Hello. My name is Bill and I’m 45 y/o.
This is the first time I have spoken to anyone about this, but I feel compelled to right now.
My life began falling apart about 7 yrs ago, and has continued to worsen to the point where I feel the end is near.
I had it all. Married. Great job and career. House. Cars, financially stable and moving up and forward. No kids though. Wife couldnt have kids. Then, in the course of a few weeks I lost everything. Lost my job. Two weeks later, wife left me unannounced. Saw neither coming. Lost everything in divorce. Everything. Worst divorce anyone has ever heard of, including my attorney. Was able to keep house, but because of real estate collapse couldnt sell it and went into foreclosure. Found another job, but making far less and had to move to a location where I had no friends or family. Career was hobbled and still had to pay more alimony than I could afford. Lost retirement. Could save very little. Laid off due to economy 2 yrs ago. Had to come home and move in with my mom. Had a little money. After 2 yrs, I still cant get a job. No one will hire a 45 y/o who had 3 jobs losses and now unemployed for 2 yrs. My career is over. I am alone, as no woman wants anything to do with a 45 year old unemployed man with no money and lives with his mother. No one. I have no friends and nothing to do and no where to go. It’s been two yrs like this (7 over all) and my situation keeps getting worse. I’m out of funds. My depression is worsening by the day. I’ve had suicidal thoughts for some time, but in the past several months they have changed. Before they were just thoughts. Now they feel more like plans. More detailed. I have a complete plan now and go over it in my head everyday. Change and refine it a little now and again. I also now feel very confidant it will happen. That I will follow through with it and that I have very little time left. Weeks. I don’t see my situation getting better. I used to think things would someday turn around for me and I would get my life back on track and be happy again. I now have lost all hope. I realize now it is not get better. I’ve lost everything in my life and I no longer see how I can salvage a normal life and be happy. I’m 45 y/o and have nothing. No job. No career (and there is a difference), no family, no relationship, no friends, no money, no house or home, no retirement. I have lost every measure of a successful and happy life. With no hope of salvaging one. I wake up every morning in a terrified panic. And go sleep the same way every night. I’m terrified of my situation and future every day. My life has become a living nightmare. The thoughts of suicide used to frighten me. They no longer do. I am now frightened of my situation being the same or worse a year from now. I am not afraid of killing myself any more though. That’s how I know I’m getting close. It no longer frightens me. Living now frightens me.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
5 comments
hello, billw.i’m sorry about the things that happened to you.i do understand the feeling of being caught off guard.one moment you’re on the straight path, living life the way people expect you to then suddenly it’s all taken away from you.and now you’re lost.and you desperately want to get your life back together again but there’s just no way.most people on here feel that way, too.i only hope that you being able to share that here has helped you lighten your heavy load even a little.it’s really difficult finding a way to become unstuck in life.i am currently stuck too.been unemployed for almost a year, also have no idea how to fix my life.that’s why i go here to listen to other people’s feelings and share my own, helps me to hold on just a bit longer.i have no concrete advice to impart since i am experiencing something similar but i would like you to know that you are not alone in the struggle and that i wish you well.good luck to us.
Billw. Your story is sad, very sad, but you’re not alone. I was laid off 6 years ago. I was diligent in keeping records of every job I applied to so I could show them to receive unemployment benefits. In a 3 years span I applied to over 3,000 jobs. That’s Three Thousand before I stopped keeping track. I applied to anything and everything. Starbucks, Walmart, KMart, and in my trade I spent 40 years. I don’t consider myself stupid. I was earning top money in the printing trade. I owned my own printing company and then Yoga studio..house, cars..all of that crap.
One night I found myself on a bridge trying to jump over the suicide barrier at 2am. On the bridge was a sign that said, “Desperate? Call Samaritans Suicide Hotline.” I eventually made it off the bridge in one piece and looked into volunteering for Samaritans. I took calls on the hotline for 6 months. Took calls from Teens, women, girls and to old guys like me. At least twice a week I’d get a call from some guy with your exact story. Had it all…lost it all…now wants to die.
I’m blabbering on here. Sorry. Two things I did that helped me. I volunteered for Samaritans. I found Zen meditation, which points us away from worrying about all this material junk we cling to. It’s not so important. Call Samaritans 877-870-4673 Sorry I got all wordy here. Hang in..there is light.
Very interesting story
Your story sounds just like mine only Im 42 not 45.
But I know what your talking about. I used to have a job, career, great group of friends, woman in my life but we were not married. then the economy hit and along with it I had big medicl problems hit and I lost my condo. Used up all my savings. I had to come stay with my mom a year ago because I got into car accident and broke my neck in 2 places and was in a brace and I still cant drive a car yet one year later. I live on a very limited income and women dont stay with me because of that. I get loneley. Discouraged and wonder what is the point of going on. Seeing that my future looks like its gonna just be more of the same Lonley, just getting buy and pain. I understand.
I dont know what your profession is. But have you tried t find jobs that might be new to you?
have you thought of starting your own buisness or relocating to find work?
Just some thoughs. Well I hope you get help and that things turn around for you
I hope you find happiness and peace one way or the other.
Life is not always easy
Bill, I can totally relate to your point about being over 40 in the job market and being seen as valueless. I’ve been trying for years. Frankly, this whole new society (USA, at least) is so youth driven and shallow beyond belief (Kardashians, anyone). Even worse for me, and deliciously ironic, is that I personally relate best to 20-30 year olds. I’m expected to be a grown up, but ewwwww. *grin*
Sure wish that you’d stick around to figure out how we “olds” start from scratch at the last half of life…because I want you to tell me the secret when you do.