My parents have always been super harsh on me, always yelling whenever I do just one thing wrong or forget to do another. They wonder why I never do anything when I have a mile long list of chores. (which they promptly tell me isn’t bad at all and that I need to quit my complaining. 10 chores compared to the one thing that each of them does? Hm. I don’t know, but that seems pretty bad to me.)
One night, it was really bad. It was Sunday, actually. We had just seen a movie together and it was almost dinner time. Now, my dad knows that I empty the dishwasher AFTER dinner, but he decided to keep nagging and nagging, and now he was getting angry, all because I do things on a schedule. I eventually had to do it because he was now like a raging bull with his horns aimed directly at me. So I get a little hurt and stifle a couple of sniffles to hide how hurt I am. I forgot to mention, my brother who we never see was coming for dinner, so I decide that I’m only going to be a stick in the mud and I claim to be sick to my stomach and go to bed only after a salad.
I walk upstairs to my room and start listening to music when I just completely break down. I don’t even know how bad, everything kinda went blurry after this point. I was sobbing, everything was spinning, and in the midst of it all, I cut. /not bad or anything, but I cut. And instead of cutting somewhere where I could hide it, I cut on my arm.
Eventually I stumble to the bathroom and I clearly remember sitting on the floor, curled up crying my eyes out. When I literally could no longer cry, I stood up, brushed my teeth and went to bed.
The next morning, I wake up and have completely forgotten about what happened the night prior, and I wear short sleeves. I think that was the worst mistake I’ve made in a long time.
I go about my day as normal- until it’s dinner time, and that’s when everything started to spiral out of control.
My mom notices my cuts and asks about them. My mind is racing and all I can muster up the courage to say is “I don’t want to talk about it.”
My dad then sits down and she tells him. She said “Our child cut” (she said my name but I’m not going to put it on this site)
My dad then asks “Why?”
And I have to repeat the “I don’t want to talk about it” thing.
We go through dinner fairly normally, this time my other brother is here and I can’t use the ‘upset stomach’ thing again, so I bear it.
After dinner they press and press about it. Again, things get kinda blurry at this point so I walk upstairs, close my door to my room and lay on my bed and cry. At some point, I acquire a new cut on my leg and I just continue to sob and hug myself because I’m so alone. I’m so alone. That’s what this is, I’m facing this alone and I can’t deal with it.
My mom texts me and this is the exact conversation we had:
{Did you cut because of dad or me?)
{We need to talk about this.)
(I don’t want to.}
{We can’t do this just before Italy.* We NEED to talk about this and resolve whatever is bothering you BEFORE we go)
(I’ll be fine. I always am.}
{Then you have to come too work with me every day. I can’t leave you alone.)
{my name here, I’m not kidding.)
(Okay.}
{Okay what?)
(Take me to work with you, then.}
{I want to know what set you off! How can things change if you don’t say what it was?)
{My name again please, I’m trying to help.)
{May I come up to talk to you, please?)
(No. I don’t want to talk.}
{How do I know you’re not cutting yourself?)
(I’m not.}
(I’m laying in bed crying.}
{If I don’t know what I did, I can’t stop doing it.)
{Cutting does not solve anything. It really doesn’t I can take you to an outpatient psychiatric place right now. Do you want to go?)
(I’m not cutting! I don’t want to go}
{But the fact that you cut again is really bad. I don’t even know why you did it do I can’t help you. Maybe a Doctor can help you if you won’t talk to me.)
{you can’t just go around cutting yourself whenever someone criticizes you. And the fact that you did it so openly means you wanted someone to see. Why?)
This is when I just stopped responding. I was shaking and sobbing, all because I was trapped. I’m trapped in my depression, trapped in my house with two parents who just push and pull until you’re exhausted, trapped within myself because I was stupid enough to wear short sleeves.
I just couldn’t believe how incredibly insensitive she was with that last text and I felt physically ill from the bitterness I tasted in her words.
I walked out of my room and she was staring up at me like a hawk looking for prey.
I then walked briskly to the bathroom and sat in there for a good while. I brushed my teeth and washed my face and went to go to bed when she stopped me.
“Please let me put something on your arm.” She asked so gently, I agreed and walked downstairs.
When in her bathroom, she continued to drown me in questions of “Why? What did we do? Who are you mad at?”
