My life always turns to shit….

I always wanted to kill myself ever since my dad got lung cancer and passed when I was 10. But the thoughts of suicide got worse when I started to get bullied in school at 11. Every year it got worse and worse. I started to cut myself and snap rubber bands on my wrist till they bled. I never felt good enough for anybody. I always felt out of place. I’m twenty now and working. But I began to get bullied there too for being skinny. Its not just the bullying that bothers me, its being single and lonely. I’ve been used and played by guys all my life. The feeling of suicide went away for awhile because I found an amazing bf or so I thought. But now its back because I haven’t heard from him in a week. I’ve waiting by my phone like a zombie or cry my eyes out. I just stay in my bed on my days off of work and just take pills to stay numb. I’m too weak and depressed to try anymore. Every time I try go succeed in life, I end up failing.