I have been cutting for 13 years.
I want to die i have a date
I feel like he woyld be better off if i wasnt in his life. I raise him on my own. I have no help. I cant pick myself up anymore. I dont want him around me because i hate that im always fucking misreable and dont want him picking up on it. Nothing makes me happy im always putting on that fake fucking smile for everything abd everyone. I love my little one so much he is my world that is why i put on that fake smile everyday but i feel like i can’t i dont no what the fuck to do everything is falling apart nd i cant seem to fix anything. I dont want to ruin my little ones life by leaving but i feel like it could be worse if i stay what if someone finds out i cut? He will get taken. If anyone heard what u had to say he woyld be taken. I dont want him to feel like when gets older he has to take care if me Cause mom cant get the fuck out of bed or mom dosent smile or mom dosent eat or anythin. Or to see the scars all over my body…what do i tell him? What if he ends up like me….what if i fuck up his life and destroy him like i have his father…or my ex bf what if he ends up killing himself just like him….i have destroyed so many peopl…i don’t mean to im just to fuckin fucked to even fuckin exist around people!!!! I don’t know what the fuck to do, my son deserves a chance and thats not with me. Say all the shitty things you want about me thats fine. Im not trying to be selfish . I Want to give him a chance. I know im fucked up to leave my beautiful boy..i know.
12 comments
It’s your decision I know how u must feel but I’m not in your situation. I don’t think it’s selfish because life can be fucked up. We’re all on the same boat but sometimes could suicide be tougher. I don’t know .
I am feeling the same here… I know your struggle, and i would love to give u advise. But i cant. You see, we are in the same boat, sortof.
Maybe we can support eachother? Please?
I have 3 kids (who i didnt want to begin with) and all i feel is that they are better off witout me. And i dont know where to start…
Just so you know, you are not alone!
It puzzles me slightly when people say ‘better off without me’ about their loved ones. I mean, I would love to exit this planet like, now, but I don’t delude myself that I would be doing something good for my family. (I delude myself about plenty other things, not claiming to be an arbiter of sanity here.)
Actually I feel your pain op and also exitsun. I became a parent, kind of against my will, brought my son into a fairly shitty set of circumstances and the guilt and regret alone has made me want to take myself out, but the harsh reality is that my suicide would only compound the damage done to him. (He’s 19 now).
My son went to foster care at 8 years old because I couldn’t cope, with psychotic episodes and single motherhood. Obviously that is never a good outcome, though in some cases it is at least a preferable one. I am lucky that we maintained contact throughout and still have some sort of relationship though he doesn’t live with me.
Having kids can open up a whole new world of heartache. I’m really only empathising, not moralising (in no position to do that) and don’t have an answer for you, but I wish you could access some decent help and support, which wasn’t available to me when I needed it. Find out what’s available in your country/area. Get advice about where you stand on the cutting etc (that is a coping strategy of sorts, it shouldn’t necessarily mean you would lose your son provided he is not in danger). Don’t give up op!
i believes you have been a great mother as despite suffering so much chronic pain since years, you did not give up and you have been able to provide him some care and love.
The family provides the infant with a strong attachment to one or more caregivers.
Research has shown that this bond is necessary for the infant to develop interpersonal and cognitive skills.
constalation oh man ,
if you really care about your son stop cutting, show him love, and let him know, his mother is a good role model , he will be and want to be like you.