I just kept saying that I wouldn’t talk about it.
Then, after that, I walked upstairs. They stopped me on the catwalk. This time, my dad was asking questions as well.
My mom said she was going to admit me to the hospital so that there would be people to watch me 24/7.
My dad said that eventually I was going to cut deep enough that I’d have to be hospitalized and then they’d put me in a psych ward.
When I finally couldn’t take listening to this anymore, I burst into tears and told them firmly (about as firmly as possible through my tears) “I don’t want to talk about it! I don’t!” Then I went in my room, continued to cry until i fell asleep.
*My dad has a business trip in Italy and my mom and I were allowed to come.
20 comments
You are so lucky. One day you will see. Yes they are right that 10 chores around the house is nothing to what they do to make a life for you, I’m sure. Chores help you grow and one day you will be able to manage an adult life. Adult life is very hard.
For now, just be patient with them and do what they say. You are their kid, after all and they give you everything.
Didn’t read the whole post, sorry.
You are so lucky I hope you can enjoy the trip.
Good luck
lol you are are fucking piece of shit.
Really dude go fuck yourself 😉
Obviously someone else here doesn’t like doing chores lol
Its ok I’m not gonna get mad at you
You just don’t get it yet
Chores?Get a life dude,you think this is about chores?
Go read his post again or go fuck yourself and don’t comment again 😉
Am i really the biggest problem in your life right now? Does it mean that much to you? You give in to anger a little too easy. How old are you?
i’m 19.
And focus on what you wrote.I mean are you that blind??
hey dickhead, he’s trying to help, how about you leave him the fuck alone? he’s addressing something they said in the post, kinda what the comments are for.
Oh and I hope you can eventually stop cutting but no one can make you stop
Again.. good luck
It aint about the chores (fucktard) the dad is being a **** and the mom hasn’t got the balls to stand up to it- packing the dish washer after the dinner is not a crime- I have had kids and a wife that wouldn’t do fuck all in the house- I did %50 while working so I did my half, while she my ex raised the kids- and I cooked 50 cleaned 50 attended the kids 50. the kids would hardly eat or complain always about eating and never cleaned- but I was patient, I know kids are kids-
the girl or boy who wrote the message above is getting abused for being helpful- what is that telling him about the world- the dad can go fuck himself- and this coming from a dad who suffered relentless childhood abuse and batterings, my mum had the same, my dad the same, my grandma and pa the same, great grandma the same- all fucking hypocrites.
You don’t prepare someone fot the world by bullying them for being a reasonably well kempt teen adolescent.
I’m not going to lie, that doesn’t sound like the worst thing ever. Family situation, I mean, because cutting is really bad. I’m not judging though, I remember in my darkest days, the littlest things seemed colossal.
What I do suggest you do is try to put it in perspective. You do a lot of housework yes, but obviously your mom really cares about you and you get to go to Italy!
I’m not saying that your problems don’t matter, because if they’re bothering you, they really do. I’m just suggesting that you try and look at the bigger picture. Things get better, trust me. Stay strong, honey.
I’m somewhat unsure of why some users on this site are playing the “your life doesn’t sound so bad” card. Someone could have the best life in the world but still suffer from depression. Depression is an illness that can strike anyone, anywhere. This does not mean you are weak.
I’m sorry about your situation, I do think you need to see someone to talk about this with. Do you have to go to Italy? I’m not sure it’s a good idea to travel to another country if you’re so depressed. Hospitalization will get you treatment, but it’s rather traumatizing. I feel an outpatient therapist would work best. Before you see a psychiatrist and they prescribe you medication you should see if talk therapy helps. Sometimes just talking it out for a few months in a safe place is better than pills.
Cutting will never solve anything. In my case, it only made things worse. I was too afraid to talk with my mother about it as well and always avoided the questions. You need to try and work with yourself to slowly cut down on this addiction. Even if you don’t know now, you need to get to the reason why you cut.
Good luck. I’m sorry you are in so much pain right now.
Thanks so much. I’ll ask to go talk to someone, and I was actually thinking the same thing. (About Italy, I mean.)
