I’m turning 26 next Friday. My life is an absolute mess, I dont even know where to start. I’ve had thoughts about suicide for about 10 years now.
I’m overweight (240lbs/5’10”), not handsome at all, never had a girlfriend. My friends keep on telling me that I’m such a nice guy, but what does that help with anything. I also have social anxiety disorder, which I try to ignore most of the time.
I tried to turn my life around once when I was 16, just thinking that I might find some kind of goal. I went from 255 lbs to 199 lbs in the span of a year, things were not going too bad. Life gave me lemons in return when I lost the two grandparents within 3 days I spent most of my childhood with. Lost all motivation, stopped working out, ate unhealthy again, got held back a year in school. I eventually finished school, but after that I failed at pretty much everything I tried (too many things to list). Now my father is sick and supposed to die soon, the rest of my family is either dead or on antidepressants. I just want to get away from all this misery and my incapability, the only things that bring me any relief nowadays are my passion for music and getting drunk until I blackout. I can’t stand living without a partner and purpose anymore.
I will try to enjoy my birthday next Friday and hope I figure something out until then. If I can’t, that’s it for me.
Thanks for reading, in case you made it till the end. Sorry for my English, I’m not a native speaker.
7 comments
Most of my familly are dead too, unfortunately only the bad ones are alive.
Haha, tell me about failure..
Nice people are always the ones that are alone. I like to think that we’re so good that it intimidates others 😛 people right for you will stay, those who aren’t shouldn’t be forced to stay.
At least you have a passion, a way of escaping. Many of us don’t. Take care of your liver btw.
Sorry to say this but life has no meaning or purpose, life just is. You can fill your time with whatever you want, it won’t matter soon anyway. But I understand the need to go through life with a partner. I used to long for a connection too, desperately for a long time. But these days I’m so indifferent towards my existence that being alone doesn’t bother me, it’s just how things are right now. I accepted that.
As to your weight, who cares? I thought I would be more desired if I lost weight, and now that I’ve lost it guess what? Nothing changed. It’s all about how you present yourself, not the way you look. I look like a miserable self-hating twat, no wonder I’m single. How do you present yourself?
Sorry to hear about your family…
My liver is doing okay. It’s not like I drink everyday, maybe once or twice a week. And I never drink alone, “have some friends around or don’t drink at all”, thats my rule.
Maybe I should rephrase what I wanted to say with “looking for purpose in life”… it’s more like “a reason not to die”, or “something I would die for”, if that makes any sense to you. But I guess that’s the reason why all of us are here…
How I present myself? I have problems keeping eye contact in conversation. sometimes I just space out and stare like a dead fish into empty space for I don’t know how long, not thinking about anything, until one of my friends tells me to snap out of it or something along those lines. Self-hating? check, and I probably look the part too.
When I drink alcohol I’m the complete opposite. Cheerful, talkative… you know how it is, everything bad just seems to vanish. But that’s just temporary and not a solution.
The liver thing was a joke, I guess I’m not that funny. I prefer to drink alone, it makes me happy to be in my own company if that makes sense. If I drink with people I become too aware of them sometimes, I notice things I wouldn’t if I was sober. It’s important to note that I’m very observant in general so when I’m drunk it can make start hate people I previously had no problem with.
Yeah, I see what you mean. So passion for music isn’t enough? Do you make your own music?
I do that too when I’m not interested in the conversation. I’m just bad at pretending that I care. But I guess that scares people off too. We’re hating ourselves but to people from the outside it looks as if we’re about to go on a killing spree (my ex friend actually told me that when I’m down I have the facial expression of a serial killer). It’s hard to smile if one has no energy or reason to do it.
I’m overweight too, it certainly is not how you present yourself and all of that women are mad superficial and will never give you the time of day. But if you lose weight then your problem will be how much money you make so unless you make money you won’t be rolling in *****. Basically, it’s not worth pursuing women if you’re from a western country because women are superficial.
Someone’s butthurt..
It’s not about how good looking you are or how much you weigh. It’s about effort. If you look like you put effort into making yourself presentable, then there will be reciprocation from the ladies. Yes, it is about money also; but don’t get it twisted.
Think logistics for a second. What are you going to do with a woman? Sit around and play video games with her? Watch tv? she can do that by herself. Women like to have fun, to do things they wouldn’t normally do. Be seen places thier not usually seen.
Make that happen for them. They will make it happen for you.
yeah, well… it’s not like I haven’t tried to make myself “presentable” and go out to meet women.
I obviously haven’t had any success. I know a relationship is based on more than just looks and money, no need to tell me that. But still, they are part of it. Try living with minimum wage, in a one room apartment while mentally unstable. It’s not so easy to put in a lot of effort when you are at your limit. A part of me thinks that I shouldn’t be in a closer relationship with anyone, I know what it can be like to be around someone who has mental disorders.
Videogames and watching tv are just ways to keep my brain busy. I don’t mind doing other activities with someone else, but this works best at the moment. And yes, I know I should do other stuff.
I wrote the original post when my emotions went haywire. I feel a bit better at the moment, this happens every now and then. I appreciate you trying to help me.