ive never needed someone to give me the will to survive… until 5 years ago. Ever since then its been so hard to stay alive. How do you go on when every morning you wake up wishing you didnt….. how do you make yourself want to be alive. 5 years…. 5 long, painful, slow years. I go through so many struggles and i dont know how many more i can take. When i was around 4 or 5 my brother used to make me get undressed and he would touch me, in a way no child should have to be subjected to. Then, when i was about 12 he got very sick… he was in the hospital for months and he almost died….. and guess who found him unconscious on the floor….me. I have never told my parents what he did to me because quite frankly i dont think theyll believe me. In between my childhood and where i am now, ive been molested over 15 times….. not all by the same boy. Not just my brother…. boyfriends i chose to see and even boys i had no idea about….. why is it that it wont stop? Stop… what a funny word. It never really means anything. I try and i try and i try to be a good person and care for others and stand up for what i believe in but im always wrong. ANd i cant do it anymore. 5 years of wanting to die…. 5 years of wishing god would take me….. 5 years and counting. But, its come to the point where the 5 years need to end… and they need to end today. I need help…. i need a life line….. i need a reason to continue breathing.
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I understand how you feel because something like that has happened to me. I’ve kept it bottled up and the only reason I’ve kept moving forward is because I want to show I can be somebody. I want to show I can overcome this. It gets hard I know, there will be times when you will want to give up but just keep going. I’m still struggling and it hasn’t been easy… You didn’t deserve any of that to happen to you and I truly apologize for that. However, I think that makes you a strong person to have held on for so long.
Thats really shitty. Keep talking…
It was horrible about your brother, but what about boyfriends and other boys? I didn’t get it at all, they are only your boyfriends and others because you allow them right?
Well, try to get better ;].
Sometimes perpetrators can sense when their potential targets are frightened and unlikely to confront them later or “turn them in”. I know I’ve had weak boundaries and others found out before I did and took extreme advantage of my weakness. I know that sound and solid boundaries will stop the abuse and that may be what you need help with. If you have good boundaries and someone tries to cross the line you’ll be able to give them the slap on the hand that tells them they will pay a huge price if they try and go there. You have to believe in yourself – believe that you are better, stronger and more valuable than those that need to feed their egos by taking advantage of another person. It may take finding a professional you can trust and it will take something even harder – disclosure. But you need to take back the power that has been taken from you. You are worthy of having the life you want. And I hope you can believe that.
– peace
Hello. I agree with averything Nozmoking said. I know how you feel in a way.. when I was 6 years old I was molested a lot of times by my uncle.. I didn’t get the support of my family my whole life, in the oposite, since I was a child my mother used me to de-stress, I grew up closed, angry, sad, lonely, lost, with a lot of health problems, and I can’t even control my anger of those long years.. Now i’m almost 23, and still can’t control my sadness. This month I went for a psychologist, and really, it’s not easy, I was falling apart, and everytime I said a word I just couldn’t stop the tears..
In those long years I tried suicide and tought about it a lot of times, I can’t even count.
But.. I want to tell you.. Just till now I tought why am i alive, why everything happened.. and I still don’t have a answer, I just feel lonely and sad because everyone just tell me that I need to be strong and judge me all the time. I KNOW WE DON’T NEED SOMEONE TO JUDGE US, We already do it everyday and just need someone to encorage and listen to us.
Don’t worry if people think you’re wrong, don’t listen to anyone that don’t even try to understand you. You don’t need to be a good person, everyone have the good and bad selfs, the diference is only wich one you choose to be more. You don’t need to match the expectations of anyone, think about yourself, little by little, let’s find things you like to do, things you like, and ignore everything that is bad for your, see ahead, I just wanna say you’re not alone, I’m here listening to your feelings, and can talk to if you need.
Let this site be the reason you live. Let us be your life line. I know your pain.
I feel sickened by all this hate and cruelty in this world. However, you should learn to stand up for yourself. If a guy molests you, I don’t care who he is, I would knee him some place uncomfortable and report him to the police. Make your life line helping other people get through being molested, or be the one who arrests them.
Why did you help your brother-why didn’t you let him die? I’m sorry for the suffering that you’ve gone through but you clearly need to get professional help. Try to find a therapist. I think you need to tell your parents also. They might not want to believe you, but they will have to.
Also you might be giving off signs of weakness and vulnerability which is giving others a signal that they can molest you and you won’t get them in trouble. You need to be very firm and loud and warn them that you’ll tell on them. Additionally I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to get involved with guys until you have sorted through these issues first.
You might even get a guy wrongly put in jail for accusing him of molestation when he was just being a boyfriend who wants to have sex with his gf. But most of all you need some guidance and support from people you trust.