One thing your going to learn- the world is fucked- and there is a lot of idiots out there- not least one of your parents- it will take years to learn how not to be emotionally blackmailed and years still to develop the strength to cut out people who will convince you you owe your entire life to them for your existence- not when you are doing your fair share, and not being bullied for the sake of just wanting your own peace- not interacting or being silent is not a sign of weakness- its a sign of patience and will one day develop into poise.
i am sick and tired of people belittling other peoples problems. It doesn’t help
Oh and what your parents are doing… Well some would say its toughening the person up… I would say its psychological abuse, maybe that’s far fetched, but they should use positive reinforcement in my opinion…
the toughening people up theory is bullshit- training your child to be a loser like the %+55 who will one day be failed and bitter adults- which people think that is ‘OK’- I say bullocks, creativity is a virtue and so that along with peace
yes, the world is fucked…
and no it doesn’t toughen anyone up like you say.
parents should not treat their children this way.
sorry if i write in a strange way
but Hioneh gives good advice for this i am sorry for posting so much
Dear Stranger,
Let me start off by saying ‘I understand.’ And let me follow that by explaining what parts of your post I can relate to you on. But before I do that, let me tell you a little about me…
I’m an orphaned 31yr old single Mother of 2 small kids who has been an occasional ‘cutter’ now for the past 4 years. I say I’m orphaned because my parents both died 5yrs ago, I have one living half-sibling that I haven’t spoken to since our abusive alcoholic Mother died, and aside from my children I essentially am completely alone when it comes to blood connecting family ties. I’ve struggled with depression for 20years, have lost the fight more times than I care to admit and only recently have become pseudo-comfortable in talking to others and admitting to myself that I’m not mentally okay, nor emotionally stable. And a large part of it comes from the way I was raised by an overly strict Mother, an entirely absent, molesting Father, and the rest comes from past relationships in which I was physically abused and emotionally mistreated.
I know what its like to hurt. To be criticized when you’re giving it your best. To be judged by people who can only see you through their eyes, and can’t fathom.how you can seemingly feel so bad, because they’ve never been there themselves. I know how it feels when everything in your life starts spinning out of control (and sometimes the worst spins come from only one or two things that are wrong), and no matter how hard you fight it, its like the whirlpool of despair sucks you in even further. I also know what that endorphine rush that you get when you cut feels like as it pulls you away from the storming emotional sea you feel you’re drowning in.
I know how heavy the shame is when you’re done because you fear the questions, the sideways looks, their changed opinion of you once others see that you’ve committed the social taboo of harming yourself. I know that’s why mainly you try to hide it, but I also know that sometimes it ends up being seen because you can’t help where you do it because you’re so upset you just act on impulse.. and then sometimes there is that little part of you, after you’ve done it on your forearm or leg, that really does WANT someone to see. But its not for the drama queen kind of attention. It’s because you want someone to see it, and recognize that you aren’t okay, and you want help. But not the kind that comes in the form of hospitalizations in psych wards… the kind of help that comes in the form of two arms wrapped around you so you can just cry it out until the storm has subsided, no matter long that takes. The kind of help that is two ears fully open, and aren’t connected to a mouth, especially one that judges or shames.
In being a parent, I understand a lot of things now that I couldn’t get when I was younger. I didn’t understand that by being charged with domestic responsibility, it was a way for me to learn life skills that I’d need once out in the world on my own. I also didn’t understand that there larger possibilities of bigger and deeper problems that my parents could have been blindly suffering from, and unintentionally ignorant to the psychological and emotional damage they were causing me. I fully understand why they’re concerned. Naturally someone who only knows society’s negative opinion on someone who cuts is going to think the worst, and a concerned mother will always go a little if not a lot over the edge when it comes to her children being harmed, and that becomes even more so if you’re the one doing it. I fully understand why you don’t wanna talk. Because they’re treating you with harsh inquiry,and no one wants to be babysat when in this situation, let alone talked to about being hospitalized.. it just make the urge to retreat inward worse.. but TO A POINT, your Mother was partially right:
“How can things change when you won’t say what it is?” She’s correct in the sense that you can’t fix a problem if you can’t even identify it. However, that can be met with the fact that someone isn’t going to want to speak if they don’t feel they’re going to be listened to.
