Hi there. This is my first post. I joined a weeks or so ago to try and help others. I’ve tried to help people all my life. Seems to be the only thing that gets me through. I wasn’t really going to make a post, but tonight I feel like I should. Not really sure if it’s a rant, or what it really is. Just need to say some things.
I’ve been depressed a lot of my life. Seems just haven’t always seemed right. I wouldn’t say it was severe, but it’s definitely been there. I was in a 10 year relationship since I was 13 years old. I ended it 8 months ago. I couldn’t stand being a dying relationship with her any longer. She was so insecure with us and my love for her. I loved her, and sadly still do. She would always question my love for her. Everyday she ask me if I did love her and how could I love her. It began wearing on me and began to ask myself the same questions. I started doubting it. I would come home from long 12 hour work days (I’m an auto tech by the way. Work 70 hours a week for a 30 hour paycheck usually. It’s tormenting.) and she would get so upset and mad that I didn’t want to be intimate with her. I just wanted to lay beside her after those unbelievably long days. I just wanted someone that could understand how hard it was. But no, she would sulk the rest of the night. Then I began feeling that I was a horrible boyfriend. So after months of this I ended, thinking I was the problem.
Well now she has moved on with someone else. And I’m just here in the hole. I was angry at first and didn’t want anything to do with her after thinking of all the times she was never there for me. All the times she made me feel guilty for just being depressed. She was spiteful, resentful and jealous of other people. She could never be happy if someone else had something she didn’t. She disliked all the friends I made, because she felt I spent too much time around them. But after a while I missed her. I started thinking I was the problem again.
So I made that choice. The choice to leave her. Now I don’t know what I’m doing. She’s moved on and now I’m alone. I tried being her friend, but all she would do it argue with me. She told me his name out of spite knowing I didn’t want to know it. So I erased her number. That was a few weeks ago. I’ve slowly been becoming and introvert and have started having severe breakdowns. I’ve now gotten to the point that I’m questioning my life and don’t have a will to live. I haven’t even had a glimmer of hope in meeting anyone new and its very discouraging. I picked up alcohol after the break up. Never touched it until then. Everyone seems to want to help, but turn as soon as I open up, they turn away. All people say is just give it time. With time it has only become worse though. I really have no one to turn to anymore. I have no love in my life and no one to love me. I’ve only been with one person my whole life.
I guess this was a rant after all. This is just a piece of my life. I’m not sure why I wrote this. I guess I feel like I don’t have much of a choice. Well, guess I’ll call it a night.