With a new year approaching I can never help but to ponder. Ponder the years gone by and the year to come. I’ve gotta admit for the most part looking back I feel three emotions above all others. Pride, embarrassment and sadness. Pride at coming this far, despite picking out a go date, more than once, despite getting hold of method after method, most painless and most sure fire. Despite every descision I took that screwed my life up I somehow stayed with it. I’m gonna be proud about that if ye don’t mind. And embarrassed at the way I usto be, way back when. When I first came to grips with both alcohol and true, unrelenting suicidal ideation. A bad time for either alcohol or suicidal ideation to effect me, let alone both at the same time. Sufice to say id give anything to go back in time and knock the crap out of myself.
I look back and see someone who was lost, hurt and angry and I don’t recognise that stranger anymore. I feel my life only started recently. That up untill now I was not living. I ghosted through life, barely more than a spectre. Never participateing in anything so focused on surviving I forgot to live. It saddens me that I missed so much. I wasn’t alive but my life didn’t wait for me, it kept going and when I finally start to live so much is already gone. Looking back may make me proud of all I did to get here, embarrassed at the way I was but it also makes me sad I didn’t live.
I look forward. And it’s funny, not much has improved in my life, bar my mental state, still single, currently jobless and pretty soon I won’t see my friends for months on end. Yet I’ve never been happier cause I’d rather live with no job, live single and live with limited friendship than merely survive. No matter what the year ahead has coming, I know I’m going to be happy because I’m living through it. I’m not merely going to exsist through the year ahead like a ghost I’m gonna live my way through it. What comes my way will come my way, what dosnt come won’t come but I don’t care because I’ll be living, and that’s more than I’ve ever done.
stay awesome.
10 comments
Congrats on moving forward – thanks for sharing 🙂
Hey bud, ya it’s tough living with so many regrets that altered our lives the way it did.. i am 31.. yet I have ruined my entire life and don’t see a bright future.. youd think as you get older you get wiser and make better descions.. but I only got worse.. Weed was my kryptonite all these years.. too stupid to quit.. shit got too out of hand.. how old are you?
Thank you for sharing.. And glad to hear your living now. Please be proud for trying to help us along the way.. you are awesome! And re the lost years.. I always think that I couldn’t be who am I today without loosing them. And despite the pain and the desperation at times.. I’ve learnt true empathy and knowldge that people often act how they do, good and bad because of beliefs and feelings, knowing that takes away some of the malice for me, and I’m glad I have that. Whatever I decide and life brings I’m glad I have empathy more than anything..
@l4y Cheers mate
@krazykaze007 I would like to tell you it’s never too late to change this mistakes but the best we can do is learn from them and make better decisions in the future. The part of the post I made that I was hoping people would focus on was about living, about not letting life go by because they are too buissy merely surviving. No matter where we are in life right now we can always start to live better. I’m in my twenties
@lh lol I try to help because it is in my nature to attempt to do so. All I do is listen and give advice those who choose to do something with that advice are the ones who should be proud because they are awesome too! :p
Prehaps you are right but I’d still prefer to have dorm something during the formative years of my life, call me greedy lol. I’m glad ur seeing that. The fact people’s actions are only a reflection of them and not you. Empathy is something everyone should have, the world would be a better place.
I so so wish everyone had empathy, empathy and honesty.
wow, great post. Thanks for these uplifting words. This kind of thing is what this site needs more of.
May I ask what helped changed your attitude to living instead of merely surviving?
@Ih Im not too sure about the honesty part, the bare truth is alot more than most people can handle, people rarely want the truth, they merely want your oppinion to mach their own and believe it to be truth.
@three.moons Well this kind of thinking is why i have returned, with the hope of one day speading it to as many as will listen
Its hard to say. the first thing that had to change was my suicidal outlook, That was the main thing in the way of living instead of just surviving. To attepmt to live (what live means in this context is more than survival) You have to want to live, to do that while being suicidal strikes me as particullarly hard. I guess the answer to the question then becomes the same as to how I got a grip on depression. It had alot to do with this place, I had the support of some of the wisest and most compasionate users to ever visit this place, Through our conversations down the four or five years I was a member things just stuck in my head, untill like a jig saw the finall piece slotted into place and i had an ephipahny, about my life, about everyone in it. I tried to write it out on here but could barely cover half of it, It was like my mind broke and shattered but reforemed… bettter, if that makes any sence. That, for me was when fighting suicidal ideation went from something i did because i was scared to die, to something i did because i wanted to live. I hope that answers your question
yes, thanks for that.
I think that being honest with feelings is important (although I struggle, trying to be honest here :S) I wonder if everyone didn’t put on front if there would be less pressure to always be strong and cope etc. I’m not sure.. I’ll have to think!! But thank you for your reply, like 3.moons that gives me a lot of hope. I’m so glad your living, even just for me I feel very warmly towards you and like your posts!!
@three.moons Any time, I can dig up a link to the post i mentioned above if you want?
@Ih Prehaps honesty with feelings is important, but (and exscuse me if i appear sexsist) for a guy, that is not something fully socially accepted. There would be less pressure but i wonder would it just make it easier for the “strong” to prey on the “weak”?
Hope is something that is in abundance, you merely have to look in the right places 😉 I feel very warmly twards you too 🙂 I shall atempt to right more of them so! :p