I’m not feeling very strong today. I want to say so much but who cares enough to listen? And what does it matter anyway? I don’t know how to give my feelings any value anymore. I’m going to try this to see if it helps but in my mind I think I have already made the decision to end my life. There is just too much hatred and shame and I’m tired of all the wanting I have. To many needs never able to be satisfied. This is going to take time to write out so I will start with something short. This.
Maybe this will help me give value to the things I have to say and the things I feel.
I tried writing to tell a story but the only story I could tell was the one about my own past and its not one I can say because it’s not hopeful. It made me realize that I don’t have much to give to the world. I’m angry and bitter and I hate so much. Why can’t I use my art to express that? Because it’s not good? Because it has no value? If it has no value and its all that I am than what does that say about me?
Why should this matter? I’m dirt poor and a fucking burden to my family that made me this way. I have forgiven them enough to realize that my existence isn’t something they have to put up with. I have to change something. That’s where it starts. I get motivated to change for other people because I least I won’t be a burden and maybe I could enjoy something about it. I think I lie to myself to avoid killing myself. I can’t change. There is nothing to change. I’m just accustom to being broken because anything of substance that I had in me is gone. I’m not going to try and justify why I feel this way. I’ve already said it to others and to myself and they still try to convince me that there is hope. No there isn’t. I’m 23 and have spent a majority of my youth being beat down. I had a talent and beauty and they took it away from me because it benefited them to do so. Now I’m broken and dependent and they want to blame me when they conditioned me to be this way? But it’s going to take years to attempt to recover and I don’t believe the system will support me. What I have lost is my soul. And that might sound dramatic to most people but it’s true. I lost my identity and the life I was suppose to have. I don’t believe anything happens for a divine reason, and I’m not going to give myself some reason for why I should continue to be here. I can’t ignore my pain, so maybe I can try and give it value through expression. Get comfortable voicing it. Right now my anger is my character and it makes me so violent in my hatred of myself and others. My art can make me money because it is the expression of things people want to ignore. But I have to get them out even if it is just here and even if it’s only this one time. I don’t want to control it but exhaust it even if it hurts or offends other people. I don’t care to be PC or considerate at the moment, and yet I hesitate to put this out there because I don’t want to do harm to others. But others don’t matter, only I do in this moment of life and death. I say all these things and still I don’t agree with them because it’s not the person I want to be forever but I have to accept this as a phase that I need to get through in order to move on. Will I succeed doing it this way? Maybe. Maybe not. But I think I have to learn to accept the worst parts of me and give them value through expression. This doesn’t benefit other people and frankly I don’t give a shit. God it feels good to say that. I claim my anger and all the darkest parts of me and vow to express every vile trait through art if only to buy myself more time till something better comes along. Maybe I’ll be able to do something positive for others but not today and not until I can feel good about myself. I feel better already.
1 comment
What kind of art do you do? In any case, expressing the negativity through art might just be the best thing you can possibly do for yourself. And we all have negativity, by the way, so try not to beat yourself up about that, and you definitely shouldn’t censor or sanitize your art out of concern for offending others. Express yourself however you need to, and don’t hold back. If something does seem particularly vile to you, you can simply keep that piece to yourself. But, as you say, often the art that people find most moving is that which shows them things they’d otherwise prefer to ignore.
I can relate to quite a bit of what you’ve said in this post: the brokenness, the overwhelming anger, the unsatisfied longing for something you don’t have, and the conviction that things are not likely to ever change.
For what it’s worth, your youth gives you an advantage — you still have time to sort this out and find (or create) the joy in your life. That time, though, it is fleeting. A month quickly becomes a year, which quickly becomes a decade. It passes so much more quickly than you can imagine when you’re young. I’m glad you’re thinking it over and considering giving it another shot, via your art.
All the best to you, Moody :0)