This question has been really eating at me for many years now. I can remember myself way younger in 3rd grade asking myself the very question. I don’t talk about my thoughts or feelings to anyone, I have tried and been met with many different counter perspectives, but never one that actually saw what I see. I have had all the conversations already and know exactly how those around me feel, so I tend to keep my mouth shut as I don’t want to talk about it again and again.
But this morning I asked my dad what his purpose for living is. I’ve been thinking about asking him for a while now but never got the time alone or balls enough to say. I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut…I had to drive to the store for cigarettes and he came with. After driving a while I explained my hesitance about asking him a question I’ve been thinking about but hadn’t really decided how to ask, and he said a work in progress, I said yes (thinking he was being at the least a little enthused for the question by his tone during the ride, went right ahead..) and asked, what is your purpose for living, your reason for waking up every day? He took a minute then confirmed what I already knew and actually feared. He said his reason for living was my little brother and I.
Now this is horrible for me. I want so bad to have erased that conversation. I already assumed as much, but knowing it from his mouth, his words. For me to be the purpose of someone’s existence means that I cannot leave without taking away (half at least, 2 brothers) of his foundation. And on top of that I hate this reasoning for existence. It seems to me every where I look this is used most often and is one of the only meanings that has a solid grounding, to have to exist to take care of your child. It seems so basic and primal, to live to reproduce.
Now if you don’t have a child you make reasons. When I had a job I felt important, (when I absorbed myself into the moment and did not let ‘dark’ thoughts come to be) but that reason is flawed. Unless your job is directly progressing human technology or helping others, like a surgeon, or studying diseases or something….(as I am writing this I am finding that those things only really matter if you happen to care what happens to the human race….) your job does not matter and you are probably indirectly hurting someone else down the chain. When we are young and naive we make reasons like we have to go to school and learn and you actually have that ambition and the thoughts that anything is possible. But the moment your dreams are crushed by reality you become another sheep in the herd. I kinda lost where I was going with that…it doesn’t matter anyway…
Point is, I cannot see a reason for existing that actually matters whether or not you physically/mentally/emotionally put a meaning behind it yourself. Do you see what I am trying to say? I would love anyone’s thoughts or opinions, though I will be brutally honest in my replies. So what is your reason for existing? Why do you get out of bed everyday?
7 comments
I do not have a reason to exist. I cannot end my existence myself because I am (part of) the reason to exist for someone else. I do not necessarily want to die. I simply do not put as much value on my life as you do. Every life has intrinsic value, you just need the ambition. I don’t have ambition any more. It’s so much easier not to care.
Because you can live forever is not a reason to live..forever
i don’t have a purpose, too.i’m lost and that’s why i also want to end it…
i guess the only reason i’m holding on is my sister.i’m lucky to have her.we’re extremely close and have the same thoughts and attitudes about life and death, in general.we talk about a lot of things and understand each other.yes, we also have rows, spats etc.but they seldom happen, and we eventually find ways around that type of stuff.we also enjoy escaping reality through games and movies.and food!hehe.
anyway, i’m holding on because i want to maximize the time i have alive by spending it with her.i strongly believe in reincarnation, i want it to be real sooo bad.me and my sister sometimes plan to die together and talk about what we want our lives to be when we get reincarnated.but i think twice about suicide because i’m scared that reincarnation won’t happen or if it does happen i won’t be sisters with my sister anymore.i might not get to meet here at all.that frightens and saddens me.
and so even now when i want to end it, i hesitate because i want to make the most of this life (even if it is shitty) because i’ll miss my sister so much once it’s over…i guess, at this point of my life at least, that’s the reason i wake up at all.
*her
Purpose is self fabricated as you’ve said and is mostly influenced by desires and passions, if you lack them then you will not have a purpose. Purpose isn’t actually that hard to conceive, you focus on your interests and elaborate on them, if you don’t have any interests or desires, well then you won’t have any purpose. If you want purpose you have to make an effort to find something that interests you, to be honest, if nothing interests you it’s because you don’t want anything to interest you. It’s human nature to be drawn to certain things and if you reject those things, even subconsciously then of course you’re not going to have any purpose in life and you’ve brought that on yourself. Become aware of yourself, do some soul-searching and self examination and reflection, then you might find what you’re looking for
I have always found meaning from moments that have some sort of sensation of serenity or euphoria. You know, like those feelings you get from lying on grass just looking at the clouds pass by . They are what I live for. ;P
Like Stendarr said, you need to find something that interests you. There is no objective or obvious way to do this, but search and try different things, and hopefully you will find something that you like.
Truthfully … I’m not really sure. I used to be severely depressed and later suicidal (and I suppose I still am depressed to a degree) until revealing that to everyone in my life made things a little easier in some way.
I’m close with my sister and my niece and I have some interests, but if I were to die tomorrow, it would matter much, I don’t think – at least not long-term. I’m not miserable anymore – but I’m not happy, either. I’m trying to change that, but I’m not sure how well it’s going. I still hold out hope that things will improve as long as I keep trying.
L4Y