This is not what i had expected. fuck it, fuck it. everything is ugly from the inside. I thought after getting a job many things will be fulfilled, i will take my revenge, become independent and move out and live on my own. But… nothing comes free. Everything comes with its own conditions and effects. eh, it changes you. Fuck, this is not what i had expected. nothing is fulfilled and everything is gone.
I hate my job. And it really has nothing to do with work pressure or office culture. I don’t know what I hate. But i’m hating it. I dread going to it. Have i become addicted to freeloading? This job seems to have killed all my creativity, desires, hates. turned me into a dead-like thing. And this was just the third day of my very first job. Dafuq happened?? how did it happen??
This is not what i had expected. what the fuck man, i had so many plans!
I don’t think I can carry it out forever. The most, the most dreading thing is the inevitability of it all. i WILL HAVE to do a job for the rest of my life. it’s essential, it’s required. it can’t be done without. there is no way around. Now i’ve seen it, what a job feels like. oh man, what have i got into. Life was always a play for me, a jest. Now i’ve gotten into a REAL thing. the weight of my own life. it’s unbearable. this realness is unbearable. The raw life, naked, unforgiving. All that’s happening in it is REAL. oh boy.
Feeling a bit better after writing it out.
This site is my hope. I have shared here the most intimate thoughts of mine during my “dreaming days” or when i was in “mind world”. it seems to be my last connecting link with dream world. After i wrote all the above things in it I actually felt a new surge of life energy.. something that was completely, absolutely absent since last 3 days. idk what’s going to happen.
2 comments
Quaero… another ghost from the past. First Tristeza shows up today, now you. Family reunion 🙂
It’s good to hear you’re hanging in there, even though life sounds rather sucky at the moment. The office culture is like poison to a creative mind which is what you are. Even if it’s a good job, there’s something about the regularity that makes it absolutely toxic to people with passion. I think that’s the “dead-like thing” you’re talking about.
But what can ya do. For now, I guess you can keep coming here to indulge in those intimate thoughts that real-worlders would never understand. Maybe you’ll find time to pursue your creativity after hours, on weekends or even on coffee breaks. I know that sounds lame, but it’s better than smothering it altogether (if that were even possible). Anyway, nice to see you again 🙂
Hey Salt. Good to see a familiar name from old times. I never really left this place. I just wasn’t posting because I was working really hard to get a job. and now i am utterly, utterly disappointed. But like always this site is there for me as last resort when everything else is falling down. Yeah maybe i’ll be able to make balance between worldly life and personal life. Though i know where i’m headed, but i’ll keep trying until that.