I’m a med student.
I’ve recently started cutting – just yesterday in fact – and it hurts. I’d gone and bought carpet blades and tested it, but the feeling when the blade cuts across kinda makes me cringe. But the aftermath – the little pinprick of pain that follows, is amazing. It’s constantly there, and I can FEEL it.
Does it get better? I want to feel that pain, but the starting part just kinda puts me off. It’s he constant pain that makes it so worth it. I’d woken up this morning and added three more cuts, but like I said, the starting part isn’t that pleasant.
I’d started with slapping myself when I was 12 to slamming my head against the wall at 15. Then it was the throwing up, and NOTHING worked. The depression is still there, and people write it off and ‘wanting attention’ so I just don’t tell them. I don’t know. Maybe it is? I don’t know anymore. Suicide has been on my list, but now I’m turning to cutting for help.
I don’t understand. I’m in med school just like my dad wanted, but I hate it. I have a relatively ok social life, and great friends. I don’t really come off as a depressed person, and I laugh and smile like ‘normal’, and everything feels ok for awhile. Then it comes back. The loneliness and depression. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the right to feel lie this, because there are other people out there who are really suffering.
help me
2 comments
(((Oh lulereign))) I am so sorry your depression has pushed you so far. Depression is the hardest illness IMHO.
Please let the initial pain of cutting help you stop. That sucks, so much pain for such little relief. If it was a great relief you wouldn’t have to do it over and over, ya know? And that relief will need to increase and then, that pain will really hurt. 🙁
My heart goes out to you. Your parent is pushing you to med school that you do not want and cannot see you don’t even want it.
When you pain gets you down, can you search for what would make you happy? Find books in the library to search out information or the internet (of course). When your pain of no one listening/ caring/ not being able to tell others, journal and tell yourself what you are feeling.
I am facing this. I am alone, no one physically or emotionally anywhere. No one to support me, help me make decisions, make choices. I am finally understanding the importance of listening to me.
Please don’t hurt you. You don’t realize how valuable you are because you have been taught lessons of the opp untruth.
Please don’t hurt you because your pain is so deep and you need to seek help…
Call your counseling center at school. You can share what you wish, to see if the counselor is someone you can open up with. Share a little or as much as you want. Doing this will give you an ally, someone to listen to you.
Please again, don’t hurt you. Be there for you. Start now. Don’t let that wonderful woman behind all this pain down.
Hope you have a good Tuesday.
Hey, you. I used to cut, slam my head against the wall, and am still in the vomiting stage. I understand how you feel. I have bipolar disorder, (I’m aware it’s not the same) but I can relate to what you are saying. Please stop cutting. It’s going to take a lot of will-power, and you will probably relapse at some point, but you are not alone in this. Looking back on cutting, I realize that it didn’t help, but drove me further in to wanting to kill myself. Things didn’t even remotely look better until after 2-3 months of stopping. It’s not going to be easy, but if you want anything to get better for you, you’re going to have to stop.
Also, on you becoming a med student and hating it, I think that it would be best to stop. This is also going to be difficult, but in the long run, you will be happier. Do something that will make you happy. It’s your life, so you should make the decisions in it.
At the end of the day, you are going to have to make the decisions. You are going to have to choose what is best for you; no one else can do it for you.
I wish you the best of luck.