Just becase i cut does not mean i do not care about my son. i always show him love. I don’t want him to be like me. Do you cut? Have you ever cut? Probably not cause you don’t get it. Ever been addicted to something? Ever feel like you need something to get through your day and if you didnt do that you coud not control yourself? You missed the whole point of this Post rocketman
Thank you moonshine For your kind words. I know my son needs me i just feel like he does not need the other crap that comes with me being in his life. Hes only around me. I don’t want him to be like me . Hate that i can’t just pick myslef up and be who i need to be, i try i really do but it just doesn’t work i have attempted suicide 4 times since the age of 11 im now 24. Im always getting hospitalized. I haven’t. Been hospitalized since i had him. Hes 2 now this is the longest i havent gotten sent away. I have been trying but now it’s getting to a point where i Can’t fucking fake a smile Anymor. Im not trying to escape being a mother. I live being a mom i love my boy so much. And i want what is best for him. And i think me leaving is. I have things planned out so he woykd be taken care if and he would be happy and grow into a beautiful person. I don’t want to leave him i really dont i want to be with Him but i have been this way my whole life and nothing has changed. For awhie i kept thinking im supposed to be here because well there are plenty of times i should have died and it failed it makes no sense. Maybe i was just supposed to have him but not stay in his life…i couldn’t imagine im supposed to ill nake everything worse and he needs to have a good life and be a child and be worry free. I can’t give him that i can only keep things locked away for So long.
I’ve read your previous post and I think the ADD or possibly another condition is the main underlying issue behind your present circumstances and the psychological trauma during childhood is the second in preventing you from moving forward. If you believe that was a sound diagnosis I think it’s worth researching other peoples experiences and the different treatments that are available.
Exitsun and seppuku it was my choice to become a mother. I chose to have him. I could of had an abortion, i almost did. But i could not go through with it i decided i could do it that i would just get the hell over everything stop cutting cause i belived at one point if you wanted to do something bad enough you Could. i thought i wouldn’t be own my own just in case my mental health did come slamming down on me hard again. But i now see that it is just not that way i can’t just pick myslef up dust myself off leave everything Behind me shit just does not work that way And i realized tha. After i kept trying and trying i ended up in shelters with him always trying to find a way i always looked at it like its up to me to fix all this and it’s me and him against the world. I lost the live of my life and just fell the fuck apart and we are about to be homeless again and im breaking the fuck down i just can’t take it anymore…i don’t want my son ending up in foster homes i don’t trust people. I could not just sit there and watch someone else raise my son what if they don’t raise him right what if they treat him horrible what if he ends up like me. i know if i go i have someone that could raise him the way i wanted him to be and to be happy. i dont know…maybe a foster home would be better…i dont know sometimes there are good ones. It woykd be better then him being raised by me but then it could not be. And cutting well it is a coping thing fo. Ne and no it’s not putting him in danger but peopke dont see it that way they just see me as a danger to myslef so their for im a danger to him and im considered unfit. Where i am there is no help without me having my son taken from me if i tell a shrink anything they will send me away and my son will be taken. i just get made to look like some fucking monster. Mental health is just not fucking recognized it pisses me the hell off!!!
Halcyon_days that is interesting….why do you say that? Im interested but How do i look that up? I was also diagnosed with depression, bipolar, ptsd, ocd thoughts, and borderline traits.
Oh also insomnia..and something with paranoia…but i forget. No meds have eve. Worked its weird i have the opposite effect on all of them even fucking thorazine…i don’t understand. Id like to know if their are other people like this and what happend to then and how to make sense out of everything. I just need to find something to give me hope i don’t want to feel this way anymore i want to be a good mom And be with my baby boy.
Well I understand that ADD and ADHD can cause impulsiveness and can affect the way a person responds to challenges in life. A psychiatrist reaches their conclusion after looking at your history, your symptoms and comparing that with their mental health handbook and experience in treating other patients. It’s not surprising you had different opinions because all of the illnesses you’ve mentioned can be influenced by the dopaminergic/adrenergic pathway. If stimulants like Adderall didn’t work or made things worse it doesn’t mean alternatives like guanfacine/clonidine or buproprion etc will be ineffective.
There are actually a lot of pharmacological options with ADHD including some of the more obscure off-label stuff. You could try reading other forums that deal with mental heath. If you have access to healthcare in your country it’s best to get treatment from a psychiatrist and a firmer diagnosis. Most doctors would suggest counselling because of your history which is going to be unhelpful.
I tried antipsychotics for the first time last month against psychiatric advice and felt substantial improvement. If I didn’t try something new I wouldn’t have found a way forward.