I find myself just waiting.
I’m in the world’s longest queue and just when I get to the end, I’m redirected by a version of myself back to where I started.
I’d say things were going better because to everyone else, it appears like my life is picking up again. I’m talking to friends, showering, sleeping fairly normally and going the gym regularly.
But it’s not okay. I am useless at pretending to be okay. It is not a skill I have mastered.
Went to a different therapist the other day. She really was a lovely woman, but I told her exactly what she wanted to hear. Just like I have been for the past 4 months.
She asked me if I’d ever considered how my death would affect those around me. That question bugged me. I don’t need that guilt. That guilt has pained me since the first time I tried.
And don’t get me wrong, there have been periods where I’ve wanted to get better, but I’m a coward and I’m proud and stubborn. I could never ask for help, and I don’t want to look weak by asking.
My brother’s coming back home for a few days tomorrow. I’m scared because he’s always been able to see right through me. I just won’t pretend around him. He understands why I do what I do. He doesn’t like it, but he understands.
I just keep thinking about how I’ve hurt them, and how I can’t even apologize. I can’t talk to them, can’t see them, can’t text, email, call, message, skype, facebook, tweet… I am isolated from them.
No man can stay an island, least of all when the flood hits.
4 comments
I can relate to that on so many levels. Not about your brother or family exactly. However the part about appearing as though things are good again. I went from almost ending it less than a year ago, to trying to change my life around. And for a little while, I had myself almost convinced its possible. Made a few (lady) friends. Was seeing and hanging out with the few friends who I haven’t managed to pushed away. I was staying positive and it was a ritual of mine for a while. I would push myself to this state of mind of happiness or being content with who I am, where I am in life etc. I started to date one of my friends after mutual flirting and talking. Things were going good. I was trying to work out again like you. Take better care of myself and so forth. Despite all that, deep down I knew it wouldn’t last very long. And I’d be back where I started, drowning in the deep seas of depression. Honestly I don’t know how to live my life. I constantly feel overwhelmed by things like bills, doctors appointments, work, keeping up with things socially amongst friends or family. Feelings of guilt for not being a better friend, brother, son, etc. I’m trying to fight the good fight and put on a happy face and convince myself and others everything’s okay. It’s just not the case. Depression has it’s death grip on my life, and no amount of determination, fight, pleas, or will to be the person I want to be, can change that. The biggest thing I want more than anything is to make a difference in life, to help others. I don’t ever see that happening when I can’t even fix myself.
….you beleived in superstitions then maybe u’d see the signs….but lord knows that i’m not u, n i aint the lord, no i’m just a fool n lovin someone dont make them love u
sitting, waiting wishing….jack johnson rite?
Yeah, that whole album is amazing