I don’t know how to find the old me

I was the most happy child, I grew up in a little village with my mum, dad and big sister. Perfect.

My dad used to get so angry, he was violent with me and my sister. My mum was scared of him, but she’d always try and stop him. My mum was depressed, living in isolation with 2 small children and a husband always down the pub. My sister has autisum, but back then my mum was told she was just being ‘difficult’. Sometimes mum would get angry, her eyes would go red and pop out her head, her face would change, she’d look so scary. I would get so scared.

I didn’t even realise there was anything wrong with my family, I just excepted it. My sister didn’t cope as well as me, after a beating off my old man I’d bounce back to me, she’d be quiet for days. There wasn’t anyone our age in the village, and only 21 pupils went to the village school, so we didn’t have any close friends.

Secondary school was hell. I found a group to be friends with, but it was all the missfits with no friends forced to befriend eachother, but at least we were left alone. I used to watch the ‘cool’ kids, going to partys, smoking and getting drunk; I longed to do all that but had no one who would do it with me.

My dad had aged a lot my this time, he no longer got violent, so somehow him and my mum had become friends, going out together, my sister would mostly hide away in her room. I wouldn’t say I was depressed then, but I was so lonely.

When I was 14, my sister 16 runaway. Not one word from her, all we knew is she’d gotten addicted to drugs and left to go and party. This left a ton of rumours going round school about her, making my last 2 years there full me being bullied. Which I couldn’t tell my mum, because with my sister gone she’d slid back down into a non taking depression.

I had hope, I was going to leave school and get friends; I was going to be cool, go to parties. I used to day dream about getting a sexy, hench black bf with a nice car. It didn’t matter when I’d had the worst day ever, I would just convince myself it would be better, that school would finish and I would be happy.

And I was, from the moment I left school all my dreams came true, even the black bf! Haha, my name was on everyones lips, I was the biggest party animal, I had more fun, more love and more laughter then most people have in their whole lives. I became the person I wanted to be, I was truly happy and so grateful for it!

All good things come to an end. I had to stop the party life last year (age 21), next time I drink I could die. 1 by 1 my friends lost intrest in me, (not real friends I know) I’m boring now, no more all-nighters, or drunken train trips to london. I just sit in, which means I’m stuck inside with my parents, never a good atmophere. Then 5 months ago I started a new job, on my second day one of my best friends, (who had moved away a couple of years ago) killed himself. This really upset me, what what hurt the most I think is that none of our other friends seemed to really care! My head was a bit messed, so I guess I wasn’t doing my best at work, but I wasn’t bad at it either. Still my boss would go out her way everyday to find something to shout at me for. I HATE being shouted at, it makes me feel about 5 years old with the scared feeling I used to get when my mum was angry. Until that job no one had ever seen me cry, ever. Suddenly I was crying everyday at work, just seeing my boss stare at me would make me have to fight back tears. I quite after 3 months, just couldn’t do it anymore. Mum had always told me if I didn’t have a job she’d kick me out, so I found a new job before I even told her I’d quit. The people there were lovely, but you had to learn how to do the job if that makes sense? No one cared when I did something wrong there, just tried to help. So why did I get myself into such a state? Crying both before and after work, for no reason! Getting so stressed because I didn’t know how to do it straight away! I was always bottom of my class at school, I never even bothered to try and do well, never once did I care then that I wasn’t doing well.

Then 2 weeks ago I got to work, just turned around and walked home, turning my phone off on the way. I don’t even know why I did it! I’ve not been in since, just can’t face it, even though it’s so nice and friendly there. I barely leave the house, deleted facebook, cry for no reason and just have this empty, angry feeling that just won’t go! I don’t eat either, gone from a size 10 to a 6 in just a few months, being this skinny just stresses me out more because I used to love my figure. My mum knows I’m depressed, which is making her depressed again, which makes me feel even worse. I try to put an act on, pretend to me old me, but it’s so tiring! I used to be some mad, crazy hyper chick! Now I sleep most of the day. I just want to go, I’ve a bag packed ready to go and jump on the train to anywhere. Go sleep rough somewhere for a bit until I get sorted, because I’m never going to be happy here. I want to go forever, I’ve planned my funeral and wrote my suicide note. I’m too scared to do either now though, but I know soon I’ll get to the point where I can’t carry on. I won’t care about traveling into the unknown. I’m so scared about being responisible for my loved ones pain, I don’t want to hurt them, but sometimes I feel so low I just stop caring about them, stop caring about anything.

I don’t even care if anyone reads this, it’s very long and I cba to even check it makes sense. I just wanted to get my story out.