For the first time in a while, I was smiling. It wasn’t fake. I was okay. I had found some form of peace. Then I made one crucial mistake. I went to see my father. Of course. I couldn’t just leave well enough alone, could I? Now I’m right back where I started. Like all of the progress I’ve worked so hard to make has shattered in front of me. It was only a matter of time, but damn.. So soon?
Fuck it.
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I’m sorry, I wish I had something better to say.
For what it’s worth, I’m in the same boat, I’m visiting family up in Maine right now and I’m seeing the thing that beat and tortured me as a kid. I wasn’t making any real progress, but I didn’t realize how much worse things would get just by seeing the guy.
I hate that you have to deal with that. No one should have to go through these things. BUT. You’re still breathing. As long as your heart beats and your lungs inflate, there is a chance that things will turn around. But when your heart goes silent and your lungs shrivel, hope dissolves. I know you’re in a shitty place and I’m sure I couldn’t begin to comprehend your current situation, but some of us like having you around. Okay. I’m a little selfish. Just don’t go, alright?
but it’s sooo haard (in my best impersonation of Michael Cera’s portrayal of Scott Pilgrim).
I didn’t mean to drag your post towards me, I just wanted to make sure you remember you aren’t alone and I’ll always be happy to cry with you if you need me too, I may not be able to offer anything actually productive though:P
That’s pretty helpful. 🙂 thanksssss, walruuuuuuussssss
Don’t mention it 🙂
“Sticks and stones may break my bones…but blood relatives can never hurt me.” Uh. I think Confucious said that….
Anyways Sammi, I literally convinced myself that I was an alien. For the longest time, I wondered why my parents and I fought about everything. They disapproved of my life choices, and I of theirs. Basically, I came to the conclusion that regardless of blood, somehow I just have an alien soul, since I don’t feel I’m like other people, really. Not in the like, “ooh I’m unique” way. I mean I seriously just am not human-like.
Anyways, this is deviating from your parental problem. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that people who are close to you by blood don’t actually mean anything to you. Real family is bonded together by choice. Not blood.
also, sorry for the grammar. I’m super tired right now.
Mmmm the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. They’ve altered this saying to fit their own needs. We’re raised to stick with our families. I guess it’s sort of a pack mentality. Have we not outgrown the idea of picture perfect families? I clearly have not. I just keep going back like I actually care because that’s what I’ve been taught. Oh well
Wow, I didn’t know about that saying before, though I had heard it’s misused counterpart. That’s just sad, how a perfectly good proverb was twisted to mean family allegiance. But Sammi, I think most of us want picture perfect families. I just want mine to involve people of my own choice, which happens to not include blood relatives. I think my picture perfect family would include a couple friends, maybe three. And my cat. The cat is a must.
Sorry to hear about your misfortune but it’s nice to know you’re still here I was curious what happened to you
Those close to you can always hurt you more than “regular” people because of that same fact, you lower your guard and tend to expect more from them, so whatever they do affect you on a grander scale. This is particularly true of parents and family in general. Better to avoid them when you know they can bring you down (that’s what i do, so i barely talk to them, hah). Hope you get back to that peaceful state eventually.
Sammiiiiiii. Bounce back! Quick!!
This was just a little stumble out of the gate; don’t let it knock you out. Whenever we begin a serious recovery effort we want to believe all the stars will line up with us and we’ll zoom to the moon. Not usually so… You wouldn’t want it to be that easy anyway, would you?? This is just one of those “On your mark, get set, STOP! Gotcha I mean go!” moments.
I believe your father will always be an ogrish presence in your life. I’ve got a few of those, too. But if, for now, you can find away around such presences, you can grow stronger and eventually dwarf them.
“At home drawing pictures
Of mountain tops with him on top,
Lemon yellow sun, arms raised in a ‘V’,
The dead lay in pools of maroon below.”
From Pearl Jam “Jeremy”. Uh… just don’t get any ideas from watching the video, please.