Hollow & Directionless

damn. 19, nearly 20 and I’m still a distant son to my parents. I haven’t seen them in years.

never has it really been any different.
I really don’t want to spout the same generic things that people would expect to hear.
I don’t want to be just another. I hope no one reads this. Its like letting the public know
but hoping they close their eyes, and don’t listen

neglectfulness fills my life.
I was in hopspital 3 years ago, I was a lot worse then.
I was really gone back then…I can’t remember much of it.
But now, although the doctors shone that light in my eyes and
for years they kept checking me,
the ferocious thoughts in my head had left me and they let me go into the world.
I did well. I got through college by myself. Im in university now.
my social group has fallen apart because every has moved away to go uni.
I stayed. foolishly. for a girl. something that never worked out.
I’ve always felt hollow, like every tremble in the world really shook me,
because the vibrations would ripple through my empty body.
I stare at a screens and my hands are moving and face is paying attention,
but my mind has blurred of elsewhere. as if it left me and I’m just a shell.
on auto-pilot. Doctors and therapist have TOLD me all the root of my problems,
which happens to be more than I can handle.
They have GIVEN me tools to stem the collateral damage.
but nothing to FIX it. Nothing to get rid of that skin of heaviness,
every situation the world presensts me with; I want to deal with.
I try to. but it feels like I wrap up, shrink into nothingness. forgotten.
I’m losing my grip on reality.
I’m terrible with girls. I’ve had horrible relationships. and I’m in one now.
Doctors tell me its because my mother was the most prominent and the most horrible character in my life.
it sounded too cliche. I just ran. Why do I have to be a cliche.
it hurt for a reason right?
and now i’m left with this good for nothing personality.
every tiny sense of affection from the opposite sex,
and I fall in love.
She only has to smile enough, and squint those eyes while they spark,
she only has to brush by and touch her skin on mine.
The problem is these girls they create a magnitude of waves in my life.
It’s always one after the other, all with no possible outcome.
I never matter much, or enough, in time.
They’re just a whisper in the wind by the time im breaking down.
and each time I tell myself she’s different.
That she changes everything.
Each time I get broken more
Each time I choose to get back up again.
So it leads me to my current predicament.
Where I spend my day on auto-pilot
and all the emotions spill out at night.
onto a computer, notepad, guitar, cigarettes, alchohol.
Every night where I get to get rid of the day..
I don’t know if any of this makes sense.
but my mind really doesn’t make sense to me anymore.
One day I’ll be free of all of this.
I ache to be free of all of this.
and mostly I hunger to be free of love.
It’s hands are strangling me.

Tilly, I know you’re in love with someone else,
someone who IS and WILL be better at looking after you than me.
but i will always still pick up that flower and tuck it behind your ears.
You will never know how much I panick when you say you want to be alone.
because I can’t bear to think of you crying.
or when I upset you in our Session Style class.
It’s everything Tilly. It’s everything about you that makes me want to burst.
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin, your smile, your knees, your hair,
the way you wrinkle your nose, the bunny rabbit smile.
your arms, your hands, the scars.

I have the memory climb down the balcony.
I put a flower on the back of its dress.
It’s probably best to forget it.
It’s probably best to let go.
I paint it the shade of where the skin and the lip meet,
Only a moment after breaking the kiss. And
I blur out everything else.
That’s how I choose to remember it.