Here I lay at 3am still trying to fall asleep.
The thoughts of suicide keep flooding into my mind. Prying at the walls of my skull. Screaming in my ears and telling me to kill myself. Though, I’ve tried it a few times. But my world never seemed to end.
Drink bleach; I’m rushed to the hospital.
Overdose; my body refused.
Climb to the top of a building; I’m afraid of heights.
People tell me that God put me here for a reason. But prove to me that this God exists and that he put me here for a reason. I am suffering in this madness. If this God supposedly loves all his children why am I dying on the inside? I feel no love. God does not exist in my mind.
My father suffered from depression and here I am following in his footsteps. Depression is like an evil spirit. It wants to consume your body, take over you. But no matter how hard you try and fight it, you will loose the battle and become its puppet.
I’m thrown in a mental facility after my mother finds me crying at the library at 5 in the morning because I was going to take my life by jumping off the 4th floor of the parking garage.
That place was a shit hole, let me tell you.
You may ask, “Well weren’t they supposed to help you get better?” and I will say, “Yes, but you see am still sitting here with these thoughts running through my mind.”
That facility didn’t give one fuck. They gave you pills, decided for you if you were better and sent you packing.
Now, cutting. You probably knew this was coming in somewhere. It was just the superficial shit but it still caused pain so whatever. I got relief out of cutting. It felt amazing. Like all of your worries had been set free.
Now, realise I used past tense. I’ve been clean of cutting for about a month now and I don’t plan to do it again. I hate having to hide the scars. And if I survive my teenage years, what will my kids think of the marks that line my arms, stomach and thighs.
My mother treats me like shit now so I just sit alone in my closet and sulk.
And while I sit in that closet, the whole time I’m thinking, “Will it ever end?”
3 comments
I understand what you’re going through. I’m in the same boat. Every day I can’t help but think will it ever end. Yet somehow I keep managing to plow on. How? I don’t even know. But I want you to know you’re not alone, and if you need someone to talk to, I am here.
Talking about God though. I believe God exists. I can’t tell you to believe in him, but I do believe he put you here for a reason. I think God and the fact that I know I have people that care about me (which makes me feel guilty when I want to commit suicide and how much I’m going to hurt them) are the only things that have kept me alive so far. I also wonder to myself a lot, if God loves me, why is he putting me through this? And then I realized, if I never went through all this pain, I may have become an apathetic jerk. All those people that laugh at others that cut, that may have been me because I couldn’t understand. Depression may have seemed like an issue that wasn’t even worth considering. I wouldn’t understand because I never dealt with it. But I think going through all this pain helped me become who I am today, even if there are so many times I wish it would end. And I think to myself, because I know how bad it is, because I understand the pain, maybe, just maybe, I can help others out there who are like me, because I don’t think anyone deserves to feel this way. Because as much as I hate depression, I’m a bit glad I have it because it allows me to understand others, and maybe even help them. I don’t know, that’s just my opinion. And I may be some random stranger, but I love you and hope you stay strong. Think of all the amazing things you could do in the future. Maybe even make a bucket list, so that whenever you feel like committing suicide, you instead do something on there. 🙂
Thank you. That helped a lot actually <3
You’re welcome, I’m glad I could be of help. And I just realized you commented on my post as well. Thank you as well again because I was able to smile <3