I’m an Aries, and for a LONG time, I had no interest in talking to anyone because I felt they didn’t understand me, I didn’t need nor want help, and I could do everything on my own. But what the naive me couldn’t fathom at the time was that no one was going to ever be able to understand what was going on inside if I didn’t let them in, and I had to be honest about it. I also learned in time that I CAN’T do everything on my own, because sometimes life’s situations just turn out that way, and just because I didn’t WANT the help, didn’t mean that I didn’t truly NEED it. There comes a time in everyone’s life, both big and small, young and old; that we need to eat a piece of “Humble Pie”. I didn’t like it, and didn’t want to do it, but my life changed and I found myself in a situation where I NEEDED to. But before I could be humble and ask for help, I had to admit to myself that I was facing a problem that I couldn’t fix on my own.
It takes a lot of courage to be able to look inside yourself, see your flaws, admit to yourself that you have them, see the need to fix it, and then go back outside of yourself, admit it to someone else and then ask them for help. The world would be a different place if more us could put down our ego and pride and do this. Its a hard thing to do because you make yourself vulnerable by doing so, and can risk being damaged further if you find the wrong person to help you. But that risk doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. You owe it to yourself, because in the long scheme of things, life really is to short to be spent living it miserably.
I’m not going to tell you cutting is okay, because we both know it isn’t. No form of pain is okay, because it hurts, and hurting fucking sucks. But I get what its like to be in a situation to where if you’re really gonna make a bad decision, you should make the best one out of all your choices. But make sure you’re not selling yourself short and limiting your own choices, essentially robbing yourself of the possibility of not only a better outcome to the situation, but feeling better as well. Try writing next time? Art? As a tattoo artist, I KNOW creativity is fueled by emotion. Maybe instead of actually cutting, paint a picture of it instead, that way you can still say “This is how I feel.” but hopefully with less criticism and judgements from those who see it. Not to mention there’s less risk of hospitalizations, and that within itself is a plus.
I also would talk to your parents. Preferrably together as they’re supposed to be a team(and tell them that when you say you’d like to have a family discussion with them.), but one-on-one if you have to. Pick a day where its just the 3 of you. Cell phones off and out of the room, housephone ringer shut off, and no visitors. Sit at the kitchen table so you can all face each other, with 4 pieces of paper, 3 pens/pencils and 1 red marker. Explain to them that you’ve called them together because you’d like to talk to them, but in order for you to talk, they have to legitimately LISTEN. Without speaking. Hand them each a piece of paper and a pen/pencil and tell them that the paper has 2 sides, and will have 2 lists. One side is for the things you talk to them about, and the other side is for things they’d like to talk to you about. You too will have the same paper, for the same purpose, but yours will be one side for Mom, and one side for Dad. Then pull out the red marker and the 4th piece of paper. Draw a big heart on it, and write the words ‘HONEST LOVE’ inside of it. Explain that this is the ‘speaking paper’, and if you don’t have it in front of you, you are NOT ALLOWED to speak. You can ONLY LISTEN. But you have to follow the rules of the ‘speaking paper’. When you have it, you can only speak FROM.THE HEART with HONESTY and LOVE. You cannot yell, or speak angrily because anger doesn’t come from the heart, and isn’t on the paper. Then sit down and start to talk.
It sounds silly, sure. But your parents will see that you’re making a REAL attempt by ding this, and obviously has been thought out by you if orchestrated so well. You have to be honest with how your parents make you feel, but you CANNOT BE CRITICAL OF THEM !! Not only do you not want them to do it to you, but it’s not on the paper. ^_^ Take a shot at it, and if you, or you as a family unit agree that the problems are too complicated to fix together, then seek out outside help, but do it as the TEAM you’re supposed to be. It might be the step in the right direction all 3 of you need to change the faulty foundation your family is being built upon, and reconstruct it into something strong and unbreakable, tied together by bonds of complete honesty and genuine love.
You can’t fix something if you don’t know its broken. Communication is key. The right motivation will push you to get what you want in life, and the only way to always fail is to never try.
Luck is for leprechauns. I wish you strength and clarity.
Sincerely,
Someone who understands. <3
Wow… That really just hit deep, it was just what I needed to hear.
As a leo, I have major pride issues and it’s really good to hear that I’m not the only one that struggle(d/s) with telling people. I’m really going to try that, with the paper. Good idea. Thanks for your support.