Dear she who will not be named
I never asked you to be a part of my life. You shouldn’t have ever said hello or looked my way. That day on the subway when for some reason or another you asked me to watch your shit while you paid, you should have just thanked me and been on your way. There was no reason to start a conversation, to ask me about my day or any of it. You were just a stranger and it’s funny that after everything that happened that’s all you are once more. A stranger. Somebody that I thought I knew, that I thought I could trust. Despite everything you said, everything you did, I still don’t hate you. I can’t. I’m just done with you. I wasted a year of my life, thinking that oh you’re different, you’re not like the others. I was right, you aren’t….you’re much worse. So you wanted to be out of my life, then stay out because I’m not letting you back in. Not now, not ever. The only question is, So…what now?
signed-
Nobody Important.
(I don’t know… I had to get some stuff out so figured I’d write them here where no one will ever know.)
5 comments
So what now?
That reminds me of Pulp Fiction. When Bruce Willis and Ving Rhames are in the pawn shop dungeon. Ving just got raped by Zed, Bruce kills the other pawn shop guy with a sword, then Ving grabs a shotgun and promises to make the rest of Zed’s short life excruciatingly painful.
Bruce says to Ving “what now”?
Life is unscripted. We’re all making it up as we go along. Weird, unexpected shit happens occasionally. Just gotta roll with it.
Hahah, unlike the movie which was very scripted. You are right though, though it shouldn’t have been unexpected. Really what other way did I see everything going in? It’s just that moment when you can’t believe you were THAT blind and after picturing something for so long…to have it just go poof. That’s what really bugs me the most.
Look I have to agree with you open_up_your_senses. It’s never good when your life is worse off because you met someone. I’ve had so many like that it’s ridiculous and none of them can see that it was THEM that caused the chaos and it was THEM that were trashing me not the other way around…I did good deeds but really I so regret having anything to do with them given the results that always ensued. I always thought they’d be different but none of them were. Even my dying mother cried at the putrid treatment I received from rotten people. I now believe that if your life is worse off because you met someone then there’s a very very good chance that you’ve been with an abuser. Sure sometimes we meet people and we break up and that’s ok but really the shit thrown my way is only indicative of abusers at work…and it’s soul destroying. As for what now? For me I hope never to repeat the very poor relations I’ve had in the past.
I don’t think I could have came up with a better term than “soul destroying”. Heart breaking doesn’t even feel remotely close. She was always building me back up even when I thought I’ve broken down beyond repair. Maybe that’s why I had to keep fooling myself into thinking she was different. Then the outcome of it all, it just…isn’t fair I guess. Nice guys, or well nice people just tend to finish last. At least that’s what it seems like. I’m so sorry you went through all that. I’ve often heard that the past repeats itself if you don’t learn from it. As long as you’ve taken something from your past attempts then I think you’ll be just fine.
Cheers, I’m extremely reticent to let anyone into my life…it hasn’t been worth it. In fact my Dad said after the last nightmare relationship I had “was it worth it?”. No Dad it wasn’t. I’d never do to them what they did to me. It’s just not in my lexicon.