Do we get over it ? If yes, how ?

Hi, i’m back here. Again. I was watching TV and I saw somebody who made me feel bad. It made me think about a person I used to know, somebody I stopped seeing. A “friend”. Yeah, you know those friends you hang out with because you’re too young and too insecure to think by yourself and to trust yourself. This person who hangs out with you because you’re enough hopeless and in a shitty state that you make her/him feel better about her/his own person. To be clear, I do not miss that person at all. She’s a complete wreck with all the pride only stupid uneducated ignorant selfish people can have. No, what I felt bad about, at first, was the very fact that in some part of my history, my development, hanging out with such people was extremely important to me. Not that I really liked them, in the sense that I did like everybody, that is to say there were nobody I disliked, that is to say I didn’t really like them. I just liked the fact they pretended to be my friends, I could pretend I had friends (without having an objective look at them), I could pretend I was not just a useless, ugly, awkward person. But yes, I was.

That’s a first point which led me to the other. Back in my late teen age, I made mistakes and behaved quite badly with some people. I do regret it so much… It keeps coming back to my mind, again and again. I would like them to forget what I did, I would like me to forget what I did. I am so ashamed. It is like an indelible stain… I feel so bad, and I am so ashamed. And there’s no way of getting rid of that guilt, of getting rid of that shame.

Are there any older people (I’m 22) ? More experienced people ? Have you ever felt like that ? Is there any exit ? Is there a way of freeing ourselves from that feeling ? That very same feeling that keeps telling you ‘you’re a worthless aggressive piece of shit, who hurts people, who’ll never be liked or appreciated, it cannot be possible, because you’re nothing else than a worthless piece of shit”. It hurts! Now, wherever I go, whoever I meet, I always feel like people will not like me, will think miserable things about me. And it hurts me. Even though I make good studies now, I proved myself on several stuffs, I had a few successes, I’ve been living a wonderful and trust-worthy relationship with a man for almost 3 years now, but still… this horrible smell of me rotting inside, because I can’t get rid of all that. I can’t stand that smell anymore.

Is there any solution ? Will there be an end ? Am I condemned to this, forever ? Will this rotting smell ever leave me ? And what’s worst in this situation is that I can’t know whether I’m just misinterpreting things or whether I’m right… Is there any way out?

Thanks for reading. Double thanks for answering