story vent…dunno..part 2

So i left off with that abusive fuck i think i was on when i was 16. Okay so here goes part two….tried to get away..i started dating this othey guy i dated him for 2 years he treated me really good he helped me alot…i cheated on him though in the beginning of our relationship with the abusive fuck because he threatened to kill himself i talked to him tryed to make sure he was okay. I eventually told my bf what i had done he was really upset i dont blame him he didnt blame me either. I hated myslef though he was to good for me he stated through 2 of my hospitalizations…we went on a trip to another state we got drunk i passed out but still aware but not really he came over next to me and kissed me felt i couldnt move he thought i was sleeping he then he started touching me. Then moved my hand down his pants and made me jack him off i felt embaressed for him and almost in shock then he came all over me i was crying while he was doing this but he didn’t know i got myslef to move after and was like what happend he said i just stuck my hand down his oants and started playing with him he helped me get unto the shower i planned on keeping my mouth shut i didnt know how to talk about that i planned on cutting while in the shower but he came in with me i needed to realse everything i was shaking and having a panic attack i couldn’t believe he of all people lied to me and took advantage of me he got in started kissing me i just fell to the floor and starting saying i was awake for everything and crying i was embarrassed and felt so bad i told him to get out i cut myslef really bad he came in to check on me i had taken a bunch of my trazadone and completely out of it he put me in the bed and i passed out we didnt really talk about it after that the next day i took more pills didn’t try to kill myslef just wanted to be numb to face the day infront of his family he told ne i was stupid. I just agreed….things kinda got distant after that with us that was when i was 17 we got engaged i said yes i moved in when i turned 18 we drank every night i dont rember alot…i stayed up all night on the computer i . Didnt know it at the the time but i was trying to get away from my bf.one day i lost it i dont know what went off inside my head i got a friend request from my father on Facebook i instantly got terrified he knew where i was i felt like i was reliving everything i never told my bf what happend he would wake up i would ve laying next to him just looking at the cealing he would say what wrong i would just say nothing on the third day he asked i just said im really tierd of waking up. I started just leaving his house and sleeping outside he wouldnT Even know i would be sleeping outside somewhere. I was afraid my father knew where i was i left for a week just wandering no eating no sleeping think i was manic . Messaged him and told him im not coming back and i broke up with him he tried to tell me not too i passed ou. After that on the side of the rd some nice lady came by woke up and brought me to her house and fed me wanted to kniw about ne washed my clothes letvne shower it was so nice some random stranger actually gave a fuck about me and wanted to help me. i didnt tell her anything about me it was nice she cared but i coudnt just open up. And i didn’t want her to worry so i told her my mom said i could stay at her house i lied. I told her id be back tomorrow i never went back and never replied back to her texts she was so nice and im still so thankful for her but she didnt need my shit and i didnt want help. I continued the way i was going for a week more then i told my my best friend i was in love with him i dont know now if i actually was i think i needed him and i didnt want to be close to anyone but him he understood me and the one person i would open up to alittle bit. I started sleeping Down the road from his house for a month hE Would bring me to his house during the day nd let me shower and feed me he then started sneaking me in at night and letting me sleep there after i got hypothermia he always tried to get me to but i wouldn’t accept and i was just fine with sleeping outside at the park. i then started sleeping there occasionally after third time we slept together i thought we were dating i got digusted with him and myslef and ran away and then came to the realization that love is all in your head and so is sadness and eveything else and i could just block it out. He said he loved me i told him hes silly and their is no such thing. We stopped talking for awhilE After that. I continued sleeping outside for another month annd then starting sleeping at my other friends house for a few weeks i love her shes always tried to help me and has always been their for me i can trust her with anything probablY i feel okay when im with her, well her mom caught on she wanted to explain things to her mom i told her no and left i felt bad and i didnt want to cause anything for her. After a bout a few more days i finaly returned my bf i used to live withs phone calls he told he was worried and he needed me and to please come back he met up with me on the side of the road right before he could get to me i fainted probably due to no food and water for awhile and walking everywhere…well he picked me up and carried me back to his house….i woke up but he wouldn’t let me walk. We got back together i explained what was going on and everything he tried to help me feel safe but i still never slept and just started feeling worse…one night i took a walk down a dark road no street lights It was a busy road i without thinking jumped infront of a car the car sweved into this cament block thing sticking out of the ground trying to avoid my dumbass, i booked it and hid down i saw the person get out of their car and say what the fuck…i wanted to make sure they were okay. I hid there untill the police and amulance came by then . Took the long back ways to get back to my boyfriends house. I got back never said anything i dont remember alot after that. I continued to stay up all night on the computer after he would go to bed. He would wake up and i would already be drunk and i was just silent. I knew he was starting to get sick if me i just layed there and cried or just stared blankley at everything i eventually poured everything out one day he was at apoint where he didnT Know what to do their was nothing he could do. then one day i got a facebook message from my fathers mother list it on her and told her what my father did to me and told her i dont want to see him and to fuck herself i left his house again. He broke up with me he just said he couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t blame him. I started living outside agai. 2 monthes went by i ended up falling off the high school roof and then got a fever and was really sick i couldn’t take it anymore i called my mom and asked if i could come home i left there to begin with because i was tierd of being put in meds and sent to hospitals and didnt want to stop cutting. I came back knowing i would have to be on meds again none of them ever worked i have been on them all but have always had the opposite effect. But i went back…….to be continued