do whatever I want it to do. But it doesn’t have to. It is not my fault the world works the way it does. Of course I could’ve prevented a lot of stuff had I known then what I know now… Yes, I could’ve made better choices had I understood the world better. But it’s not like I made those bad things happen to myself… That was the world. I intended all sorts of good things, and got all sorts of bad results instead. I didn’t cause those things to happen, the physical laws did. The laws of the universe.
I do not intend to keep screwing up… What I realised today and what finally made me feel empowered was that I have to keep fighting against the universe. Understand the universe for the unfair cruel piece of shit it is and then punch it right in the fucking face.
As in, understand the universe and then use that knowledge to win at life. And maybe raise the middle finger at the universe for being such a ***** and making life so difficult.