I am not normal… well lets face it is anyone truly “normal”? I’ve always had problems as a child with bullying I never really had any friends as well, no one I could really trust anyhow.. I was always to myself very secluded and alone… Then just as I thought things were looking up for me…. everything fell right back down with no ladder to climb out of.
It was my sophomore year of high school and I finally felt for the first time in a long time I belonged somewhere, I fitted in…
I even met these two girls, and at the time I thought they were my best friends.. I was so excited, so full of life, so innocent,
and it was taken away just as quickly as I found it.
Well one day, one of the girls I was friends with threw a party and of course I went… She had a cousin, who was interested in me, but I was not interested back… and I made that very clear before and during that party
Like most high school party’s there was drinking involved and smoking and etc…
being only 15 at the time, it was my first time drinking and my last… anyways I am pretty small and being that it was my fist time…. I got intoxicated pretty quickly and began to loose consciousness…
I woke up the next morning half naked… scared to death.. next to my “friends” cousin…. He had no pants on..
And if I can just point out he was a senior in high school probably about 18 years old at the time while I was just about 14 turning 15 maybe… maybe already 15
I didn’t know what to do, or what happened so I remember me running out of the room in tears and in the living room I saw the two girls who I thought were my friends sitting there on the couch like nothing happened…. they were just laughing at me while I had tears rolling down my face, my lips were white, and my skin was pale, I was so scared and I couldn’t understand for the life of me what could be so funny?
One of them said “guess you’re not so innocent now, huh?”
While the other one continued to laugh and said something along the lines like “Don’t worry he didn’t think you were that good anyways”
I couldn’t understand I didn’t know what was going on my head was pounding from how much I drank from the night before and I was lost, I didn’t understand what on earth they were talking about…
of course I didn’t want to face the truth ether
I ran back in to the room where he was just laying there on his phone he didn’t even acknowledge me…. I grabbed my cloths and ran across the hall into the bathroom and just called my mom to pick me up…
I was crying so much she thought I had gotten hurt or that something happened but of course I couldn’t have the nerve to tell her what happened or what I think had happened to me…
I just made up some lie and said I got in a argument with one of the girls.
Anyways the next day at school, everyone seemed to know what I didn’t know…
He took advantage of me, in the most disgusting and vial ways possible with no fucking remorse telling everyone what he did to me, that I didn’t even know what had happened to me… I was sick to my stomach.. I wanted to crawl into a hole and just never come back out…
Apart of me was lost that weekend, apart of me that I will never get back…. I was so young, so innocent, so fucking damaged….
Since then, I have been through 4 different types of anti-depressants higher dosages each time…
first 15… then 50… then 100… now currently 0n 200…
I have to take two anxiety pills before bed and another when I wake up… along with my “emergency” pills when I have a mental breakdown
I am now 18 and a couple years have passed… my mom still doesn’t know… in fact no one does.. I have this big dark secret that has been burning a hole through me….
suicide is something I know all too well…
multiple times attempting to over dose on anything…. narcotics (Vicodin) (Percocet’s), morphine patches, cutting, I even went as far as to doing “coke” until I passed out hoping I would never wake up and nothing… nothing… ever worked
what I want to know…. when is enough a enough…
I know this happened a while ago… but ever since then everything seemed to have gotten worse… I have no self esteem, no will to live, no desire to wake up…. it’s not even about what happened to me anymore…. it’s about looking at myself in the mirror and never being satisfied with who I am….
I don’t think it’s a sin to commit suicide… I think god has a plan for everyone and even though god chooses when we die… maybe just maybe his only flaw is not being able to decide how we die.. whether it’s natural, in the hands of someone else, or simply in the hands of our own….
4 comments
Do you consider it rape ? After 3 years you can still report it. I do not know what might help but if it helps then please try to say this to yourself every day at least once ” I have seen evil and I now know what it looks like “.
With this I mean do not get intoxicated in places were you do not feel safe or put yourself at risk this can be for example also be leaving your passport behind at a hotel during your stay (be careful of situations).
I hope this helps maybe, and if you want to report it then maybe you can feel more empowered. You not feel ashamed for what happened, maybe stupid only but that is okay you were young. You should not had been in that situation as it is bad of the guy. The first time and anytime should be special or at least your choice to be with the person that you wanted it with I think the guy should had respected this much more. Maybe now less as back then this is why it might be worthwhile to maybe just report it at the police station maybe nothing can be done now but these people are repeaters and should get caught in the end if everyone reports this.
I only say this for you to consider, but please try read a bit on biology as at the age at which you were when your depression started is when girls start to lose self confidence. I only remember reading this I am not 100% sure if it was a social study done on large scale. But try to consider that maybe you try to find a reason for an issue which is not just based on what happened but also something biologically. Try to find reason for one and the other try to read which food helps against depression as well.
Also I want to say try talking to your mom. I know it will be hard, write it maybe on a paper. Just the words “mom there is something that I need to tell that I cannot find words for” I am sure you mom will be able to help you to empower yourself. I truly hope this.
I would suggest you reach out and tell your mom or someone. This way you can figure out if you were raped and what the proper course of action to take. No matter how intoxicated you were, you don’t deserve to be taken advantage of. Another reason for talking is, you can get it off your chest and begin to heal.
As someone who was sodomized by an ex-boyfriend of mine while I was extremely intoxicated. and was sexually assaulted and co-erced several times by another ex while I was stone cold sober…don’t listen to munchkin and their bullshit “let this be a lesson” rhetoric. You did not get raped because you were drinking. You did not get raped because you didn’t speak up or because of what you were wearing or any reason people toss out that somehow places the onus of avoiding this particular act of violence on the victim. It’s not your fault. At all. Not even a little bit. There is no situation that anyone can put themselves into where rape is an expected outcome. The person at fault is the rapist. That’s what rapists do. They take advantage of people who are unable to fight back. He is a piece of shit who deserves to suffer and die. You however, my dear, are not and do not.
My suggestion is that since you’re on anti-depressants, you must have a therapist or psych professional you can talk to. Please talk to them. Let them know what happened to you so that they can better assist you in coping. There are options available that will help things hurt much less but they can’t help you if they don’t know what the problem is. My first rape happened 7 years ago, I’m still reeling from it, but I’m doing a lot better now and am able to be intimate with the partner I’ve chosen (and a large part of that is that they respect my boundaries implicitly so I feel safe and can trust them).
Much love darling. If you need to talk, I’m here for you.