Pardon me while I burst into flames

I wish I could literally just explode sometimes. People suck truly, we are stupid, naive, selfish beings. And there are people in this world that are aware they are like that and they are perfectly ok with it. I keep having dreams of my ex just these terrible dreams and I wake up feeling the pain from those dreams. There’s things that remind me of us, of him and it makes me angry and hurts me inside. I want so badly to be ok, im tired of the pain of feeling like death would be better than life. I don’t want the bad people in life to win, I don’t want them to see me fail and fall apart. That’s all I ever did! I would fall apart and find comfort in suicide, I tried ODing multiple times got right the the edge but it never worked. I remember taking so many pain pills and sleeping pills that I couldn’t tell if I was breathing and I couldn’t feel my own heart beat. And not to mention all those times I took a blade and sliced away at the bottom side of my forearm and ankles. Because I was being weak and letting the evil in my life win, letting those horrible people watch me hurt and squirm and cause myself more pain. Those people are gone now for the most part and I won’t allow myself to fall apart again, that has to mean that I love myself at least a little right? I imagine that inside I’m crying about to fall down on my knees and then another version of me grabbing my arms and lifting me up telling me to stop. Just constantly encouraging me to let go of the pain and embrace the joy in life. She’s been catching me for such a long time and she hasn’t ever given up, she turns my negatives into positives. I love her as much as I can right now.