There are minimal external factors which constitute my claim that life is indeed a struggle for me, making it hard for other people to comprehend and/or understand the exact nature of my discontent. Most people retain the belief that misery absolutely must be invoked upon an individual due to trauma or tragedy, when the truth rests in our own perceptions all along. It’s the perceptions of those adverse external factors or events that cause the depression in most people, not the events themselves.
Anyone with half a brain knows this. What people don’t know, or at least often don’t recognize, is that a mind can turn against oneself. The most fundamental instinctual drive behind every human – to survive – is suppressed by higher brain function, which is what I believe to be the problem; in fact, it’s why some transorbital lobotomy patients actually improved (due to the damage exerted on their higher functions, their instinctual drives were able to unearth themselves from the depths of their minds). Without this drive, the mind wanders (as it often does) from healthy egocentricism to concentrated individualistic purpose. This purpose, we can never truly identify, which puts people of logic -like me- in a rather unpleasant position.
We cannot prove the existence of an anthropomorphic entity called “God”. In fact, looking at the history of the human race, we have been through and possess a myriad of different religious beliefs and philosophies that have flared up and died out over the decades. There is no reason to believe that humanity is right this time, just as the Mayans thought they were right to tug the beating hearts out of people during religious ceremonies. The Bible has been translated and written by humans, yet many people accept the word of God to be infallible, not realizing that the words which they read were written by humans (who are prone to fallacy). Also, we can’t know what are parables in the Bible and what aren’t, just as we can’t know the exact social and cultural milieu that extend to the wording of the Bible, which may (relative to the time period in which it was written) be attempting to suggest something other than our current and literal translation of it. Blind faith; it’s not something I can live my life by. I’d be happier with it, I’ve tried, but I simply cannot.
So, what does God have to do with this? Purpose. God, or Catholicism and its derivations, provide people with purpose, which is incredibly powerful. People without the belief in a higher power still can lead happy lives, not sinking into an existentialist funk and simply focusing on what’s in front of them. Both faith and ignorance are solutions to the egocentric question behind our purpose; yet I have neither. So no, I do not believe that Dante is correct; however, since I cannot completely discount the notion that his version of Hell may exist (due to the fact that it can’t be proven), I simply have a minute fear that he is.
So, as far as my feelings about my decision to end my life go; I feel conflicted. I want to erase my existence so no pain will be caused to those around me, but I know that isn’t possible. I also know that I can’t stay here solely for other people, or else I’ll go insane. So my options are to either find something to live for, or kill myself. I have a family, and a fiancee, with plenty or aunts and uncles and a small amount of friends. This is why people don’t understand. I have everything, yet I have nothing. I have to fight, struggle, to attain even a flicker of the comfort and happiness that most people experience naturally on a daily basis. This internal conflict is pointless to me; two forces within myself, opposing each other, neutralizing each others functions and efforts as they resist. Basically, the conflict paralyzes me. And I cannot become free without ending the battle.
2 comments
You are obviously highly intelligent. You do not need to believe in God or have a religion, however, to feel spiritual support, but you must seek it, hopefully find your way to connect, and that is difficult, so many shams and people who make themselves feel good by getting others to join their team. It took me over 40 years of life to find that connection and then, as thing evolved, many on the same path turned back to dogma when the guide died.
A simple and perhaps meaningless to your question: Do you have a cat or dog? Finding an innocent part of Nature that has not been dogmafied can be a key to connecting spiritually. Nature is naturally connected.
I’m off to see my father over July 4th. Perhaps we can communicate more.
Vedura
Hi marine, I was curious to know your backstory so I clicked on your post history. Damn, you’ve been here a long time. So first & foremost, congratulations for surviving.
I wanted to comment on the question of purpose. I agree that higher brain functions (surpassing survival instinct) can lead us into a heap of trouble. But I firmly believe that the confusion can be overcome by even higher brain functions, those which redefine our sense of purpose without the egocentricism.
When we awaken from our primordial survival instinct and realize there’s more to life, it’s like being thrown into a new ocean. Suddenly, without our prime directive (“Survive”) we’re lost. That’s when we invent faith and religion and whatnot to become our new prime directive.
But, as you said, what happens when that falls apart under scrutiny? I know it seems like the end of the road, and maybe it is. But I can’t help but realize that there’s another level of consciousness, a profound and objective awareness that allows us to determine our logical function again.
Try thinking of it this way: you are no longer you. You are now observing you from the outside. As an outside observer, you can see your skills, your talents and your potential (without the liability of pain that you feel in your own identity). And so, as an objective observer, you should be able to see yourself simply as a tool, and next you should be able to see what this tool is good for.
I know you’re probably thinking, “Yeah sure, but that still doesn’t address the question of ‘why bother’.” And you would be right. I don’t have the answer to ‘why bother’. But I do know that there are certain things I feel are worth doing, even if the universe is pointless.
And you do, too. In your post you said you don’t want to cause pain to those around you. Why is that? Does it really matter in the grand scheme of this infinite expanse we call the universe if you cause pain to a loved one? Who knows. But you don’t want to. And that’s good enough.
So you see (if this ramble of mine made any sense at all… it’s nearly 3am and I’m going on no sleep for a day & a half), right there is a small example of having a purpose that has nothing to do with egocentric survival and nothing to do with God or lack thereof.
I think that’s the key to each person finding their purpose (and possibly a new, genuine will to live). We surpass the survival instinct. We surpass superstitions & false gods. Hell, we may even surpass real gods if they’re out there. And we act purely as efficient, logical machines whose purpose is defined by our unique sense of what is ‘right’.
I think Dostoevsky touched on this in Crime & Punishment, but he approached the question as the antihero Rastalnikov who (incorrectly) embraced amorality, with disastrous results. Imagine instead embracing morality, but not anything dictated by churches or governments or society. I’m talking about the morality which you, acting as your own god in charge of your own local universe, realize within yourself.